My Spirit is Free but tired...

Yesterday after another 2 cotinuous sessions, which an event took up all my marking time, I dragged my sorry and tired ass out of the office. Cos I dun see others staying back, I decided no use dabaoing, cos I will just chuck it one side anyway.

Whilst walking out, I was kinda sian that one day is just gone like tat without marking done. Already I used as much of my free time to clear liao but it just seems endless. Cos SA1 is round the corner, its not being useful to hold onto their work. Should try to clear it to return them. Its like the mind is strong but the body is weak... Was too sick last week to mark much. This week still recuperating... and Monday marked 4hrs, Tue got remedial then go see sinseh, Wed got meeting then practice until 5pm. Signz... So all my free periods including lunch is used to clear.

I was kinda stoned around 5.15pm while walking out. Was contemplating if I wanted to take a cab or bus home? Whether I should go out? Whether I should go home to rest instead? Wanted to eat at Soupspoon, wanted to drink Yuan Yang (coffee mix tea), wanted to sleep.... Wanted to just go home... Then I remembered that my Spirit is free, if I let it be. I decided to head downtown, to add a bit more colour to my otherwise dull day.

I did micro-rest on the bus and stopped at The Cathy. There is this HK food selling Yuan Yang there. Last time, I tried it with Tab and liked it alot. Decided whilst on the bus, to check if there are others in town. If yes, meet dinner, if no, then dabao some yuan yang and food to treat family. When I got down from the bus, I noticed the sky wasnt dark. It was a nice day infact. There werent many pple around cos its only 6pm in town. The weather was sunny and warm enough for me to peel off the jacket I've been wearing once I board a bus, at workplace. Its warm and nice. I walked across THAT traffic junction where Tab and I nearly met our Maker together

- We had been talking. Then heard the green man sound and decided to cross, assuming that it was our junction that was green, about 3 steps later, then Tab heard car sounds and horning, then we looked. Argh its red and cars are coming our way. Tab hurriedly pull me and herself back to the pavement. Then we burst out laughing. Walao 2 Educators with such eager death wish. Shared a room, in the same line, then go meet Maker together.... (such good friends)

To cut the long story short, I went to buy a BIG yuan yang and their hotdog. As I was kinda hungry, havent eaten much save for a bowl of porridge for brunch at 8.30qm until 6pm, I thoroughly enjoyed eating that piping hot dog, adding mustard, ketchup and mayo on it. The drink is still nice except I couldnt taste the taste very well due to blocked nose. Still its a welcome break. The basement of The Cathy is still kinda low-traffic, so its a nice place to hang. Its also WI-FI enabled. Means can surf for free if u got the right equipment. Then Tab msged.

I walked to meet her and we walked to a Jap restaurant near Raffles Place. It was freezing cold. I had to put on my jacket and she took a pic of me, with the jacket zipped up to cover my mouth like a ninja-type. That aircon vent was blasting me... bubu. Had to change seats with her. Then ordered Ramen. Usually I am not a Ramen person but given the option of cold sushi vs Ramen, I'll choose the latter. Later Krynnder joined us. Interestingly all of us had noodles. Tab had soba and both of us had ramen. They tried to psycho me to join them in their Exotic dance but seriously I be lucky if I dun bump into the wall after work. Not to mention, expect many cameras to be flashing, taping IF I joined. Krynnder interjected to remind me, those will be without flash and sounds :P

Went home on a bus, rested and reached home near 8.30pm. Went online for a while, and watched Planet Earth at 10pm - 11pm. Decided to sleep earlier. Went to bed.

Woke up tired 6am. Didnt feel good. Went to work. Got relief for my own class, an hr more to do work. Marked, didnt eat brunch though bought, marked and scold for corrections, taught, scolded. By the time the day ended, I was seriously tired. Just wish it can all stop... Brought 2 stacks home, cos I cant mark much in my current state. Hopped on a cab home and reached home near 2.30pm. Ate my brunch, bathed, rubbed oilment on my stomache, blog and later have a nap bah. Feel a bit better. Will endeavour to finish those two. No point hanging to them. Will then have to clear on Sat. My short day today is ..... longer and even more tiring than my heavy day. Tom another long day... Signz.

