Scratch that statement...... For the past week, I have been OTing for an average of 2 hrs FOC. My eyes hurt from the long hours... and my left wrist hurts... my kneecap is sore from walking up and down.... Man i wonder why am I staying on? Cos I like to stare at death in the eye.... shin dei masu (dying). Cos I have an Attitude, NOT attitude problem mind u. Cos I dun want to give up. No matter the price... A silly belief of mine, an idiotic way to lead my life... But this is WHO I am. I know i am used, i feel used, i dun like it. But it is still much better than at the other crap with that BITCH making my life miserable. This is already heaven, though work still sucks BIG TIME, not to mention pay.

Then again, I really pity the perms at old unit. Sick also dun go to doctor, until cannot take it, then go doctor. Even with mc also dun go home until finish some work. Really pitiful. I am really surprised that a handful of pple can handle the daily amt of work. Its a bit insane and uncomprehensible how they even manage to pull through... It really is VERY hard work. Today i print and edit until my temper flare up... u know, the feeling when u feel like u really had enough.... but i cant just throw the work down and walk off.... I only managed to walk to the toilet then come back for second round. Then lucky G*** helped me with a couple, otherwise I cannot make it out of the office in time for tuition. But the amt of work today is really insane. Like the highest no I did soooooo far. Unbelievable how, just when u thot that u had already experienced the WORST that can ever happen, another new level appears that helps REDEFINE what u formerly thot the WORST meant.

One more day... just one more to go... Why cant the bloody holiday not fall on a Sat? Pity this poor Internal Bleeding, whose blood lies splattered all over the floor.

For the past 4 days, including today, I have been leaving office around 8-8.20pm. My mountain of work is still the same. It seems no matter how hard I try to clear, the mountain still is as high as when I first left it (after conceding defeat and going home to recuperate) and until the end of the day, I counted the remainder and the height is still the same. Sign, so this tug-of-war repeated itself for 4 days already.... Feel quite xian and tired. I want a break again.

Nothing much happened to me except that during lunch, I decided to walk over to Esplanade there to enjoy the nice afternoon view of the City. I see my former work place and Krynnder's former cage too. Though its a bit sunny and warm, but after being in air-con all day, the breeze and sun felt good. It is rather refreshing and the sky was beautiful. I only wished I had a guitar and a coke on hand. And it feels rather surreal to be there at late lunchtime, while others are back in office or dining at aircon places. I wondered why it took me so long to realize that there are a few decent places to go after all at my work area. There are very few pple around also, so its a nice spot for those who wish to think or just to enjoy some peace.

I often ask myself this qn in view of my unrewarding work....

Doshite XXX o hatarakimasu ka? (why do u work at XXX?)
Bakana saru kara (Cos I am a stupid monkey)
Soshite naraimasu kara (Cos I want to learn)
Jikan to okane to jiyu ga arimasen (No time, money or freedom)
Bakana saru desu (Stupid monkey) :)

Today's lunch was interesting cos some collegues went to sign up for dance classes in a studio nestled inside Millenia. In fact u have to look really hard in the Harvey Norman store....then a path will light up and u will see an escalator that leads to the Third floor! (didnt know that Millenia had a 3rd floor) Well I got some of the flyers for some of the classes like Hip hop, salsa... A bit costly at $98 bucks for 8 lessons, each 1 hr. But I guess they cater to the working crowd, esp since class times are during lunch hr or after work hours. What the heck for moi, cos I am not exactly a 'high salary' worker. Will be very glad indeed if I can build up a reserve of peanuts... after this assignment. Its already bad enough that pay is rather low, free OT... then have to teach tuition to supplement income. Tries hard to save something, for the impending 'dry?' months ahead. Still got so many things that I want to or have to finance.... Eg an electric guitar, getting a driving licence, comics, games, retirement and very long into the future Japan trip. All these cost $$$. Its just that I am really left with peanuts, pay is peanuts. Really feel cash-strapped. The sense of futility hits when u see that u only manage to save such a small amount each month, and have to watch the dollars and pennies. Am I becoming scrooge mc duck? I dun really feel like splurging cos these peanuts are very (totemo) HARD-EARNED. Work my butt off for this sum, so somehow am not that inclined to bust my mths salary on something, unless its really impt or I am royally pissed.

