A Boulevard of Broken Dreams...

"I walked an empty road on a boulevard of broken dreams... dont know where it goes but to me its home, I walk alone...."

Frankly speaking, I knew nuts about any Singapore Dream or Plan at all. All that I knew is my father's constant nagging to get good grades BECOS they have an impact on your job next time and your pay too. Fair enough when u are in civil, the grades matter cos an honours meant 2 increment more. For those grades, I tried to excel but in the end when I got a merit, my dad wasnt so pleased. He much prefered an honours. For those grades, I gave up alot of other things, certain passion like badminton as a cca, given up for streaming exams and hence closed the doors at competitive badminton playing in secondary and jc. And so much more... Study was to be the only focus. Sign. Where did my grades left me?

After graduation, the job search was just as tough, the jobs experience just as menial. Then holding onto 2 jobs, a intern or temp and nite tuition, I had struggled to reconcile what I had learnt and what I was doing. Not much monetary returns either. I was so tired then.

Now I am in the education line, doing fairly. There is better money here and I can somewhat handle a class. BUT recently these thoughts came back with a vengence. Is it the manifestation of the Mid-life syndrome? Often I am tired. Sometimes going for jap class is a chore that I have to drag myself to. There are numerous games that I had little time to play. Even mapling is not a daily affair cos I feel sleepy around 4-5pm. True now I can give my parents pocketmoney, have a bit more time compared to previous working and tuitioning, can afford better things. BUT somewhat I seem to lose focus.

What or why am I working for now?

Every morning, I am almost always on the dot arrive. Cursing the morning for arriving so soon. Wanting to sleep more. I am the one who dashes out of the gates once the bell rings. I am the first one out if I can clear my stuff. I am the one who looks most forward to school holidays. What mentality am I having? Seems a student mentality. Cant wait for school to be over.

Then I looked at other collegues. They stayed minimum to 3pm and beyond on a daily basis. They have other duties like admin work on top of just teaching with marking. I seriously wonder if I can even do that for a month? Just look at my energy lvl now?!?

On days like today when my lessons dont go so well, I do get discouraged somewhat. I know that one has to learn from mistakes and move on but sometimes things are not so easy to get over with especially when you got less than 24hrs to the next meeting with the same class. I wonder how others do it? How can they stand it? Seriously I am having doubts over my abilities. Fair enough my maths is okay but my english is really atrocious. Two lessons so far and I feel I have bored the class to tears. How to even pass my practicum. Then again if not for the penalty, I wont even have minded. But as it is imperative to pass, I do hope I can clean up my act before the supervision. *BIG SIGN*

This is only partly what is causing my Quarter-life Syndrome cos on times I wonder y am I even working. Postponing my dreams thus far just to work for another 3 years. Somehow I postponed my dreams so long that I vaguely remember what it was that I wanted in the first place. Somehow I've lost sight of what I REALLY wanted, as opposed to what parents and other peeple's expectations. I just am confused.

Whenever I ask myself what is it that I really want?

My immediate answer would be to stop working and stay home and enjoy the time that is all mine. BUT is this realistic? *sign* maybe I am just so lost that I am going around in circles, but ever since I've started working, I really want to stop working...

Maybe I would be looking at no-pay leave. But that is still in the future, at least another few years down the road. But for now I am searching for some way to reconcile my hostility to working and my lost dreams. Am I thinking too much? or is this an internal struggle that each of us has to reconcile on our own?

So far I do not like my own answers. My sister asked me if I have so much complaints, y did I join? Well I am okay with it, not cos I love kids or anything... but there is something missing... Well as a means to answer this, I went to the GuanYin temple and qiu qian. The qian for work this year tells me to be patient though everything seems to be bare or no return. I am not sure if I can wait patiently... Not sure if this is accurate but given the last one is quite, I can only bite the bullet and ride it out.

Hmm incidentally, I asked about love also. A bad qian. Says the best is to remain who I am, at least that is the general message. Oh well. So single lor. No guys to bio but my dream guy...