PUI! PUI! And a BIG KAPUI day!

Wtf am I even teaching english? Wtf did I even choose it in the first place? I am not the most proficient in it, I dun even know adverbial or adjectival phrases until fairly recently. Y am I even teaching it?

Today is the 2nd observation by Supervisor, meaning this is the first time she came down with me knowing, such that I have time to prepare something impressive to showcase. Which I tried. Very hard. I made several sets of readings for the group activity to draft a gp biography. It was related to the theme I am currently at. In the process, I had to search the internet for relevant articles, printed them, found them to be too wordy, edit and cut until each is 1pg long, reprint, design instruction page, a text structure ws and photocopy them all to ensure 2 sets per gp, 2 sets for observation . All done mainly on last saturday. It meant that my weekend was blown, with it weighing on my mind, dominating my thoughts, trying to anticipate everything and pre-empt any issues. For today, I even reached work at 6.45am instead of 7.10am the usual, took a cab to put a set on CT table, went up to classroom to set up visualizer (something like OHP) and ensure that it was working. Whilst assembly, my mind was taken up, trying not to repeat my previous mistake of not achieving the learning outcomes. Then my sup came and we went up.

All in all, I felt though certain parts of the delivery could have been improved upon, I really felt I did a decent one this time. Remembering that the previous one she just dropped in and I was teaching from tb one. She gave me some positive feedback for the lesson though she did mention some weakness with the groupwork and even a bit of classroom mgt. I felt really relieved! But knowing my CT, I was a bit apprendsive cos he often looked at things more closely. The nitty-gritty.

After school, we sat down, trying to wolf down food and talk about the observation. This being my 3rd so far. Lets just say he started by asking what my sup said, what I felt about it. Then when I asked him about improvements, then a whole barrage of classroom mgt issues came up because the group work I did, didnt really go smoothly for all groups. Basically alot of nitty-gritty. The thing that really got me was when he repeated this sentence which he said after the 2nd observation "You have to showcase your best for the observation...." (It was already my best, what makes u think it was not the best or it was a mess???) The tone really got to me, it sounded very harsh. I started to tear inspite of myself and it shocked him. Later due to the workshop, we couldnt continue. During the break, he apologised for upsetting me but after the meeting, I had to apologise to him for being unprofessional. Its not what he said but his way and tone. It sounded as if he was reprimanding. I am terribly embarassed but I am quite sensitive to that particular tone. Dunno if it had something to do with my primary school days where I got into trouble over the dentist and had to see the Principal whom I vaguely remember use that tone. Some unconscious emotional scar trigger that is always activated by that tone. May really have to see a psychatrist one day to establish why that trigger exist. Sign. I really hate to show weakness. But it really got to me. Not to mention ruin what was supposedly to be a day of signed relief. The other trainee cheered me up by telling me that she overheard his tone, not the content and felt that it was harsh. Cos we sat near her table. I told her that it was not the content but the tone. She assured that if it was her, she would have started tearing before he got through one sentence...

Basically I am worn out. It has been a long day. The workshop ended around 6pm and I reached home at almost 6.45pm. Its 12 hours. No time to do anything today. I am just beat. Sian. Need a break. Am doing nothing now. Batantly refuse to do. Though my lps not done for tomorrow. Like the english lesson continuation tomorrow. I just cant be borthered to do. Not to mention I discovered to my horror that my MP3 player is spoilt. Dropped it last week then today sounded funny. Dunno where is my warranty card. Dunno if it is at hall. Great! Just great. Today is not even Friday the 13th, just Apr 3rd!

*Sighs* Just need a good rest to be my normal self tomorrow and some leftover Heinkein from last week and some diet coke to cheer me up.

At this rate, I start to seriously doubt my ability to last 3 years. How can one go through this if jsut 5 weeks and it feels like hell already? Got to make some mid-term career plans... Or go for 4D or Toto to strike.