I want to retire or bum... My bro is in Spore, my sisters finish exams and are enjoying themselves.... Me? I am still waiting
for my holidays to come...

"I tried so hard, and got so far... But in the end, it doesnt even matter...." Internal Bleeding (My favourite saying)

This Thurs and Friday were so hectic that I left office at 8pm... very tiring cos also working nonstop. But I shouldnt complain too much cos the perms leave around this time on a daily basis. (well I am not a perm nor am I paid enough nor am I getting used to it, so forget it) Just hope that things wont be so insanely busy. I do pity the perms cos they do it daily.... I really hope the project can help lighten their workload somehow and that they dun need to stay back all the time. *Wonders if that is wishful thinking on my part. BUT before that outcome can manifest itself in reality, yours truely have to 'settle' some very sticky issues, but I dun have much free time in office, so bring home as homework. Sometimes I wonder if I can make it a reality cos hey, I am only a grad, still considered a 'fresh?' albeit a tired one, with not much work experience under my belt, and with a tinge of analytical skills. So I am to come up with something, that will help separate certain functions cleanly. Sign.... If i am really this good, I can set up my own consultancy firm soon.

Well yesterday, Me, Kheldar and Quetzal landed up at Lido, for the lack of place to go in Orchard at 10.30pm... So we nuah there. Just then a smart (or is it bad idea) to buy a refillable soft drink and then add my Gin which Kheldar just returned to me. So Woah we had a huge cup of Gin Pepsi. Gin is really a nice drink with a mandarin orange aftertaste in the mouth. Not horribly bitter or funny turbentine tasting.... Opps poured too much in the second round, and drank too quickly on my way to catch the bus. The end result? I was super high? Drunk? I felt nice and warm, and sleepy. (a potent combination of Gin and fatique, I guess) Still made it back home (almost missed my bus stop), had a bath and concus on bed. I wonder how Kheldar fared last nite?

Just a bit longer.... Just hope to find enough energy to complete all that I have to do:

Tuition kid exams in 2.5 weeks
Current assignment ends in 7.5 weeks.
Finish my technical analysis book and revise Jap (?deadline?)
Kick myself to start learning HTML and Flash (?deadline?)
Find a PROPER JOB (? god knows when ?)

and finally

SPEND MUCH MORE TIME WITH MY COMICS, PSII GAMES AND BED.

Yesterday marked my 'migration' back to the original unit where I was attached to. It was a difficult day cos still had to juggle some work from the other side until 3-4pmand current work. Then again 2 files went missing and I am the scapegoat... have to search frantically to find them. Again, they are not misfiled as every single file is looked through, but missing. So I dun know how they resolve, but definitely my fault. So what the heck. Waste my time. Really needed a Gin Coke last nite.... but as my Gin is currently in a friend's place (Yo Kheldar, return with some left will ya?) So I had to settle for a healthier alternative, Exercise. Pump myself for half an hr.

In the meantime, starting to pick up the other routine tasks of current unit, will be doing it full-scale soon... Am already familar as I did them in my first 2 mths, but got some changes etc. So learning, doing and asking. The pple here dun say things sternly and loudly in your face... like that B*tch. In the meanwhile, exams are round the corner for my tuition kid, so have to go down extra lessons, like 1-1.5hr type cos of my work timing. Hopefully this will divert my attention from my countdown, and before I know it, its already the end. Me already itching for a long rest... Just another 40 days.

Today is also hard work cos I was like working non-stop but as the pple are okay so it is more bearable. Also while I was at the other section, I was also working non-stop, so what the heck. Then KR called me around 3.30pm and asked if my office had black out? I was surprised and said no, he said his and the entire Suntec was. So all things grind to a halt for them. Well no luck here. Then heard news of nicoll highway collapse... and many wanted to go home on time to avoid the crowd of homegoers who are diverted from using nicoll highway. But the mrt was just the usual crowded on my way home. Work is tiring so far but bearable, and I am still as quiet as ever and dun smile but frown unconsciously... Some things dun change. Maybe for the greater good of my career, I should go for Botox injections to my eyebrows to avoid frowning... or get a job where frowning gets me ahead...