My Spirit is free but its kinda tired. How to recharge the spirit?

Have to change your perspective and dont think too much.... just do it

Man, what I wouldnt give to do what my maple character is doing... fishing while reclining on a chair, under a shady tree, in a lazy afternoon. Sign.....

Well my health hasnt been good recently. After braving through some very emotional and tough weeks, my body couldnt take it and I feel quite ill on thurs. Didnt go on mc, cos it would mean even more backlog. So I braved through the day. End of it, went home to rest. Sat also kinda sick, so after jap, and eating soup, went home. Sunday still recuperating. Monday started and back to the backlog. I spent 4hrs just clearing one stack. Dabao 2 stacks, one quite overdue liao. Reached home near 6plus, too tired, feel asleep watching tv until 11.30pm. Woke up, went back to sleep and set alarm to 4am. 4am, I woke up to clear that very overdue stack. Took me until 6pm, my usual waking to finished it. Thank God! Then did the usual of getting ready for another day. Feeling kinda light-headed... Got through the heaviest day of the week and went off around 3.40pm to see the Chinese doctor. Reached home near 5.30pm, ate and talked with mom.

My mom has been advising me to 'change my perspective' and 'adjust' so that I wont make myself so sick, so that I can be happier and dun think or give myself too much pressure. Even the Chinese doctor says 'not to think about it', just treat the remaining duration of the bond as 'being a maid for 2+ years' then they can go back to their country. He told me the time will pass very quickly. Soon I cant remember how its like. His daughter is doing some school-based tuition (think is Medaki, CDAC) type of teaching and after a month is already in tears. So many I can pat myself on the back on lasting 10mths on full load, 9mths on contract load, 9mths of intense NIE and 3mths of mentally-gruelling practicum for a grand total of 2yrs 7mths. Hell.... adding the 10.5mths of banking experience, its already 3yrs 5.5mths. Wow tats alot.

I am trying to change. Sometimes when I think too much and cant sleep, I still resort to the downing of the Shandy. I try to clear the backlog at work, still working on it. I try to make myself happier, ie hop into the comic shop instead of walking past, go out for a stroll when things get too much. Telling myself not to think abt things and just do it. Numb myself to certain parts, so as not to hurt myself, hurt my health.

On monday while I look at the clouds whilst walking into the workplace, it was a beautiful sight to behold. There was no clouds but an entire clear sky, slowly brightening into day, with orange swirls blended into shades of light blue. Some thoughts came to mind,

"The world is so beautiful and wide.
There are so many sights I have yet to behold,
but why is my world so small and dark?

The sky is bathed in gloriously splendid colours,
but why is my view dull and grey?

The infinite possibilities that are there for others,
but why are mine so limited?

People around walk forward, bursting with vigor and energy,
but why do I drag my tired husk along?"

Its kinda sad even typing these lines out, but these thoughts did fleet through. I reminded myself that although my BODY was chained, but my SPIRIT is free. The husk that is my body is kept in a small and dark world, with limited view and possibilities but my Spirit is free to move beyond these bounds. IF I let it go...

I will try. It may take some time to completely learn to regain the freedom of the spirit and learn to be free again. I shall try my best to not think about the bounds but at the world beyond. It involve some changes in perspective. I am trying.

Whilst trying to adjust, not worry and living one day at a time, a few weeks have passed. Its almost mid-week now. Think this should be the way to go. But I am still not giving up on my hope, which helps me pass the week with things to look forward to. I like to thank my family, friends and those who truely care about my well-being and tying in their way to help me. I am grateful as these are the things that gives me the strength and energy to brave on.

