Stressed n tired

Since the start of the second term, I was left mentally exhausted daily that I skipped KM, concuss many times. Many times with a mixed drink to shut off the overtly many thoughts. Think too much is one very obvious flaw of mine. So the alcohol shuts down the mental thoughts and I could sleep. I guess just too many things on my plate at work. Just glad no family troubles to add to that.

By far, this week was the worst. I did restart KM, going for a double session which turned out pretty good. I felt better and even normal on Tue morning, only to be thoroughly drained after the heavy day. 

Due to privacy hence the lack pf details. i was running around on Thur, heavy day, plus event running around plus having to go check out the venue for the after-party, and the whole waiting around wasted time drained me further. 

By Fri, I was just hoping to get through by but had to flare up once in the four consecutive lessons that I had to endure. Even had to give up going out to buy lunch and even my plans to eat out cos a student asked for help to practice. Then an extra period I gotta be present for the another level event. Plus I was checking diaries and also cleaned up my room by sweeping, dusting etc. Talk about hectic.

Then the welcome party that evening... I would turn even more anti-social cos I was again the only one to turn up there, had to travel down via mrt with rush hour crowd to the red-light district for a meal. Due to long years of not eating spicy stuff, the food gave me diarrhea and stomach pains and pangs that lasted the whole day on Sat. Then the whole drunk female colleague whom luckily for her, not so for me, shared cab. Dropped her off safely. I must avoid more of such functions in future. Not enjoyable, very queer at times, really cultural differences are glaringly obvious.

I just don't want this weekend to end so soon. I need more time to recover. Stomach still diarrhea, body is tired especially the mind. But Sat is over and Sun is here. Just last longer and wake me up after Sept ends.

Turning to the bottle, recipes but improving

Basically in the first week of work, I had trouble sleeping, brain alert and had to wake up early. So in desperation, I grabbed a bottle n poured some into my cup, thinking it was the Honey Bourbon only to realize it was the Chivas. Hence I stuck to that and used whatever mixers I had in stock in my room. So there were some hits and misses. Got a bunch more to try out with time.

Chivas + Bitter Lemons => Yum

Chivas + Dry Ginger Ale => Yum

Chivas + Bundung => Interesting but less  Chivas might be better

Chivas + Tonic water => clash

Chivas + Pineapple juice => clash

Usually it helps me sleep though I wake up earlier than my alarm clock cos either I needed to pee or I was thirsty. Surprisingly irritating that while others drink and slept peacefully late, I end up waking earlier.

Last week alone, I drank 5 out of 7 days. That's an indication of the amount of help I need to fall asleep. Also to shut off the overtly active mind at times. With the alcohol in the system, the numerous thoughts come to a stand-still and it's pleasant muted silence except for very simple thoughts. Then Zzzzz...

This week, thus far, I drank once on Wed, so that's a significant improvement, Found part of my stamina and could get thru some parts with less fatigue but still tired overall. Will resume KM next week instead. I wanna rest up and sleep and so on. Next week I'll go for a double on just one day. Rest up and try to relax before then. 

Today is my somewhat more manageable day, a breather in the entire hectic week, so I used one free period to go practice my drums, it was a good stress-reliever. Felt good but tired. Still don't have to stamina n focus to do an entire song, will lose the rhythm somehow and right leg is tired from all the bass drumming. Think it'll take some time to build that up. It's a good practice. 

Feeling pretty tired these days but noticed I wasn't the only one. Okay, I'm human.

Very Bad Work Blues - just in the 1st week!??

It's very alarming when after work started just this week, by end of Tuesday, I was feeling mentally-drained. 

Partly cos I was actually cleaning up my room, wiping the tables and chairs with soap water, re-arranging the messed-up room cos all the tables and chairs were moved out of the room for floor waxing during the hols hence my things got messed up, tables & chairs got a layer of dust over them. Worst still dunno who went to un-set up the screen and visualizer so I got to plug and set up the wiring and also on my own time, (on Thur) I carried up a ladder to tie up the screen. Grr... Little wonders about the fatigue. Stupid right?

Then cos first day is so mind-numbing from the ceremony and damn long but boring hour long speech by a guest speaker, felt mentally tired. Then the second day, everything starts, including cca. After five lessons, I was seeing stars. 

