My passion waning.....
Yes I had a bad day. Its considered among one of the few worst days ever since I started at this job. For one, I started out very sian after a long and tiring day yesterday. Tuesday my very very heavy day. Then today by right is supposed to be lightest day cos got meeting. With my already quite frustrated and sian predesposition, I taxi to work. I got through the meeting. But during the talk with my supervisor, I just feel like tearing. Partly due to frustration on my part, cos too much things and so many petty stuff in class, syllabus and 4 heavenly kings. Enough to really make me feel like throwing in the towel. Y, cos I feel like its my fault. Guess I am just feeling kinda sensitive today, partly being unwell, stomache not feeling so good.
Some questions: "Do you think they are giving you enough help?"
My genuine answer is (Of course not. I know that I am supposed to ask but bloody hell, everything I dunno, dun even know where to start to ask. Everyday something is put on my table, no instruction, no nothing, just do? Then how is it to be carried out? WTF is that thing? WTF am I to do? Yes I got ask and got tell me if I ask. If I dun ask, nothing is said. Alot of times I dunno whom to ask, what to do, where to go....) "Fine. I am fitting in nicely......."
Anyway after that, work started and headed for the 'short' day. Everything went well or okay until the final lesson. Got them to sit on the floor then the same few up to their tricks. Later raised my voice at both of them and one started his famous trantrums, threw the table n chair n threw stationary that hit someone. I had been forewarned about this but the impact is devestating on my already sian state. I got the rest to sit down and ignore that fella, got the rest back on track to finish half of what I intended but more engagingly than what I had intended initially. The irony of it all.
But it left me very emotionally drained and emotional. Sian, frustration at its very very high levels. Had to talk to the troublemakers and I also feel like crying. Then while talking with the vp, i was kinda of emotional, again almost tearing. Sign. This is not how or what I want to start out in a new place. So nvm about it. After work, just took a taxi home, stopped at Ginza and rented 20 comics at one shot, and am now eating my favourite PrawnBeeHoon and drinking GIN rootbeer to destress.
My morale kinda of low, fatique level high, sian level high, frustration level high, feel-like-going-insane level high. Passion level low.
Days left: 2years 10mths 17 days.
Let the count down begin.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Sayonara Sensei
Well think I dun need to practice my jap (scored higher than Tab) haha :P so I'll write in Eigo. Today both of us went for our jap graduation ceremony at the same venue as last year. This time, nobody from our gang gate-crashed for the free food. Yes they have those boneless chicken wings again.
Anyway both of us passed our lvl 3 and are continuing onto lvl 4. And again for the 3rd consecutive year, I got the pen. Tab reckoned that if this continues, they would have to present me with a special award for never missing class for n years! Well it just shows the lack of life on my part, no dates or anything, and so with nothing better to do, might as well go for jap lesson. Learn something. Though there were many times where I had to physically drag myself out of the house to attend lessons, its the journey I dislike, not the class. Hence think I will continue doing that until circumstances forced it. Oh Tab almost got the pen except she had to miss one lesson due to work. Zannenyo.
We were a bit sad to learn that our sensei for 2 years is leaving, going back to Japan, though dun think she is like Fukuda, somewhat no longer employed by the school. Anyway she is there in a pink kimono with sakura flowers. So formal. So before the Lvl 3 were called, the whole bunch of us went forward to take photos of her, like she's some idol cos she was reading out the names of receiptants. Anyway did manage to get 1-2 good shots. Sign, I want to go Japan also. To show our appreciation, we did buy a card and a small gift for her, which Tab forgot to bring. Nvm she would have to make the trip down to hand it over. Near the end, both of us got to take a photo with her. Sensei sayonara.