Never strike anything good, bad things come my way, maybe I'll get struck by lightning instead

Yar so far nothing has come out from my Totoing and 4Ding and even Big Sweeping ways. A miss is as far as a mile. Anyway yar good things just dun come my way, call it my negative way of thinking... Lemme show u some examples and TRY to put it in a positive outlook, judge for yourself...

Eg 1- House master fell ill so newly appointed, very greenhorn asst house master, moi, has to take over everything... Brand new, dun know how things go.. just whack.

Positive thinking: Yay, a chance to SHINE. Now is my chance to showcase my managing skills and do a good job. This will let mgt notice me performing (tricks) *beat chest, shake tress and making monkey noise*...

Yar u decide. Already very busy from cca and courses, still got additional shit, until kena huge backlog of marking... who really notices? At most I write into epms lor.

Eg 2- Kena arrow for some course then got to do lesson plan plus conduct a actual lesson plus get it filmed. Supposed to be team effort. Have lucky draw,kena to be filmed. In the end, all couldnt make it, only one helped to discuss, who did the lesson plan, the ppt, the preparation and printing of resource and conducted the lesson for filming? Moi...

Positive thinking: Yay, a chance to get noticed. Mgt will notice me doing the work. If I do a good job, will propel me in my job. Become a better educator...

Yar I can do WITHOUT any extra crap... why keep on getting it. I already very pock-marked from the amt of work shot at. Uber sian.

Yar tomorrow whole day will be taken up by that course again. No time for rest or marking... Do I have to go back on Sat again?!?! Its killing me... Its not that my time mgt is poor. Its all these things after school that takes up so much time, either 2-4hrs that there is no time inbetween to mark at all. How can I clear? Duh? Stupid service. Why is there so much of such stuff/programmes that either is supposed to make us better educators, but takes so much time and energy that strings are cut elsewhere. And academic suffers? Losing the point... Dunno abt this weird and incomprehensible cycle of thing happening... Am getting too tired to care or struggle.

Trying very hard to pass 1 day at a time... Not to think so much, so that 2yrs 2mths will pass quickly. BUT its kinda hard. Cos everyday is so long, so its like DU RI RU NIAN (each day is like a year). Only consolation, this week I have been putting off starting cca, running off earlier. Though on monday I seriously did 6hrs of admin stuff at home, tues, i ran off around 4pm, today ran off near 3.30pm for medical appointment. Tom cant run, sure 5.30pm one. I tried to get more rest. Reach home, so tired that I just concuss and wont wake up til near 11pm. Then wake up a bit, and go back to sleep near 12am. Next day, wake up tired still... What is this?

Friday is a dilemna, whether to stay to clear or run off to enjoy and go back sat, or clear on fri and sat. The TGIF is very strong on fridays... The Mt Marking is still very high. I have yet to ascend to the halfway mark.

Well tomorrow is another round of TOTO. See if the reclusive lady luck would smile benevolently upon this soul. Going beyond the hundred millionth chance and winning redemption OR the bloody stockmarket to start crashing like Black Friday... so that I can go in, instead of shooting up like now.... So after half to one year, I can kiss this all goodbye...

Tagged by Tab to write about the 6 weirdest things abt me

Hmm wondered did I do a similar tag last time...

Weird Fact 1: I must sleep in COMPLETE darkness without a single sound. Even the ticking of the clock on the wall can keep me awake. The slightest sound will keep me awake, common examples - crazy man shouting in the street in the middle of the night, noisy tv in living room, sounds of the bus/lorry driving nosily past, cats mating and meowling their heads off... You get the picture?

To solve the getting to sleep part, I closed the windows, shut the curtains, close the door and put a pillow over my head to cover my eyes and also cover both ears while I sleep. Just so to keep the noises out and lemme go into dreamland. Weird right?

