Strange...

It is ironic.

When I was in the midst of working still, I felt life is kinda aimless. Now when I am not working, life is still kinda aimless. Even when I am doing so many things, I still have this nagging feeling that life is still aimless.

You dont choose to be 'alive' and u cant choose when it ends. You dont choose ur family, you cant choose ur looks, you cant choose ur country. U just exists and then life continues as it has always does.

Yes there are other choices to make it life, beyond the ones that u cant choose above. You can choose to be proactive, to be passive, to make urself happy, to be sad, to be extroverted, to be introverted, to blame everyone all around, to blame urself, to embrace ur dreams, to live in fears of treading outside the beaten path, to enjoy the process, to dread everyday, to live past your fears, to live trapped inside ... and so many more.

I am progressing fairly good in terms of my other pursuits. My guitar is progressing to 3rd stage, can play way better than before I started. My driving is proceeding nicely. Passed my Basic theory, got my PDL, at 3rd practice of Final Theory today, I passed 5 practice booklets at a shot. Have 2 more practice then going for Evaluation and then shortly in November, going for FT test and starting practical sessions. My jap is alright, I managed to passed my Level 6 test I think and for JLPT prep class, I managed to scrape through for the written part. Need to be more focused for listening.

On the stock market, I am turning into a slightly longer term cos I realized that if I sold those that I have on hand, just to 'feel' secure that I generated an income eg $1k for say month of Oct cos I am uneasy about this lack of income part, then I would miss out on much greater gains IF the prices go up further. So instead of making $300 per share, I might have sold it off at less than $100 gains per share. That is not good in terms of absolute amount. So mulitiply out, instead of making $3k, earn only $1k. So after 1 sale, I told myself, no more. Going to practice a different kind of patience now. One that is more long-term. Still havent hit $25k target mark, cos didnt make much sale in the 2 months that I have been unemployed. Made 2 sale but the absolute amount made does not replace 2 months income. So previously a bit anxious but I have to tell myself to go for a way bigger gain by holding on for more gains. Its not as though I need the money now, its just a very Mental security thingy I guess. That is something many investors will be familiar and have to overcome at times.

Family problems side, well mom has ran off to her hometown for the 3rd time into the 3rd month since things started. It will become another frequent thing. Ties are strained, and I cant help sighing at the state of things. But its their own lives, I cant dictate much. Just hope for the best.

At times I ask myself, whether I should be starting to look for a job now. But really I have NO idea of what I want to do, where should I head to. Was worried that getting a job would clash with my schedule of the pursuits esp driving and JLPT. Hmm if delay a bit more, it would soon hit 3 mths, 4mths, even 1/2 year mark? That wouldnt be good too... Was thinking of trying to apply for tuition centres, but that is only a thought thus far. Havent acted upon it yet to check out the working hours. Am I being too ambitious, doing so much and still thinking of a job at the same time, or am I being too lax? Should I pace myself a bit more, I dont know if I am ready for things yet or should I clear some a bit more to get settled.... Hmm... guess I need to think through some of these more deeply. Wouldnt want to end up as a permanently unemployed unless my shares can generate that BIG of an income. I have a 6 mths buffer from my stock gains but I dont wish to prolong it too much unnecessarily... Signz but with things at home and even being rather busy doing all the courses, I find I dont think through these as much. Maybe I am not ready yet. Hope to find 'the drive' eventually