Well how I wish, I could also say sayonara to my work. Bloody hell, didnt feel like doing it this morning cos have to go for Jap ceremony, then came back around 6pm, mapled a bit, went out with family for dinner, come back maple a bit more, and now dun feel like doing lp. Like wat Tab says, this part about eating into personal time sucks ass. I have not really enjoyed a decent sunday ever since practicum. Now its amost a given that at least half my sunday is used for Lp and powerpoint, resourcing or watever. Think I wont and cant do anything tonight. Having a serious bout of "I dun feel like doing tat right now" syndrome. K will wake up earlier tom to pia out one. And tomorrow I will go to work normally, instead of having to taxi there 2-3hours earlier to mark or piah work. Man, I did that for the entire week. Sian, work too hard, think too much liao. So lets just leave everything to tomorrow.
Now back to piahing my 178 episodes of "Prince of Tennis", currently on disc 2 out of 23 discs. At last, I can understand a bit more of the Jap inside though not all. Well I hope to continue my jap until really really cannot make it. Dun mind if I could persist like this for guitar course and learn continuously and see results but screw that Yamaha...
Well think I dun need to practice my jap (scored higher than Tab) haha :P so I'll write in Eigo. Today both of us went for our jap graduation ceremony at the same venue as last year. This time, nobody from our gang gate-crashed for the free food. Yes they have those boneless chicken wings again.
Anyway both of us passed our lvl 3 and are continuing onto lvl 4. And again for the 3rd consecutive year, I got the pen. Tab reckoned that if this continues, they would have to present me with a special award for never missing class for n years! Well it just shows the lack of life on my part, no dates or anything, and so with nothing better to do, might as well go for jap lesson. Learn something. Though there were many times where I had to physically drag myself out of the house to attend lessons, its the journey I dislike, not the class. Hence think I will continue doing that until circumstances forced it. Oh Tab almost got the pen except she had to miss one lesson due to work. Zannenyo.
We were a bit sad to learn that our sensei for 2 years is leaving, going back to Japan, though dun think she is like Fukuda, somewhat no longer employed by the school. Anyway she is there in a pink kimono with sakura flowers. So formal. So before the Lvl 3 were called, the whole bunch of us went forward to take photos of her, like she's some idol cos she was reading out the names of receiptants. Anyway did manage to get 1-2 good shots. Sign, I want to go Japan also. To show our appreciation, we did buy a card and a small gift for her, which Tab forgot to bring. Nvm she would have to make the trip down to hand it over. Near the end, both of us got to take a photo with her. Sensei sayonara.
Well how I wish, I could also say sayonara to my work. Bloody hell, didnt feel like doing it this morning cos have to go for Jap ceremony, then came back around 6pm, mapled a bit, went out with family for dinner, come back maple a bit more, and now dun feel like doing lp. Like wat Tab says, this part about eating into personal time sucks ass. I have not really enjoyed a decent sunday ever since practicum. Now its amost a given that at least half my sunday is used for Lp and powerpoint, resourcing or watever. Think I wont and cant do anything tonight. Having a serious bout of "I dun feel like doing tat right now" syndrome. K will wake up earlier tom to pia out one. And tomorrow I will go to work normally, instead of having to taxi there 2-3hours earlier to mark or piah work. Man, I did that for the entire week. Sian, work too hard, think too much liao. So lets just leave everything to tomorrow.
Now back to piahing my 178 episodes of "Prince of Tennis", currently on disc 2 out of 23 discs. At last, I can understand a bit more of the Jap inside though not all. Well I hope to continue my jap until really really cannot make it. Dun mind if I could persist like this for guitar course and learn continuously and see results but screw that Yamaha...
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Its been a while since my last entry...
Well term has started and I have been 'promoted' to the rank of BT, and am starting as a FT with my own class. I am armed without a float and cast into the sea with tsunami waves in-coming. That sums up the situation very nicely.
I am still struggling with the delivery in class part, unfamilarity with the place, things, syllabus and more, coupled with syallabus to cover, wb to finish and weekly tasks to do and I have almost nearly DROWNED on several occasions. And on top of that. I have to shout fiercely at the class at least once a day. With 4 heavenly kings to tackle. What a paradise? *sign* Having a sore throat now.
