Can someone deliver me from this gigantic shit pile I'm in?
I can painfully feel the lyrics of the song, Tourniqet, by Evanscence, in my heart.
"I tried to kill the pain, but it got more, so much more..
I laid dead and I'm pouring, Crimson regret, that beach me,
I'm dying, pray...ing, bleed...ing, I'm scream...ing.
Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too.... lost...
My God, my tourniqet, return to me salvation.
My God, my tourniqet, return to me salvation.."
Imagine an entire week where I clock in 7am, clock out 5.45pm average. This is not cos I stayed back to mark. BUT cos I have other things like a couple of courses, CCA competition out of school plus meeting and even throw in house practice. All these means I have NO time to do anything else, even marking. So how do I try to do my marking, during all my free periods, scrapping as much time as I could to mark/print/do bus booking/consent form on top of that teaching. Lunch is non-affair. No appetite or time or peace to eat. I drink isotonic drink to last unil about 1-2pm. I am fast burning out. I try to finish my marking by bringing some home, BUT once I reached home after 2 shifts, I cant manage another shift. Its too painful, too inhumane, too workaholic... I am not a robot, though there are those teachers who do, do this. Well from my observation, these teachers are MOSTLY married, nearing mid-30s.
Well they are 'settled' in marriage, and their focus is on their careers, on bringing the bacon home. Their foucs is family, they dun really need a social life. Some mark when they watch tv.
BUT I am a SINGLE, still trying to find my way/path. I want to spend time on family and myself. I have things I want to do, play, go out. Imagine reaching home from work around 7pm. I know of pple who work in pte sector who reach home around that time. But by then I would have clocked in 2-3hrs more than them. The level of tiredness...
Even if I have no life, I dun want to spend my days doing 3shifts. Even factory workers do maximum of 2 shifts.
Then other irritating crap is the amount of monkey biz and crap happening in the class. Just go F(*$#( themselves, dun hand in, dun bring, tell lies and more. Even toilet-cleaner dun have so much crap to clean.
Recently ever since I've discovered TOTO and 4D, I have been buying and using the draw dates as tippers. Tippers according to Tab, is like points to help you pass the week. So on Wed, its 4D, Mon and Thu are Toto. The rest are on weekends. So far no luck. Maybe I should go temple and seriously and sincerely pray for a hit, not much, just enough for $23k to break my bond prematurely. At most be a tuition teacher, more teaching done and a much easier life.
Signz... from tuesday onwards, I have difficulty sleeping. Too much on my mind that though I try very hard not to think about it, it pops up and keeps me awake. I have resorted to downing a can of Jolly Shandy immediately and lie down to sleep. So far it works. Though its only 0.5%, it let me sleep peacefully until 6am. Work is so crap that I reach home and drink a can of Shandy to relax. So now I am downing 2 shandies a day. Drowns out the mental anguish and those things on mind, lets me relax. Just hope I dun 'graduate' to drinking beer, hard liquor or wine. Then I log onto maple to relax after a LONG day. About an hr. Then the work I dabao, I just chuck one side.
My youngest sister Geoky remarked to me, "The more you work, the free-er you get." The idea is there is no use proscrastinating, the faster u start, the lesser it gets and then you have more time for yourself.
But in reality there is another type of work. Krynnder might be more familiar... There is just so much to do that no matter how much OT you clock in, even on weekends, you just cant clear. Imagine that.
Now I am seriously trying to prioritise. There is a trade-off. School vs Class. There is only so many hours I have. There are things to be cleared from School and things to clear for Class. School vs Class. A lot of School things eat up my time to clear Class things. Class things I try to clear but too much to clear. End up delay in returning work. End up class suffers. End up I get burnt out.
Mgt should seriously look into the workload planning they are doing. BUT an observation about Teaching. Seriously some cannot plan. They are not organizers by training. They are just trained to teach. They can plan or organize realistic things. End up having everthing last minute or not realistic (idealistic) or things come immediately one after another. No wonder burn-outs is seriously happening to those who are BTs, new teachers who cant do anything cos they are at the mercy of the bond. Those who cannot take it, break the bond, go back to pte. Those who cannot pay, wait it out, and quit once the bond is over. Those who wait, in the end, decided that they could tahan and continue. In the end, teaching is staffed by those who can tahan with all the crap. This is some serious shit inside. Wonder if its like this at other places. This is my observation from working for 1yr 9mth in 2 schools.
Its only week 1 after the break and everyone in my level is sian. Me is ultra sian cos I and another are the only ones, who stay back on a daily basis. Others leave around 3-4pm. They within half hr of travel.
"I tried to kill the pain, but it got more, so much more..
I laid dead and I'm pouring, Crimson regret, that beach me,
I'm dying, pray...ing, bleed...ing, I'm scream...ing.
Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too.... lost...
My God, my tourniqet, return to me salvation.
My God, my tourniqet, return to me salvation..."
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