My typical Week-end?

Well I realize I have been saying alot abt how I spend my weekdays. Yep after work, there is only time enough for 1 activity, so sometimes I go online, play PS II, stone, read or just sleep. So the days really fly, after work hrs while I reach home around 8-8.30pm. Its like u wake up to work, then after, u go blogging and the next time u glance at the time, it's already 12.30+++am... Argh have to sleep.... then u wake up to the same crap... and u do something else, only to be compelled to sleep when the few short hrs fly past...

My weekends are better. On Sat, I can hibernate at home until 4pm. Before, I would catch the whole series of cartoons on Kids Central and maybe switch to Channel I. So if I see pokem*n, too kiddy, switch to Channel I.... But nowadays I tend to sleep through until 12pm. So at most I catch the last few cartoons of the day... But my current weekly highlight is 'Fruit Basket' at 1.30pm. Its a sweet and nice, humourous anime. I really love Sats! Then around 4pm I leave for Jap lessons, where my friends and I would ask Sensei for extra vocabs for interesting words that applies to us in our current lifes. Hehe, dinner follows, then some nuahing and chatting to catch up, predictably the day ends with drinking coffee or tea halia at S11, and a ride home on the last bus around 11.45pm. Depends on whether I felt up to it, maybe I'll exercise or read... and sleep follows.

Sunday is not my favourite day cos I begin the morning going down to tuition. Have to get up by 9.45am. Not that difficult but if I did some whole-niter thingy on Sat, then this is a Chore indeed. After tuition, previously I would rush to Quetzal's home for lessons. But as I couldnt handle the fatigue nowadays, I've decided to stop for a while. So nowadays, I would reach home around 2+pm. Then watch a bit of TV, sleep and its already time for dinner. Go online, do other stuff and before u know it, its already pretty late. Have to sleep again.... Sign. Another long work week ahead.... If only the weekends are longer or pass slower. A friend told me that no matter how long the weekend, its never enough.... True

Hamtaro, Happy Meals and Poor ME

At least for the next 2 weeks, I will be eating Macs at least for a few times. Cos I promise my tuition kid to get her the Hamtaro toys. SO today, I immediately went to the nearest Macs at Jurong and found that there are like 7-8 sets. But I was aiming at least 3 sets. So only got the 'slide' set.... the guy told me the merry go round just ended.... Sign. Well then on my way home, hop into another Mac in Clementi, this time got the 'ferris wheel' set... Went to another on my way to a comic shop and nope, all sold out. My Meal counts at 2 Happy Meals hits after 3 outlets. Impressive? Somehow I dun really like the food in Macs, except milkshake which they dropped from the menu. Esp ever since I queued for almost the entire set of Hello Kitty back in 2000. Woe to me, to be chomping 2 Happy Meals in one day. Maybe tom I go to Marina or Suntec one... for lunch? But I must admit the toy is really value for money cos the toys quite big, esp the 4 sets of 'merry go round, ferris wheel, slide and swing', the rest are like the same toy but different Ham Ham characters. So the materialistic slogan: 'Gotta c*llect them all?"

Today is Friday and officially 4 bloody LONG mths as Internal Bleeding! When I realize that 4 mths r up, I dun know whether to be proud that I have lasted so extremely long (Survivor wannabe) or to feel sad when I know I have remaining 2 mths to outlast... Sign.

The most irritating thing abt being a temp or intern is the lack of leave. Without this, one risk being burnt out pretty fast, as one works almost on all weekdays throughout the year, surviving on that bit of public holidays.... this is really not enough. So for those job seekers, at least look for contract jobs with benefits esp leave! I really feel burnt. I can feel it, the feeling is so like my temping days. The 3rd and 4th mths barrier are really testing times and milestones if one can last through.

Well So in another 42 working days, I'll be free.

This week's events

MC

Got gastric flu n went to doctor and got mc. Finally a day of rest. Used some time to read and sleep. But again, when I went back to work, the episode repeated- have to finish the prior day's work. Collegues from my initial unit asked if i felt better or what happened. The current ones just ignored me. I dun care for them anyway. So just did my work, but unfortunately asked to do alot of physical work, which involves carrying heavy stuff. I really count myself lucky that I have more strength than a normal gal otherwise surely die. But I did 'shirk' a bit as I still recovering.