Finding it hard to be inspiring or excited about the boring context. A slew of bored and tired faces look back at me. Nothing inspirational or original ideas struck me to make it more interesting. Sat thru a long meeting, looking thru those events, roll my eyes at a couple of it. Finally found some time within the week to check through the  holiday homework and for 2days, I didn't even have the chance to go out n but lunch. 

I reached home really mentally-zombified, and fell asleep before or after dinner, only to wake up later around 10pm and couldn't sleep after. Had to make myself a cocktail, down it in a gulp and then knock-out. Nope, didn't overslept. In fact I even woke before the alarm cos the alcohol makes me either thirsty or need to pee. Those woke me up. In this week alone, I drank on 4 weekdays. That's a sign of something... A good outcome is I am mixing different mixers with the Chivas to finish it off. So far, I've found with either Bitter Lemon or Dry Ginger Ale is good. Got more to go.

I checked with a couple of female colleagues and they remarked that they felt really tired, though its just the first week. One shared that she is not particularly motivated, from a myriad of reasons and contributing factors. I asked myself if it is a sign that my time is ending. I did ask myself how long more of it could I endure? Work is getting kinda painful. But I was reminded of how childish I was being by my sister, who said "How many of us really like to work?" I reminded myself of those who had to work much longer hours and harder for a much lower pay, just to bring the bread home. So just gonna suck it in and give it a try again. Take it one day at a time, one week at a time. Dun think so childishly.

Today my mom did a prayer session at home, my usual prayer when I hold the joss sticks, bless my parents n siblings n me with good health n peace of mind. Me I asked for blessings in wealth, esp with the demotivated self n investment loss. Dun mind any $$$ that can fall my way, without having to do a sideline.

On the other hand, in a sort of way, I was kinda happy to skip KM cos of a slightly sore right elbow. Decided to play it safe and let it rest. In the meantime, I put on plasters, muscle cream. It's not severe enough to go to the doctors that type. It felt strained do since I didn't want it to become a permanent injury, I rested and kept and eye on it. It's much better. I am now thinking about how to work KM into my work schedule. Maybe next week, Thur, I'll go for a double, that's all. I can't imagine doing twice or thrice in my current state of mental fatigue n unmotivated self. Maybe go in for a double this Thursday.

A nice finish to the hols, missing it already

Not sleepy yet but work is resuming tom... Will so totally regret this in the morning tomorrow.

This summer holiday is more memorable and feels so much longer. I feel the main reason is cos I am doing stuff, courses, with friends, some unusual and out-of-the-blue, so it's refreshing. Totally forget about working at all, until tomorrow.

Comic-Con:

This is not my first comic con, been to a few already but this is the first where I went for 2 days cos of the ticketing price $19 for single and $25 for 2-days. Not just that but cos of plans to 'help eat a free breakfast', so I'll be in the area, might as well.

The offering this year is much better than previously hence didn't mind going down. Initially I wasn't sure until I looked through the website. Sat, headed there with Tab n DF. Very crowded. Sun, I headed there with Tab after the free breakfast on my part (Plates of savory food; Intercontinental breakfast, watermelon juice and mango-banana smoothie) Ate until so full, I didn't eat anything else until dinner time. Given we ate until 10am.

Totally regretted sleeping at 5am last night n having to wake up at 7.45am to get out of the house to meet to eat the breakfast at the hotel. After the pot of coffee, think I was hyper, then crashed a bit during my drum lesson later on in the afternoon. That's why the second time, in Comic-con, just spent about 40mins inside. Even without drum lessons, I wouldn't be staying there until 5.30pm where the cosplay comes on... Think other countries are so much higher standard n more into character than what I saw just walking around. Not that there aren't good ones, but as one ages, it seems more for the youths. 

Decided on a whim to ask Tab to help me take a few funny poses pics with the life-sized IronMan figures. Wanted to do a being-blasted away shot but with so many people and just my I-phone, it was ok but not as amusing. An idea hot me last night to do a Janken match pic. Cos I didn't have a chance to ask my drum instructors to help me take a drum pic, n I might have to write about my hols, as part of my example to students, decided to get at least one 'interesting' pic to use. Tab asked to use for a photo competition. See how that goes but not used to pic being seen by outside pple. Dunno if even can win, and if get a poster instead, so cheapskate prize too. Think all these stupid post photos are an unconscious influence by colleagues.