Weird Fact 2: I must cover myself with a blanket to sleep. Without it, I would wake up shivering cold, even if the windows and doors were entirely shut. Its a thing to keep my chest warm so I wont cough. So over the years, NO matter how hot or cold, a blanket is a MUST. It must cover my body from chest to feet. Nevermind if I kick it away, I would wake up shivering to re-cover myself again with it.

Sometimes I wondered if I am even warm-blooded. Why the freaking hell do I wake up shivering when I am in a hot and stuffy room without air circulation as Tab always complained... Yar weird, how should I know?

Weird Fact 3: I wear my jacket once I leave for work. Everything is too cold, be it the taxi, bus and even mrt. Workplace air con also makes me cold and start coughing. Hence I wear a jacket once there is air con.

Weird Fact 4: Can do alot of things, even purchase embarassing stuff with a straight face. Its a useful skill that I use to help my sisters purchase some embarassing items. So if my friends want stuff like condoms, dildos and are too shy to buy, I can buy it on ur behalf. No sweat.

Weird Fact 5: Tea is my staple water supply. Can drink tea instead of water all day. Only recently reduced as I'm eating Chinese medicine. Otherwise its just pure, unsugared chinese tea eg Xiang pian, Tie guan ying for me.

Weird Fact 6: Music calms the salvage beast. Alot of bottled anger that is relieved via Rock/Modern Rock/Heavy Rock even Metal songs. Artist like Linkim Park, Breaking Benjamin and even most recently bought a Marilyn Manson Cd. Somehow his songs start to sound good. The level of anger simmering under the surface seems to be increasing...

K, these are real facts about me. Some my close friends know, some are what I reveal for the first time esp no.1 and 6.

Some recent thoughts...

Today is a rare day indeed.

Its the first day of the week of a new month.

A day where like usual, I woke up wishing fervently that I could go back to sleep.

A day where I finally havent have to stay back for either after-work things/cca/marking. Not that I dun have work to mark. But seriously I was not up to it. Knowing myself, at such times, I cant work fast or efficiently. Best thing to do during such times is to get away and rest, then continue later. Which was what I did. Dabaoed some really outstanding work and went off at an ungodly early time of 1.35pm. A first.

Though the travel journey took an hr still, I reached home near 3pm, after making a short detour to buy food and top up my weekly 4D and Toto. After eating near 4pm, had a nap until 6pm.

Woke up and bathed. Near 7 plus, went out to nearby 7-11 to get some stickers. Supply running out. Then remembered that my supply of Jolly Shandy is running low. Left with 5 cans out of 2 dozen. Time to restock. There was no shop selling it, hence I hopped onto a bus to a nearby NTUC at Central. On the way, I went to the bookshop to stock up on some stationaries and buy some Assessment books to help with my teaching. Of course no reimbursements. Part of building up resources... Then I bought another 2 dozen cans of Shandy and took a bus home.

During my journey home from work and the subsequent trip to Central, I was doing some thinking and reflecting...

On the issue of the bond:
It is still not as bearable. I can live with it grudgingly. Am willing to put aside some money for 4D and Toto to "buy a hope" to end it prematurely.

On the issue of investment:
Investing to generate another source of income is also a major priority. Given IF I want to end this employment asap (only if I strike?), there would be no income source. If I do tuition or others, a drop in income is expected. Cant live on air alone. Finding other sources of income is important.

On the issue of the work itself
I will still continue to put more efforts into work for the Class than work for the School. Will try to prioritise, not proscrastinate too much esp when I do work at home, and gain more skills in Diplomacy and Taiji and Mask-wearing to make working with collegues, supervisors and bosses easier? Maybe put my strategizing and observation skills to work to "manage the work n the pple". One thing I have yet to accept is the Work politics as well as mask-wearing. So I dun put these skills to use in work. Try to show the real me. But this has backfired and suffered recent setbacks that partly explains my unmotivated, I-want-to-quit thing.