So currently taxi early to work to go mark stuff, mark 2+ hours then go to class. After at least 7 periods, the day ends... I drag myself home. Bathe, eat and maple to destress. Tired but sometimes have difficulty sleeping as the brain is going through mentally the things for the next day, or possible lesson plans and even how to handle the misbehaviours... This happens especially when I didnt get to maple enough like today. Lag until I only played less than 1hour and now I cant get to sleep. Then I tend to wake up bloody early, way ahead of my alarm time. Just today I woke up at 630am even though I set for 8.45am. And the sky was still dark but just dunno why I had to wake up. Must be that stupid rubbish truck... Have to push work out of the brains. I have been going early to work since monday, today also, tom also to clear up marking. If I can finish, I am just going in on time on thur n fri, which are both my heavy days.
My cough is not aiding me at all. The cold in the office, coupled with warm classrooms only serves to make me cough like I have TB. I dun cough so much at home or wat but once in aircon place then out to warm places, the coughing fits starts. Surprisingly the P6 class that I took, a concerned student asked if I was seeing the doctor. Incidentally that is the only class I enjoyed. Taking them for HE and when I told them I played Maple, instant connection, cos almost everyone played. So easy for me, they listen and do my work, extra time I let them talk with their friends or talk maple with them. Sweet *cartman style*
Erm form class so far, do enjoy PE with them... Rest am working on it. Trying to be a better BT. Anyway I got some encouragement today ironically. U see in the earlier part of the day, the lesson went pretty good. After recess, during art, it was horrible! Shouted myself hoarse... Then later maths class went decently. The last part was PE and it went pretty well. During the PE, a collegue saw the smiles on their face and wanted to take photo. So I had to repeat the game and let him do so. So some sort of positive encouragement. Another is later VP told me that he observed my class earlier and found it to be good?!? That most are attentive except for a few. Err luckily he didnt see my art class. *Faint* Well I am trying to improve so I dun cause them to fail or wat. And also so that I wont go crazy soon.
I saw my brother on Maple a week back and then I was kinda stressed and sian. He's teaching tuition in a small town. I kinda envy him and have some work fatique so I commented that if I served finish my 3 year bond, I might jolly well quit and join him there. Bum for half a year then start doing some tuition too. You dun really earn as much as spore. Maybe around 1.5-2k RM but hey the cost of living in a small town is pretty low. Could be as low as 500RM depending on how frugal one is. Not a bad idea. Earn and save up for 3 years, change to RM then bring back there to bum and spend and teach some tuition. Wont make it as a rich or famous person but live a simple, not-so-hectic-life. Each day a few hours, rest of the day is yours, drive a small car around town, bum, time to do things you like, sleep until late late. Hmm sounds good. Maybe the half year bumming, I can finally go visit Japan during the cherry blossom period! Wont ever have a chance unless they bloom in June or December.
Its not a rational plan but an idea I am toying with to help ease the pain that I am in. Its a nice daydream to think about what I am going to do then when I am free. Its also nice whenever I look at the blue blue sky and remember the seabreeze in Redang, sitting on top of that cafe with a ice-cold Vodka Strobe and staring out at the crystal blue sea. *Signs*
Well term has started and I have been 'promoted' to the rank of BT, and am starting as a FT with my own class. I am armed without a float and cast into the sea with tsunami waves in-coming. That sums up the situation very nicely.
I am still struggling with the delivery in class part, unfamilarity with the place, things, syllabus and more, coupled with syallabus to cover, wb to finish and weekly tasks to do and I have almost nearly DROWNED on several occasions. And on top of that. I have to shout fiercely at the class at least once a day. With 4 heavenly kings to tackle. What a paradise? *sign* Having a sore throat now.
So currently taxi early to work to go mark stuff, mark 2+ hours then go to class. After at least 7 periods, the day ends... I drag myself home. Bathe, eat and maple to destress. Tired but sometimes have difficulty sleeping as the brain is going through mentally the things for the next day, or possible lesson plans and even how to handle the misbehaviours... This happens especially when I didnt get to maple enough like today. Lag until I only played less than 1hour and now I cant get to sleep. Then I tend to wake up bloody early, way ahead of my alarm time. Just today I woke up at 630am even though I set for 8.45am. And the sky was still dark but just dunno why I had to wake up. Must be that stupid rubbish truck... Have to push work out of the brains. I have been going early to work since monday, today also, tom also to clear up marking. If I can finish, I am just going in on time on thur n fri, which are both my heavy days.
