Well I was reading thru my latest entry, the one with the test result. It is pretty accurate, abt 85% right, esp since I already realised that I had these types of tendencies. I roughly know my own style, hence I am really trying to find a job/organization that really value these tendencies.

Interestingly or to no surprise, most of the stuff that motivates me are not there in my workplace, but instead it is filled with demotivators.... But the results seem to suggest to me that I am not Daring enough, just want to maintain status quo. I would disagree. Though I respect authority, somehow I am a Rebel in heart. I really hate status quo, esp if it's not broke, dun fix attitude.

In my current workplace, I stayed on at a price..... a price that is very high indeed.... Empathy and despair

At first. I went in wanting to prove something. Wanting to succeed in the project that I was supposed to be involved in... I was highly motivated and focused cos I signed up for it willingly. Then initially nothing abt the project was told to me, I was doing temp work for abt 1.5 mths. Then 'assigned' to another unit to help out with more temp work. Though I was given time to work on the project. I already tried my best then, with my limited time, information and understanding to write a report with recommendations, which I handed over to my Sup. Then nothing happened for the next 2 mths. No feedback, no nothing.

At that time, all I was doing was temp work at the other unit, suffering from unrealistic timing and menial tasks, and stern telling off... with degrading tone used, treated with hostility.... by the few bitches there. Blamed for missing files... Many a times I despaired and contemplated quitting. But what held me back was 2 things: I still had the project, half done, which nothing was told to me, and the willpower n determination, not to give-in to bitches. Though i didnt realize it then, I lost something in staying on. Empathy started to take root, I didnt really care anymore. I didnt have anymore illusions abt them coverting or whatever. I lost the want n will to stay on in the organization. Not anymore. That explains why I cannot picture myself working there anymore after my internship is up. U just dun feel like working there anymore. Somehow I am willing to brave the turmoil of the employment market again.

Now, just a bit more of time before it all ends, and so far the project is stagnating. Frankly after working so hard during the working hours, often beyond. By the time I reached home, I dun want to try to improve on the project. Its no point. No feedback, no nothing.... The last time I asked, I got a not-so-nice response from her..... I also realized later on after working at both units, that the issues that I am trying to tackle are too complex and involves too many parties etc. It is not really implementable with no help from my Sup. The only thing that I got back was a list. Then still no feedback.... I am now guinea pig. Sup trying out new policies eg the list.... Monday is going to be another surprise for me... Just told simply that I was to do something, yet no details provided. Just what do they treat me as. But then again I am becoming too empathic to care anymore. I will still try while I am in office, but beyond the hrs, I guessed I have given up trying. I just try to get enough rest and muster enough courage to face up to work. I feel sadden that I cannot see any progress in the project... I cannot help reduce the workload of the perms in current unit, no long term solution for the problem that I can clearly see, yet have no clear-cut answer for. Sign.... And to think that I had dropped 3 offers to do this internship, cos I genuinely thought that it would benefit me. Bakana saru (stupid monkey)

I do notice that I have become stronger, mentally and emotionally. Maybe I am not as naive or wide-eyed compared to when I just graduated. My pride, ego and feelings have been hurt many a times, that somehow I drew the line, and am not that vulnerable anymore. My dreams and determination still keeps me going, though I may stop at times. Unexpectly I have lost quite some weight. First off I dun eat breakfast cos my stomache not strong in mornings. Then lunch, I just seem to lose my appetite, so its very light. Only dinner is normal, though it can be quite late: I ever had dinner at 11pm before. Then everytime I too stressed, pissed or tired, I would do abt half hour of exercise. Mostly with weights. So somehow I managed to lose weight. But i dun feel different, still as tired, stressed, pissed. Except when I step on the scales, then am surprised tahat I weigh lighter. Never been so 'light' before, oh well, maybe I will reach my ideal weight soon.