On the issue of happiness in work/ work-life balance..
My mom woke up early this morning while I was preparing my milo drink. She followed me out and waited and watched, as I waited for the taxi. She said to me "Cheer up and smile more," while we were waiting for the lift. My reply to her was "I would only smile if it was the last day of my bond/work..." Her next response was "Then that means you would never smile or be happy." I could only sign in reply.

The small happiness of family care and concern helps to pass this difficult period of time. I am grateful to my family and friends who truely care unconditionally. I try to return the care. Its a source of strength when I was faltering and lost.

On my way home from NTUC, I really searched my memory for the times when I was truely happy while working and the reasons. I can say there were some times but not as much.

(1) The first 2months of HSBC - Its the first job. Start earning on my own. Nice view from the Shenton way branch. Nice pple except for a bitch. 2nd mth transferred to near Plaza Sing branch. Nice temp friends to talk and suffer with, nice cheap food for lunch, nice cheerful pple except some bitches.

Then things go downwards due to the unhappiness generated from those bitches, low pay issue and low savings, repetitive and limited job scope, stress of finding permanent employment, tiredness.

(2) First 2mths of Shittybank - Again glad to have found employment and income, can gain experience, high expectations due to the strong promise of potential give its brandname, had a room with nice view to myself initially, somewhat nice colleuges within the small unit, a nice collegue who left near March.

Then things go downwards due to lonliness from big age gap and hugely differing interests, not on same frequency as these mid-30s,40s collegues, longer and longer hrs of free OT, confined to having no workspace of my own, doing immigrant daily, mundane data entry and eye-balling, stress of permanent employment, urgency to earn as much as I could, tiredness of doing both work and tuition on 2-3weekdays and on Sundays.

(3) First 1 week of the next ****Bank - source of income, clear bond time, a different workplace, expectations to do something different, interesting officer who smokes cigars, uses a used Absolute Vodka bottle as water bottle, who games and he shared some interesting stories and facts with me, and some temp friends whom are of similar age/interests and we share the same concerns, the CoffeBean half price offers where we spent our hard-earned money without regret.

Then things go downwards due to the way we were treated, somewhat no workspace, not much interaction with the rest as the unit was huge, near 50+ pple, no one was bothered to get to know us, limited work, low pay, tiredness, better job prospect pressures.

(4) Time when I taught tuition - Hourly pay was much better, gratifying to see improvments, able to help inpart exam skills, smart guessing techniques I used myself, see that interest in the subject is generated and fears managed. That particular pupil I took for 1.5yrs. A good and nice kid except for laziness according to mom.

The reason why I stopped was partly the fatique from travelling 1hr to-and-fro after work immediately to do home tuition. Dinner was a bao/currypuff munched on the way. The health thing was getting to me. I felt real exhausted daily. Didnt feel so good on some days but still had to turn up.

(5) 1 term with my first mentor, M and maybe next 3mths after that - main reason being M was very nice to me. He guided me by letting me sit in many a times in his class, answering very truthfully whenever I asked him something, be it work-wise, lesson-wise. A very forthcoming and cheerful person who also take pains to help me fit in, address my concerns, introd collegues and his group of friends. Still very grateful to him. It was what led me to consider taking up teaching. The 2nd mentor was a lady who seemed quite fierce intially but surprisingly we worked well together. I helped to clear her marking load and she does make some comments to me about some of the politics/things happening. Many new things still, many firsts in being MC, excursion, cca, sch projects, can go back near 2-3pm, got time to go gym, pure teaching load, no admin load yet.

Then things go downwards due to the repetive nature of things. It seems after about half a year, there is nothing new, beside getting more and more work. After being in the place and understanding the culture, the inital bright picture turns darker. The autocracy, hidden undercurrent of tensions, the khakis grouping, the age gap, interest gaps, mentality gaps, clammering for climbing the ladder. It is not as easy to ignore as one is drawn involuntarily into this current and soon is following in the ways... The lone nail that is standing out, is soon hammered in with the rest.