My cough is not aiding me at all. The cold in the office, coupled with warm classrooms only serves to make me cough like I have TB. I dun cough so much at home or wat but once in aircon place then out to warm places, the coughing fits starts. Surprisingly the P6 class that I took, a concerned student asked if I was seeing the doctor. Incidentally that is the only class I enjoyed. Taking them for HE and when I told them I played Maple, instant connection, cos almost everyone played. So easy for me, they listen and do my work, extra time I let them talk with their friends or talk maple with them. Sweet *cartman style*
Erm form class so far, do enjoy PE with them... Rest am working on it. Trying to be a better BT. Anyway I got some encouragement today ironically. U see in the earlier part of the day, the lesson went pretty good. After recess, during art, it was horrible! Shouted myself hoarse... Then later maths class went decently. The last part was PE and it went pretty well. During the PE, a collegue saw the smiles on their face and wanted to take photo. So I had to repeat the game and let him do so. So some sort of positive encouragement. Another is later VP told me that he observed my class earlier and found it to be good?!? That most are attentive except for a few. Err luckily he didnt see my art class. *Faint* Well I am trying to improve so I dun cause them to fail or wat. And also so that I wont go crazy soon.
I saw my brother on Maple a week back and then I was kinda stressed and sian. He's teaching tuition in a small town. I kinda envy him and have some work fatique so I commented that if I served finish my 3 year bond, I might jolly well quit and join him there. Bum for half a year then start doing some tuition too. You dun really earn as much as spore. Maybe around 1.5-2k RM but hey the cost of living in a small town is pretty low. Could be as low as 500RM depending on how frugal one is. Not a bad idea. Earn and save up for 3 years, change to RM then bring back there to bum and spend and teach some tuition. Wont make it as a rich or famous person but live a simple, not-so-hectic-life. Each day a few hours, rest of the day is yours, drive a small car around town, bum, time to do things you like, sleep until late late. Hmm sounds good. Maybe the half year bumming, I can finally go visit Japan during the cherry blossom period! Wont ever have a chance unless they bloom in June or December.
Its not a rational plan but an idea I am toying with to help ease the pain that I am in. Its a nice daydream to think about what I am going to do then when I am free. Its also nice whenever I look at the blue blue sky and remember the seabreeze in Redang, sitting on top of that cafe with a ice-cold Vodka Strobe and staring out at the crystal blue sea. *Signs*
Monday, July 03, 2006
Not enough sleep? restlessness?
I dunno about the rest, but recently I am suffering from not enough sleep and some sort of restlessness.
During weekdays, I am trying to sleep before 12am and wake up around 8am or earlier. But failed miserably in the waking up part. Even on weekends, after waking up, the only thing I feel like is to go back to sleep. Guess have to work on it to have a more scheduled life and less stress from the seemingly lack of time and sleep. Maybe will have to designate certain early days, and rest is normal days instead of having to go early everyday.
Restlessness seems to stamp from the 'swimming without float' situation tat I am currently in. And also the exponential increase in workload. No resources means I have to make my own and improvise, no worksheets means I have to make/print my own, no idea of where certain lessons are stopped means I have to ask class and find out and makes planning irritating. Basically it translates to ALOT of work on my own time and expense, way beyond the teaching and marking, way beyond the hours, way alot more effort and time on my part than I am somewhat willing to part with. My sister mentioned that when u are happy in a job, you do what u have to do. But if u dislike it, you will be tired cos u fight with yourself everyday. I am not sure which camp I am in, guess I am in the "watashi wa hataraku no ga kiraidesu" camp. Hopefully things will look up when i schedule certain days as long days and certain days as short days.
