Some recent thoughts...

Today is a rare day indeed.

Its the first day of the week of a new month.

A day where like usual, I woke up wishing fervently that I could go back to sleep.

A day where I finally havent have to stay back for either after-work things/cca/marking. Not that I dun have work to mark. But seriously I was not up to it. Knowing myself, at such times, I cant work fast or efficiently. Best thing to do during such times is to get away and rest, then continue later. Which was what I did. Dabaoed some really outstanding work and went off at an ungodly early time of 1.35pm. A first.

Though the travel journey took an hr still, I reached home near 3pm, after making a short detour to buy food and top up my weekly 4D and Toto. After eating near 4pm, had a nap until 6pm.

Woke up and bathed. Near 7 plus, went out to nearby 7-11 to get some stickers. Supply running out. Then remembered that my supply of Jolly Shandy is running low. Left with 5 cans out of 2 dozen. Time to restock. There was no shop selling it, hence I hopped onto a bus to a nearby NTUC at Central. On the way, I went to the bookshop to stock up on some stationaries and buy some Assessment books to help with my teaching. Of course no reimbursements. Part of building up resources... Then I bought another 2 dozen cans of Shandy and took a bus home.

During my journey home from work and the subsequent trip to Central, I was doing some thinking and reflecting...

On the issue of the bond:
It is still not as bearable. I can live with it grudgingly. Am willing to put aside some money for 4D and Toto to "buy a hope" to end it prematurely.

On the issue of investment:
Investing to generate another source of income is also a major priority. Given IF I want to end this employment asap (only if I strike?), there would be no income source. If I do tuition or others, a drop in income is expected. Cant live on air alone. Finding other sources of income is important.

On the issue of the work itself
I will still continue to put more efforts into work for the Class than work for the School. Will try to prioritise, not proscrastinate too much esp when I do work at home, and gain more skills in Diplomacy and Taiji and Mask-wearing to make working with collegues, supervisors and bosses easier? Maybe put my strategizing and observation skills to work to "manage the work n the pple". One thing I have yet to accept is the Work politics as well as mask-wearing. So I dun put these skills to use in work. Try to show the real me. But this has backfired and suffered recent setbacks that partly explains my unmotivated, I-want-to-quit thing.

On the issue of happiness in work/ work-life balance..
My mom woke up early this morning while I was preparing my milo drink. She followed me out and waited and watched, as I waited for the taxi. She said to me "Cheer up and smile more," while we were waiting for the lift. My reply to her was "I would only smile if it was the last day of my bond/work..." Her next response was "Then that means you would never smile or be happy." I could only sign in reply.

The small happiness of family care and concern helps to pass this difficult period of time. I am grateful to my family and friends who truely care unconditionally. I try to return the care. Its a source of strength when I was faltering and lost.

On my way home from NTUC, I really searched my memory for the times when I was truely happy while working and the reasons. I can say there were some times but not as much.

(1) The first 2months of HSBC - Its the first job. Start earning on my own. Nice view from the Shenton way branch. Nice pple except for a bitch. 2nd mth transferred to near Plaza Sing branch. Nice temp friends to talk and suffer with, nice cheap food for lunch, nice cheerful pple except some bitches.

Then things go downwards due to the unhappiness generated from those bitches, low pay issue and low savings, repetitive and limited job scope, stress of finding permanent employment, tiredness.

(2) First 2mths of Shittybank - Again glad to have found employment and income, can gain experience, high expectations due to the strong promise of potential give its brandname, had a room with nice view to myself initially, somewhat nice colleuges within the small unit, a nice collegue who left near March.

Then things go downwards due to lonliness from big age gap and hugely differing interests, not on same frequency as these mid-30s,40s collegues, longer and longer hrs of free OT, confined to having no workspace of my own, doing immigrant daily, mundane data entry and eye-balling, stress of permanent employment, urgency to earn as much as I could, tiredness of doing both work and tuition on 2-3weekdays and on Sundays.

(3) First 1 week of the next ****Bank - source of income, clear bond time, a different workplace, expectations to do something different, interesting officer who smokes cigars, uses a used Absolute Vodka bottle as water bottle, who games and he shared some interesting stories and facts with me, and some temp friends whom are of similar age/interests and we share the same concerns, the CoffeBean half price offers where we spent our hard-earned money without regret.

Then things go downwards due to the way we were treated, somewhat no workspace, not much interaction with the rest as the unit was huge, near 50+ pple, no one was bothered to get to know us, limited work, low pay, tiredness, better job prospect pressures.

(4) Time when I taught tuition - Hourly pay was much better, gratifying to see improvments, able to help inpart exam skills, smart guessing techniques I used myself, see that interest in the subject is generated and fears managed. That particular pupil I took for 1.5yrs. A good and nice kid except for laziness according to mom.

The reason why I stopped was partly the fatique from travelling 1hr to-and-fro after work immediately to do home tuition. Dinner was a bao/currypuff munched on the way. The health thing was getting to me. I felt real exhausted daily. Didnt feel so good on some days but still had to turn up.