In the Comic-con, I didn't spend much, just 3 key-chains and a Tokidoki PVC bag (nicer than the usual supermarket type) Minion figurine toys were tempting but very pricey for $50 n $100 each... Not sure if I liked them enough to want to pay so much. Love my Maplestory snail keychain, too bad they sold-out/couldn't find their Minion ones. I'll KIV next time I see this stall.

Drums:

Improving, not too bad except my tempo is not constant, sometimes too fast or slow. Have to do more metronome training. Moving into once a week lesson on Sundays. Today also moving on to basic drum patterns, much like guitar strumming patterns. 

Work *groanz*

Work is restating tomorrow. I would have some trouble waking up. Haven't ironed anything yet. All wait until tomorrow morning. 

Not going for KM yet cos my right elbow is a bit sore. Think is the over-extension from all the punching. Need to let it rest up. So this week, either I go twice or just once but a double lesson later in in the week so that first week back to work is not so taxing. Take it easy in the initial restarting part.

Cca is restarting, got to bring guitar to workplace. But its tuned one-step down... still got my j-rock song to learn. see how, maybe bring next week so not so much stuff to lug on the first day. Hope to ask colleague to teach me how to change the strings of the electric guitar. Need to get the replacement strings first. One thing I realized is that electric guitars are so much heavier than acoustic cos one is solid, the other is hollow. Wait a bit before bringing either to the workplace. Sometimes too busy teaching during cca to even take out my own to practice. Rather do it at home only to realize I left the acoustic guitar at workplace... 

Man, I miss the hols already. The freedom to sleep and wake at anytime, do stuff leisurely and in no hurry are sorely missed. It'll be a long, long while before I can do something like this. 

Final week - volunteer. drums. shopping n final plans

Volunteer, Sat;

On Sat, I went to the workplace first to meet up with FW, then took a cab with 2 big luggage trolleys to the venue. Man, it was hot there, despite being in the shade. 4 students came to help out. So after setting up everything, we were told off not to start until 5pm, when some pple came over and started 'donating' before then. So spent more than an hour just waiting... What a waste of time.

When I got a break, I took a quick walk-about to look at the stalls. There were 4 wings full of stalls. I went to the ice-cream stall and bought some ice-cream for the students and FW, none for myself cos of my cough. Students help out FOC, so small treat for them. Went back to the stall and stood around. Then as 5pm drew close, the crowds swelled. I helped to answer enquiries by locals about how much the items cost, what's the charity about etc. They couldn't see the Eng displays which were pasted at the tables cos when people crowd around, not able to read. Also the Jap versions were pasted on the hanging string, so only Jap explanation us visible... Nvm. Many donated $2, quite a few $5, $10 especially when you tell them to donate generously for charity.

Later after many hours behind the booth, I went and stood outside the stall, holding up the signs and calling out for people to come to take a look cos it's for charity, hand-made products made by our students for charity. Dunno how long, until the students were let off around 8pm and the crowds started dwindling. Both of us continued to stay until about 10pm. Then packed up the remaining items and shared a cab back to drop off the luggage at workplace, then drop is home. Bleah... It's meaningful for charity but if it becomes adopted as part of the program and yet I am the one 'volunteering' year-by-year, it's not kinda fair to me. Cos even during the preparation lessons, had to put in extra time to clean up after students etc. Dunno how it'll be like next year. For now, I'm glad it's over.

Drums, Sun;

Apparently my right leg and right hand are not time-coordinated, meaning if my right leg kicks the bass drum and my right hand hits the snare, it doesn't sound like a clean one sound, but is disjointed. Surprisingly my left hand is coordinated to my right leg, little or no effort can creat that sound... So I tried to do the tapping exercise in my own time. I went for class and still salah, but I asked the instructor about certain postures, positioning and he answered me, which I really liked. Learnt more through questioning and answering, drummer's wrist warm-up, where to position the sticks, a full-downstroke and a downstroke.  About half-way, after drumming around, getting better at the R-hand, R-leg thingy. Sometimes still off but better than last week. So more tapping exercise. It's not easy but doable. As long as I am progressing, it's good.