Therefore on Saturday, after jap and dinner. Just felt too pent-up and wanted to do 'something' but dunno wat it is. In the end I decided to walk along the Spore river from the Esplanade. Yup we walked a very very long walk with Tab giving me a guided tour about certain attractions in each place. (Refer to Tab's blog) for more details. By the time we reached Orchard, we had chalked up 13500 steps for a whopping 5.3km. Yep I have my padeometer on to measure my activity or inactivity. Keeping an eye on my diet also, though exercise seems lacking... After that walk, I felt better, not so pent-up anymore. See how it goes after next week, maybe more walks around Spore.
Just finished my weekly lp after much procrasination until I cannot take it anymore, hanging at the back of my mind that I finally sat down and got it done up. Most of it is done except for a bit of minor details which I have to quickly fill in by tomorrow. Now I have some materials lacking which I have to get (on my own expense) and WS for tomorrow remedial. Sian, I wanna sleep and laze around. But at least I have done something so far. Left is to go over and quickly get something cheap and can be used for tom. Then have to study for jap test. Due to my session, I am not able to make it for the weekday test times at all. So I have to take it alone on the Saturday and in one sitting, think not enough time for retest since graduation is on that very Sunday. Somehow memory not as good so study earlier while I still can.
Oh also hardly time enough to Maple, about 1-1.5hr. Even less when it gets so laggy or I am too tired to do so. Just want to sleep by then. Sign. Is this the way life goes? Hope not. Hmm how to fit in 'lessons' like guitar or martial arts? Hmm lemme think about it.
I dunno about the rest, but recently I am suffering from not enough sleep and some sort of restlessness.
During weekdays, I am trying to sleep before 12am and wake up around 8am or earlier. But failed miserably in the waking up part. Even on weekends, after waking up, the only thing I feel like is to go back to sleep. Guess have to work on it to have a more scheduled life and less stress from the seemingly lack of time and sleep. Maybe will have to designate certain early days, and rest is normal days instead of having to go early everyday.
Restlessness seems to stamp from the 'swimming without float' situation tat I am currently in. And also the exponential increase in workload. No resources means I have to make my own and improvise, no worksheets means I have to make/print my own, no idea of where certain lessons are stopped means I have to ask class and find out and makes planning irritating. Basically it translates to ALOT of work on my own time and expense, way beyond the teaching and marking, way beyond the hours, way alot more effort and time on my part than I am somewhat willing to part with. My sister mentioned that when u are happy in a job, you do what u have to do. But if u dislike it, you will be tired cos u fight with yourself everyday. I am not sure which camp I am in, guess I am in the "watashi wa hataraku no ga kiraidesu" camp. Hopefully things will look up when i schedule certain days as long days and certain days as short days.
Therefore on Saturday, after jap and dinner. Just felt too pent-up and wanted to do 'something' but dunno wat it is. In the end I decided to walk along the Spore river from the Esplanade. Yup we walked a very very long walk with Tab giving me a guided tour about certain attractions in each place. (Refer to Tab's blog) for more details. By the time we reached Orchard, we had chalked up 13500 steps for a whopping 5.3km. Yep I have my padeometer on to measure my activity or inactivity. Keeping an eye on my diet also, though exercise seems lacking... After that walk, I felt better, not so pent-up anymore. See how it goes after next week, maybe more walks around Spore.
Just finished my weekly lp after much procrasination until I cannot take it anymore, hanging at the back of my mind that I finally sat down and got it done up. Most of it is done except for a bit of minor details which I have to quickly fill in by tomorrow. Now I have some materials lacking which I have to get (on my own expense) and WS for tomorrow remedial. Sian, I wanna sleep and laze around. But at least I have done something so far. Left is to go over and quickly get something cheap and can be used for tom. Then have to study for jap test. Due to my session, I am not able to make it for the weekday test times at all. So I have to take it alone on the Saturday and in one sitting, think not enough time for retest since graduation is on that very Sunday. Somehow memory not as good so study earlier while I still can.
Oh also hardly time enough to Maple, about 1-1.5hr. Even less when it gets so laggy or I am too tired to do so. Just want to sleep by then. Sign. Is this the way life goes? Hope not. Hmm how to fit in 'lessons' like guitar or martial arts? Hmm lemme think about it.
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