DEBT COMES N GOES

My tuition grant debt came riding upon an innocent envelope, at a sum of $18k, I almost had a heart-attack when I saw that. Then discussed with my dad, he would let me waiver the amount from CPF. Before that, I was still trying to work out a feasible and realistic repayment amt... No high pay nor perm job, so I really had a headache. Well the next day, called CPF and asked if waiver is possible, and it is. Hence as quickly as the Debt came riding into my life, it rode off again, to come another day. Talk about complicating one's life. Grateful to Dad and hope to pay him back soon, when I get a REAL job.

FREEDOM OR OUT OF THE FRYING PAN INTO THE FIRE THEN HELL?

My Sup came and told me briefly the plans for me for the next 2 weeks. Will be out of current hellhole after this Friday. Freedom!!!!! or is it? Looking back at my earlier entries when i was working there? Is it really Freedom? Or just out of the frying pan (previous) into the fire (current) and then to Hell (going back there) Sign... The funny thing is that even the temp knows of this plan for me, AND the subsequent arrangement for me? Huh? U see the whole dept knows of what will happen to me except ME-the person who will be affected by this arrangement? How do I know? Well though I dun talk much in office, I listen alot. Since I cant ask qns to learn, I learn by observation n listening. And when they refer to me, they dun use name and suddenly lower the voice or just point.... So rude right? But I listen, know and notice... just bo chap these types of pple. U r not interested to know me personally, the feeling is mutual.... I just dun want to be thrown back again..... Just glad to be out. The initial unit pple r very reasonable pple... they expect u to work, but they care to explain the process for the task that u r doing, and they would remind and point out the mistakes, unlike this Bitch who scolds, reprimand using a damn irritatingly sharp and condescending tone... Just keep putting me down for every mistake. That is why my life was really hell. Nothing can please. Always why not fast enough, why make this mistake, why do this instead, go do this, go do that. I was really treated as a dog or so... Even Kelvin felt that I was being bullied when I told him some of the stuff I had to do... Well I am just counting down, sending out resumes and working at other areas that will aid me in the future.... For now I will just keep on my toes when I go back on Mon.

Back from M'sia after an infutile attempt to make my smart-card tech IC. First off, Friday, we had a massive jam on the 2nd link for 2.5hrs.... the same amt of time that would have seen my family already back home in muar.... Duh... Then when we reached the immigration office and queued for 30 mins plus, then when its our turn, the lady said no more forms or numbers. DUH! Again bureacracy at its work, daily quto system, an ancient artifiect of the 'Lost World' still in place in M'sia. Okay fine, the next morn, Sat, we arrived before the opening hrs of 0800hrs, and behold the super long queue that reminded me of when I queued for the Kitty Without Mouth Toys back in 2000. Again, with only half-day and quoto system, it is no wonder that we had naught to show for our efforts.... So alas for this heroine, she will have to return to M'sia again on another day to try her luck at her ic. Only bought a few T-shirts, no vcd, anime, gum or whatever that is supposed to be illegal.... Sign

Tom marks the start of another week of tedious and menial work. Yep I agree with my other intern friend, that we have to screw the Company. Lets burn it down.... heheheh strap on some bombs or stink bombs and let them rip in office... *Evil laughter. After this Fri, I can officially declared that I have screwed myself for 4 mths as Internal Bleeding. Dun expect conversion at this pt, just want to finish n go, or even yet get something else then go...My bro suggested getting a written adknowlegement for my aid in the project, yep will definitely ask for that and letter of notice.. Maybe I should buying toto or 4D, never know if I might struck it rich and leave this rat-race forever *Dreams....

I look forward to the next weekend already.... I am already missing this weekend....

Well thanks Krynnder for having dinner with me twice already after Jap classes... Nice company and good and cheap food at her area. Great place to start a food tour. Hehehe, I got a few more jap words related to jobs. Will tell Tab next jap class. Sensei was wondering if I had a japanese boss, that I wanted to learn jap terms like 'quit' etc. *grins*

My back is much better now after I plaster alot of medicated plasters... so i realize truely that I am DestineD for medicated plasters.... my best friend.