(6) NIE 9mths less practicum - marked a stop of working, something new to look forward to, looking forward to being a better educator, expected more free time, started Mapling, refreshing to stay in hostel again.

Downs - Choosing 2 specialization meant I had more lessons, hence issue of tiredness persist, some modules plain useless, unrealistic, too much work for too few marks, climbing up and down many floors in hostel and in campus to aggravated my knee problem.

(7) 3mths of current workplace - There are nice collegues who try to get to know me, make jokes at my expense, try to help me fit in, offer help, the hours were shorter, good buddy who helped with the admin and orientating

Things went downhill exponentially this year, due to the much earlier waking hours, much longer working hours, working with different pple, dun see the nice collegues, few with similar interests or cocerns or frequency, huge increase in responsibilities and complexity of the adminstrative part tat is mind-boggling, time consuming, backlog marking from tensions between Class vs Sch/CCA, setbacks in work, constant fatique and ill-health from lack of exercise, stress and unhappiness plus aircon.

Looking at these, its not difficult to see a pattern.

First I do enjoy learning and doing new things, so long as its not really MORE work. Like to have many Firsts. Yet when things turn to routine and becomes repetitive, it becomes unchallenging and boring.

Second, it is really important to have cheerful and nice collegues who care. While I dun expect pple to nice to me intially if i dun take the first step. It helps to have them around to make the grind easier to bear. Especially when I dun have a cheerful dispoisition to begin with and tend to be more serious and pessismistic.

Thirdly, health is really an issue. When my health goes, cough until i feel so sick but still have to continue. Its not worthwhile to work so hard only to fall sick and spend hard-earned money on recovering health. Health = Wealth. Yet according to the Chinese sinseh I am seeing, some of my work is causing my health to give way. Eg getting angry, means my temper goes up n down, will cause heatiness that is giving rise to my cough. Next sensitve stomach and not frequent eating hrs meant my stomach suffers. So at this rate, to recover health, need less taxing job. More fixed hrs, decent full 1hr lunch helps.

Lastly is the Stress from severe lack of time. This ties partly with the inital stress of permanent employment and income level. In the early stages of work, I was concern with finding employement to serve the bond asap and earn a decent amt to support myself. Extra time was used to earn more money (tuition). Then it moved to a different lvl, when with contract, there was still enough of personal time to pursue what I liked and have enough rest. Hence happier then during contract. Now as a BT (beginning teacher) esp this year, I find I have NO time to do things at all esp during weekdays. Its almost pure work plus 2hrs of travelling daily. Fatique builds up and my unhappiness builds up.

After working for abt 40mths (10+9+12+9), I have saved some money and have cleared 1 bond (NUS). There is still 1 more to go. Money = Time. I never really understood it until now. If I want to save travelling time n fatique, I travelled by taxi to work and it costs me $8.70 per 15-20min ride. If I want to save money, I travelled by public transport home, paying $2.50 for 1hr 10mins. In a single day, I spend $12 and 1.5hrs on transport. Its a struggle. Some pple okay with it, maybe cos they dun have a strong need for personal time like I do.

The monetary pressures have eased from intial days of working but the stress from the work has increased exponentially, coupled with the strong need for own free and personal time. Unhappiness arise when personal time is taken up by work, especially dabaoing work home and doing work on Sundays. Yet not enough time to finish on weekdays after putting in so many hours. Its pulling me apart to reconcile this. (todays dabaoed work is not done again, and its almost 12am liaao) Its tearing me apart to reconcile this struggle.

With so many internal struggles, its surprising I am still holding up. Cracking at the seams, burning at both ends and fighting daily battles when I wake up. Trying to numb or distract myself. Using music, comics, maplestory, going out next door to walk, alcohol (shandy n weekends), weekend going out, and even not to think about it. But its still a great internal struggle daily.

Signz... its already 12am, I have to go though there's still many thoughts.