Farewell Lunch with Current Unit? My Lessons

On tuesday, my collegues in the Current Unit A all asked me for lunch, something like a Unit Lunch, I guess to show their appreciation and bid farewell. Well on the whole it feels kinda 'funny', cos though I am closer to them compared to others who dun care hoot. They are kind and very nice to me. Though really i dun talk much with them, only when I ask questions relating to the work I had to do. So I feel ackward. I guess I am trying too hard to try to start a conversation. Well lunch was Japanese style, and I talked much more- abt one week's worth of conversation. Somehow I will miss them, cos they were the only ones who were nice and decent to me. At least they cared when I fell ill. Well I can only blame myself for not using the time I had to know them better. And not to use this internship opportunity to secure a perm job at the dept. But I guess I was too easily caught up in the work, bad experiences with some collegues and my own internal struggle - feeling lost and stagnating, to be able to look beyond what I already had. I guess I HAVE to learn to deal with this in my next job. In my remaining days, I shall try to live up to this.

I am not ANTI-SOCIAL or whatever, its just that I can do without communication. I am very NEUTRAl to pple, basically u can do your own thing, and I am fine with that, I respect your individuality. I try to avoid pre-judging based on appearances. Until u come and do something to me: If u got friendly, my impression then change positively but if hostility is shown, u lose my respect. Usually I dun retaliate, cos its pointless. But on occasions, I have to learn to be ASSERTIVE.

I am not good at starting conversations if I cant find a common topic. I just have a quiet side. I am trying to catch the conversation and join in if I can. If not, I will listen to learn something. I am not those who like to insist on their point of view, or exert their influence on everything. THIS is really one of my GREATEST WEAKNESS as a person. Maybe I should try much harder.

Also sometimes I lose sight of what is impt cos I am too caught up in my own internal struggles. It is good sometimes not to think anymore and just act. Cos if u think too much, u overplay your fears and become immoblised by over-exaggerated and unrealistic fears. We all fall into this trap sometimes.

My sense of the future/next job?

My Sup asked me twice on what type of job I am looking for. But there is still no indication of any offers. I dunno if its just a casual question or a 'test'. Well on both times she asked very suddenly, and I didnt give very clear answers, cos I am very confused myself. In reality, I dun really know what I want. Even if I have a very rough idea, the job may not be so forthcoming. But at least, after the internship, I have a better sense of myself, though I didnt put it thru very clearly to my Sup. I dunno how cos they are very rough ideas.

I know I want to take up some courses though they take years to complete and alot of $
I know I want to do some self study to upgrade my skills.
I know I need a job with decent pay and benefits.
I know I want either a contract job or perm.
I know if I can, I want to go into the field of finance.

I am having a very hard time thinking of my answers. Its like a plan for the next 2-3 years. Maybe I shouldnt rush things but I fear the lack of focus will set me on another roundabout hunt for a job that wouldnt manifest into anything tangible in terms of pay and experience.