Nowadays, actually ever since the prospect of having to step into the job market, I have felt very restrained. It feels like a chore, where regardless of whether I liked it or not, I WILL still have to do it. There are so many issues weighing me down, tuition bond is one that weighs very heavily on my mind. Then what I want in life. Now that I am working, my own hrs are very short indeed. N no energy to do more of my favourite things or the lack of time or money. Then there is the issue of Money, $$ is definitely an issue cos I want to earn enough to give my parents, and myself, and pay back the CPF tuition fees.... All these stay very close whenever I go to work, or try to justify or convince myself, ' why was I working so hard? For so little?' The funny thing is when u keep telling yourself, that these are the reasons, they dun sound realistic nor convincing anymore.

But I do feel very Caged and Restraint. My dissatisfaction and frustrations stemming from work and its crap have no outlet. There are no immediate solutions in sight... My freedom lies in the distant future 108 working days and counting... but I live in the Present, not the future! Days must still be lived, work must still be done, Unhappiness will still arise. But somehow I wonder, am I the only one who feels so negative? The only one who is frustrated the the point of anger and despair? Sign. Tai hen desu ne! All these strong negative emotions and stress, if not managed well, could harm a person's health and mentality.... Dun worry, I will try to manage the stress. But is it me or are other jobs not as taxing nor as stressful as what I face? Then I really work very hard, though no one appreciate, and feel 'exploited', pile more work on me. Nowadays, I leave office around 7.15pm. Not one cent extra! Yet lesser personal time for me! Do I need to even go into the exhaustion from doing work continuously? Got to supplement income by tuition, which is enjoyable but still tiring. Then I try very hard, to pursue some activities during weekends, and they are taxing also.. Sometime I feel so exhausted... that I just wanna sleep and not wake up to this life full of crap (not sucidal) but more of sleeping without a care in the world. That is simple wish of mine. Some time out for this person who is almost out of battery. Sometimes I question myself if I should have worked this hard, is it worth the pain and unhappiness and lack of satisfaction? Why try so hard? Why tie yourself into a knot? Why not relax and not fight anymore, just go with the flow. Let things happen naturally. Things might have turned out better? Sign. Frankly I dunno why I fight so hard, work so hard. I guess, I want some element of control in my life, some things that I can control. I guess I dun believe in fate, I want to control my own fate. I guess I cant stand routineness, but needs some challenge and satisfaction. I dun want to give in without a fight, if u want to take me down, U can break me, but I will still fight on until I collapse unconscious. Too exagerated but this is what I feel. Life so far, has been one of responsiblities to fulfil and daily battles that are exhausting to overcome. So for those, who read my palm and think that I have an easy life, I beg to differ! If life should end, I do not wish to have another. Just let death be an eternal slumber, so that finally I can give up fighting and rest easy forever.