A exploration of my current state...

Currently employed, earning decent pay, young and single. Best time of your life right? Yar by right it should be. Somehow being the person living my life, I beg to differ. WHY do I feel this way? I am trying to identify the root cause so that I can live this life comfortably until the end of my bond.

Work fatique is one reason. I have been in the industry for 2 years, of which 1year is spent in the class. Its getting to me. And like what Tab said "Somedays are just too 'interesting' that I wish they could be more boring." Couldnt agree more. The 'interesting' aspects puts one in too much stress and high-adrenalin levels that after a fairly short time, fatique sets in. Not to mention the scale of work is a huge exponential jump from the inital contract days.

Personal time being taken up is another factor. There is a constant pile of marking. Have to go early to do so or bring home. Going early entails waking early, taxi there, mark like crazy, tired, then go for classes. Bringing home entails chucking my bag at my table and leaving it there untouched until the weekend is over. A bit of a dilemma. Think the former is a better alternative. Also weekly lesson plan is so far done on sundays. The fact is that once work ends on Friday, the TGIF mood kicks in and work-related stuffs are just chucked at the corner and out of the mind. The familiar "I-dun-want-to-do-it-I-want-my-weekend" syndrome. So far I have managed to squeeze things into the weekdays, even lps on monday mornings. Guess it will continue to be so.

Observation, one of the most dreaded aspect of this occupation. To those unfamiliar, its a lesson planned to wayang wayang to show to important people (P,VP,HOD or even Supervisor in nei days) Basically though supposedly not judgemental but developmental, the stress is still the same. The lesson is not an accurate reflection of what you would usually do or typically do, but is so peppered with PPT, activities and even worksheets, all designed to impress upon your audience what a good n capable 'cher you are. To show them that you can deliver such high quality and engaging lessons. The reality is once it is finished and they have walked out, its back to the REAL way. The normal, more efficient way termed Chalk&Board.

I just had an observation upon rather short notice. I came out with my own, quite happy with it, showed it to my RO whom gave more ideas to add on, which entails alot of changes and the move from chalktalk to PPT. The ob was the next day, hence I went home and rushed out the changes on the morning of the ob, cos that day itself was a very heavy day and I was deadbeat by evening. However I tried to sleep earlier that night cos I had to wake up much earlier to do the changes. BUT things didnt go that way, I tossed and turned until past 1am then fell asleep uneasily. My mind wouldnt stop thinking about the lesson. So the next day, I woke up deadtired, made the slides and changes, printed out copies, made photocopies at a shop, taxi to work to make photocopies of the few pages of materials. Handed over to my sups and went back to my seat to try to do work, which I didnt manage to do much. Couldnt risk tiring myself out from endless marking. After that, went up to the room during recess and prepared the comp and visualizer and my stuff, prep things up and once the bell rang. Had to go down to bring up the class and then the show begins. Later on, the feedback I got were quite positive. Though I couldnt help feel that the amount of work and effort doesnt justify this type of observations. (PS this is not as much compared to what some chers have spent on just 1 ob, a collegue I knew last time worked until 9pm before just on preparing her resources.) That night after, I rewarded myself with good food and a gin coke and did absolutely nothing whilst at home. No wonder many end up in IMH, leave the service. If this keeps up, we'll all go kuku.

Think I have identified wat really IRKS me about my job. The first 2 already kinda bad enough, the 3rd one is just the straw that breaks the camel's back. For now this broken-back camel is trying to get on its feet. See how it goes. Maybe I should start buying 4D and Toto.