(5) 1 term with my first mentor, M and maybe next 3mths after that - main reason being M was very nice to me. He guided me by letting me sit in many a times in his class, answering very truthfully whenever I asked him something, be it work-wise, lesson-wise. A very forthcoming and cheerful person who also take pains to help me fit in, address my concerns, introd collegues and his group of friends. Still very grateful to him. It was what led me to consider taking up teaching. The 2nd mentor was a lady who seemed quite fierce intially but surprisingly we worked well together. I helped to clear her marking load and she does make some comments to me about some of the politics/things happening. Many new things still, many firsts in being MC, excursion, cca, sch projects, can go back near 2-3pm, got time to go gym, pure teaching load, no admin load yet.

Then things go downwards due to the repetive nature of things. It seems after about half a year, there is nothing new, beside getting more and more work. After being in the place and understanding the culture, the inital bright picture turns darker. The autocracy, hidden undercurrent of tensions, the khakis grouping, the age gap, interest gaps, mentality gaps, clammering for climbing the ladder. It is not as easy to ignore as one is drawn involuntarily into this current and soon is following in the ways... The lone nail that is standing out, is soon hammered in with the rest.

(6) NIE 9mths less practicum - marked a stop of working, something new to look forward to, looking forward to being a better educator, expected more free time, started Mapling, refreshing to stay in hostel again.

Downs - Choosing 2 specialization meant I had more lessons, hence issue of tiredness persist, some modules plain useless, unrealistic, too much work for too few marks, climbing up and down many floors in hostel and in campus to aggravated my knee problem.

(7) 3mths of current workplace - There are nice collegues who try to get to know me, make jokes at my expense, try to help me fit in, offer help, the hours were shorter, good buddy who helped with the admin and orientating

Things went downhill exponentially this year, due to the much earlier waking hours, much longer working hours, working with different pple, dun see the nice collegues, few with similar interests or cocerns or frequency, huge increase in responsibilities and complexity of the adminstrative part tat is mind-boggling, time consuming, backlog marking from tensions between Class vs Sch/CCA, setbacks in work, constant fatique and ill-health from lack of exercise, stress and unhappiness plus aircon.

Looking at these, its not difficult to see a pattern.

First I do enjoy learning and doing new things, so long as its not really MORE work. Like to have many Firsts. Yet when things turn to routine and becomes repetitive, it becomes unchallenging and boring.

Second, it is really important to have cheerful and nice collegues who care. While I dun expect pple to nice to me intially if i dun take the first step. It helps to have them around to make the grind easier to bear. Especially when I dun have a cheerful dispoisition to begin with and tend to be more serious and pessismistic.

Thirdly, health is really an issue. When my health goes, cough until i feel so sick but still have to continue. Its not worthwhile to work so hard only to fall sick and spend hard-earned money on recovering health. Health = Wealth. Yet according to the Chinese sinseh I am seeing, some of my work is causing my health to give way. Eg getting angry, means my temper goes up n down, will cause heatiness that is giving rise to my cough. Next sensitve stomach and not frequent eating hrs meant my stomach suffers. So at this rate, to recover health, need less taxing job. More fixed hrs, decent full 1hr lunch helps.

Lastly is the Stress from severe lack of time. This ties partly with the inital stress of permanent employment and income level. In the early stages of work, I was concern with finding employement to serve the bond asap and earn a decent amt to support myself. Extra time was used to earn more money (tuition). Then it moved to a different lvl, when with contract, there was still enough of personal time to pursue what I liked and have enough rest. Hence happier then during contract. Now as a BT (beginning teacher) esp this year, I find I have NO time to do things at all esp during weekdays. Its almost pure work plus 2hrs of travelling daily. Fatique builds up and my unhappiness builds up.

After working for abt 40mths (10+9+12+9), I have saved some money and have cleared 1 bond (NUS). There is still 1 more to go. Money = Time. I never really understood it until now. If I want to save travelling time n fatique, I travelled by taxi to work and it costs me $8.70 per 15-20min ride. If I want to save money, I travelled by public transport home, paying $2.50 for 1hr 10mins. In a single day, I spend $12 and 1.5hrs on transport. Its a struggle. Some pple okay with it, maybe cos they dun have a strong need for personal time like I do.

The monetary pressures have eased from intial days of working but the stress from the work has increased exponentially, coupled with the strong need for own free and personal time. Unhappiness arise when personal time is taken up by work, especially dabaoing work home and doing work on Sundays. Yet not enough time to finish on weekdays after putting in so many hours. Its pulling me apart to reconcile this. (todays dabaoed work is not done again, and its almost 12am liaao) Its tearing me apart to reconcile this struggle.

With so many internal struggles, its surprising I am still holding up. Cracking at the seams, burning at both ends and fighting daily battles when I wake up. Trying to numb or distract myself. Using music, comics, maplestory, going out next door to walk, alcohol (shandy n weekends), weekend going out, and even not to think about it. But its still a great internal struggle daily.

Signz... its already 12am, I have to go though there's still many thoughts.