Massive Shopping, Mon;

Didn't go for KM cos mom asked if I was free. So she wanted to go and meet Geoky for lunch after her work event. Asked me along on Sunday evening so I didn't msg for class. We met at Illuma for lunch. My treat at Poulet, then we walked around. I ended up buying a lot of stuff at OG, despite me earlier snubbing it as a boring place... So now I know, I am at the "aunty-stage"... Cos BHG was under massive renovation, nothing much there. Ended up with new undergarments that cost me $135. Cos really needed but just kept forgetting and putting off. So one time restock everything. So that's a year's worth. Also bought a 2-liter tea flask with a diffuser inside that cost only $16.90. From the way I drink liquids, this is very suitable. I was looking for such tea flasks with diffusers but they were often too small, just a cup or a small jug. That's not enough. Also bought 2 shorter-styled 3/4 (abv knee caps) that were much more affordable $30 each so that I can have a choice not to wear jeans always cos no bottom. Work khakis require ironing. Then my sporty berms makes me look sloppy n don't match. Often end up with my grey 3/4 or the brown shorts. Not enough choice. Now should be better though both are darker brown. No size or colors. Nvm. I have lots of brown n earthly colors.

Other plans

Tomorrow I am attending my first double KM since the shift and the changes. Just to use my last bit of free time to find out if it would be difficult or taxing. Cos going thrice is challenging, so go twice but once is a double lesson, to make up for 3 sessions a week. See how it goes, if its ma manageable.

My final extra drum lesson is this week, last time to use an electric drum which is really cool, at least u can control the volume unlike a conventional one. But it's like comparing between acoustic and electric guitars, both have their good n bad. I like them both, though more towards acoustic but I listen to more songs with electric guitars. Will take a photo.

2/3rd mark

Fixing the sleeping time:

Now I am trying to readjust my sleeping time cos really sleep at 3am and wake about 10-11am. Might end up like zombie if I don't rectify now. With another 10 days to go, better start now. Moving sleeping time forward to midnight and setting morning alarm clock.

'Volunteer'

This year, I didn't misread the circular and mistakenly sign up as a volunteer for this summer event. But because for my dept, a couple left, some are already involved in the other duties for that event, so left FW herself with the whole cohort's hand-made products, so I asked her of she needed help, and thus ended up being down for that charity booth duty.

I went down today, to help make some information printout displays, and pack the stuff. Offered my luggage bag to use to pack the stuff. The rest she said she'll handle tomorrow, so I don't have to go in again until Sat. We agreed on a time to meet at the workplace and go down together. Hope it can get good proceeds for charity.

Music

It's interesting to have 2 different drum instructors. My fixed one emphasize the basics, which is good cos it drills the important blocks. Still at snare and bass drum. The other goes for coordinating and sight-reading to play the parts of the drum kit and also playing with songs. So it's a good balance and makes it fun. I would miss the variety cos next week is the last week of the hols, so once work starts, it's back to once a week, under my fixed instructor. But I'll try the second instructor's way if I get tired of doing basics.

For guitar, working on one of the j-rock song on the acoustic guitar, managing the introd and into the verse 1. Still have many parts to work on, but it is a bit smoother. The other j-rock song, I'll keep until I've finished this one. The j-pop song, I'm still working on cos that's on electric guitar and need to get used to moving along the neck quickly for power chords, will it's a much easier song compared to the j-rock ones. So happily practicing and forgetting all about work.

Exercise & Diet:

Into the 2nd week of diet, so far controlling and fewer lapses. Without weighing, I could see my tummy a bit flatter (still got tummy) so I can see the progress. Still not down to lowest, need more time but lost 1kg I think. 

Exercise is into the 3rd week, I am going for my 3rd KM within this week. Still got that uneven numbers but try not to let it affect me mentally. Just thicken my skin and do it. We are doing more combative; aka how to do a combination of strikes from front, side and rear. It's good cos it helps to put atks into a doable combination instead of trying to come up with some ko-ya ones cos lack of combat experience. I must say, it's very good aerobics workout. A bit of sore knee and shoulders but doable. See if I can aim for thrice next week, still a challenge to move from twice to thrice.

In-doors

I find I haven't gone into town for a while, maybe 1.5weeks? Cos all the courses and stuff kept me going to-and-fro East-West, haven't gone to town. Did go to Msia twice with patents, once CitySquare and once Perlangi, banking stuff n spend some RM. Not much to do besides eat and buy discs. 