Well I am glad for a long weekend, though I will only come back on Sun... I hope to 'ship' some stuff like anime, movies or comincs etc out, see if I succeed.... A bit disappointed to miss the jamming cum drinking session, I was practicing 2-3 songs... one is 'Superman's not easy' by Five for fighting. It is my theme song when I become Internal Bleeding. Nvm, next time lemme sing this song for u all. (so leave this song for me okay)

Yep I hope I sound happier? Cos my life pretty much very messy am feeling lost... my own personal hrs r very short... the rest filled with crap. So I very much appreciate when good friends jio me out for lunch or dinner. Like giving me support when I am hurt by some remarks or tired. Thanks a lot. I appreciate it. I think thats all for now. Happy holidays!

Scolded, Lectured, Reprimanded or just saying things loudly in-your-face....

This is what i got this morning after making a few mistakes for Tues work..... Unknown to the whole office, I sprained my back on Monday. On tuesday, the pain was so bad that it was affecting my concentration. So make some mistakes. U can say that these mistakes are 'stupid' mistakes that I should not make.... But...sign....what can i say but apologise... Then that B$%$ replied that no use apologizing... So I should jump off the bldg right? Duh.... this is not the first time I got this type of lecturing.... but I can never get used to it. Just try not to bash myself too hard for my mistakes.... So this is why I am saying conversion is not a forth-coming future. Cos I really got a number of such mistakes and lecturing sessions.... dun think they want me nor do I want to do such menial tasks longer than what is necessary. Look I am not job-desperate, esp for such menial n low-paying job. Technically I only need to work at that section until the lady on maternity returns after next week, so that makes it another 6 more working days...... I rather not have a fixed seat, have to wander around and do variety of tasks than dataentry alone. Cos then I have no chance of making anymore mistakes.

Well for now just pasting a lot of medicated plaster, then go to see sensieh on Friday.... My long weekend.... so sad cannot rest... I wanted to nuah and recover my lost Health points and Sanity points. Like this other intern friend of mine, who is sadly working on another floor, told me that things can be fine.... Let it be a win-win situation even if no conversion. For hers is the experience and learning vs what they took from her. For me, its an electric guitar, some time off my bond, a nice line on my work experience esp if the project works..... and REST and my lost ego, sanity and sense of humor vs what they took from me.... For now I feel quite hollow inside, cos I dun feel like laughing or joking when at work. I seem to lock these up whenever I step into office? Hope to retrieve my keys soon. Another 48 working days = 9.5 weeks.

Taihendesune

Hmm too bad I cant join u all this Sat for jamming session, got to go back to M'sia to make bloody IC, smart card technology type....duh the only difference is that the photo is scanned in instead of pasted. Hmm reminds me of my matric card... also scanned in digitally right... So U guys go out and chill

Well after today, officially I have 50 working days left until my freedom... totemo warui desu! Dunno why am I not resigning straigtht... Gradually it has reached a stage where I am not enjoying any aspect of the work execept lunch hour where I can find a spot to 'nuah' and listen to music in discman. Or study Japanese... yoi desu.

I am trying to send out resumes though not much cos I am more careful of what I apply for after 'this', where reality and promise dun live up... I guess empathy has caught up with me.... esp when I am in office.... Mentally bored while staring at the comp screen doing data entry, print and stapler or filing... I dun look forward to any 'surprises' in my work already.... Frankly I dun expect any.... it is sad that something that could and might be challenging turns into such menial work. I am putting more effort into my own self-study of Jap, interest like guitar... instead so that at least I feel I have achieved something, esp when work is so non-forthcoming with the sense of satisfaction or achievement. I guess this episode illustrates to myself that I am not office-type. I prefer to do project style work, not routine and mundane ones that requires very little skill. My only consolation thus far is that I serve a bit more of my bond and earn a measley sum of money, at least I am not stealing or doing anything immoral to earn a living but selling my time super cheaply...They should outlaw such exploitation.

Hey see u all for Jap classes this Thurs.