Tomorrow I plan to go out roaming, guess in-town, so can kill two birds with one stone. Think at least from after lunch so don't anyhow munch rubbish. 

This holiday seems to pass much slower cos of the courses, dinners and events. It does slow time down and makes this time more memorable than other summer vacation. Think this is the direction I wanna aim for, at least to make adulthood more memorable. Doing something out of the usual is important especially if everything seems routined, even things like dinner outings, courses. 

Wanna enjoy this last spurt of free time, next term is a killer and it goes on-and-on plus I remembered the increased classes so it's doubly tiring. It'll be a long time before I can take another break like this.

15th days, halfway mark

Drums:

The extra drum lesson I added, under a different instructor was fun. First time playing electric drums. The instructor is good, more structured than the other. Introduced to the other drums beside the snare. Toms, high hat, bass drum and even the crashes. Got to play along that pattern to Simple Plan song, nice, though its not exactly how it sounds but its a way to practice drumming with a song. Interesting and by the end of the lesson, I could do the basic drum pattern that involves the bass drum. A matter of co-ordination. It was fun figuring out, like your brain says one thing but your limbs went another way. After class I walked to a couple more restaurants to enquire about corporate dinner. Went home quite contented. Hope to keep this up. 

Audio-books:

Borrowed the Fellowship of the Ring, 16 discs and almost finished with it. Also have Harry Potter, final book. Nice to listen to narration. Except I can't read while listening. But if I'm just stoning, can just listen and focus on the story. Hope to finish them and go to Book 2 & 3 of the LOTR. 

Others:

Slowly moving into the second week of exercise routine and first week of controlling my food intake. It's not easy. I feel at times conflicting thoughts, much like a devil and an angel on my shoulders; one is saying "Nvm, can take it easy lah. Enjoy your holiday. One more nvm" and the other is "Health matters, must have some discipline. Just do it. Hang in there." An internal struggle and I have to get through 21 days of this. Almost mid-way there. Just cheer myself on and keep reminding myself of the commitment and celebrating every little step. I realized that's why I blog about it often.

Investment:

Going to make my second loss and its a large loss $11k cos I got a number of shares at a higher cost than the price they offered to delist at. It's my Dad's counter, I regretted listening to him and learnt a painful lesson to never touch his counters at all ever. Luckily I didn't lose my overall capital but it eroded a chunk of my total profits over these 5-6 years. That's irritating and sian cos this year I hardly made any gains from the stagnant market, just $1k, then I am still $9k more to my annual target then this huge ass negative came in, making it like a $20k target which is really hard. Never mind, I can't undo it, it's a done-deal. So I just got to learn, be careful and try to make back this 'loss' gradually. Just irritated. Bo bian...

KM:

The Adv class has more stuff to learn though there is a refocus on the basics but they combine more things together than the singular stuff at the Beginner class. But the 'unfriendliness' of it at times makes me feel reluctant to go for it. Yar I still trudge ahead, reminding myself of the deeper reasons I have, but at times it's a pain to go for. The longer traveling, have to eat dinner early before or later at night after class, is not helping. Luckily I figured out a nicer timing to leave home when the buses and trains are slightly less crowded but still very much standing the entire journey. At times I feel like reducing to just twice a week until I feel the 'interest' to increase to thrice a week. Hope as I get used to things and the awkwardness reduces, my resolve can get me through this distractions and keep me from quitting easily. Keep reminding myself to keep positive, brush aside the negative.

Mental resilience:

I realized I am getting stronger mentally. If it was my younger self, looking back, I find I don't give up as easily as before. This is a cumulation of past experiences,  age & maturity. I am still not as strong emotionally, but I feel more so than before. How does one gain mental strength? 

It's really not taught through books but through doing stuff; learning your own inadequacies & fears and forgiving yourself for being less than perfect because no one is. That, making mistakes is normal, everyone does. That, you have your own pace and despite others seemingly progressing faster at times, ya don't have to compare but just continue working on yourself. You might be surprised at the pace of your own progress with time. Need to overcome the sense of anxiety, sense of failure, fears, insecurities and doubts and just keep going forth. That's what I remind myself again after another KM class. Not just for the courses I'm going to, some things I am pursuing but I try to apply that to work, which is another area fraught with doubts, insecurities and worries. Keep an open mind.