Man, what I wouldnt give to do what my maple character is doing... fishing while reclining on a chair, under a shady tree, in a lazy afternoon. Sign.....
Well my health hasnt been good recently. After braving through some very emotional and tough weeks, my body couldnt take it and I feel quite ill on thurs. Didnt go on mc, cos it would mean even more backlog. So I braved through the day. End of it, went home to rest. Sat also kinda sick, so after jap, and eating soup, went home. Sunday still recuperating. Monday started and back to the backlog. I spent 4hrs just clearing one stack. Dabao 2 stacks, one quite overdue liao. Reached home near 6plus, too tired, feel asleep watching tv until 11.30pm. Woke up, went back to sleep and set alarm to 4am. 4am, I woke up to clear that very overdue stack. Took me until 6pm, my usual waking to finished it. Thank God! Then did the usual of getting ready for another day. Feeling kinda light-headed... Got through the heaviest day of the week and went off around 3.40pm to see the Chinese doctor. Reached home near 5.30pm, ate and talked with mom.
My mom has been advising me to 'change my perspective' and 'adjust' so that I wont make myself so sick, so that I can be happier and dun think or give myself too much pressure. Even the Chinese doctor says 'not to think about it', just treat the remaining duration of the bond as 'being a maid for 2+ years' then they can go back to their country. He told me the time will pass very quickly. Soon I cant remember how its like. His daughter is doing some school-based tuition (think is Medaki, CDAC) type of teaching and after a month is already in tears. So many I can pat myself on the back on lasting 10mths on full load, 9mths on contract load, 9mths of intense NIE and 3mths of mentally-gruelling practicum for a grand total of 2yrs 7mths. Hell.... adding the 10.5mths of banking experience, its already 3yrs 5.5mths. Wow tats alot.
I am trying to change. Sometimes when I think too much and cant sleep, I still resort to the downing of the Shandy. I try to clear the backlog at work, still working on it. I try to make myself happier, ie hop into the comic shop instead of walking past, go out for a stroll when things get too much. Telling myself not to think abt things and just do it. Numb myself to certain parts, so as not to hurt myself, hurt my health.
On monday while I look at the clouds whilst walking into the workplace, it was a beautiful sight to behold. There was no clouds but an entire clear sky, slowly brightening into day, with orange swirls blended into shades of light blue. Some thoughts came to mind,
"The world is so beautiful and wide.
There are so many sights I have yet to behold,
but why is my world so small and dark?
The sky is bathed in gloriously splendid colours,
but why is my view dull and grey?
The infinite possibilities that are there for others,
but why are mine so limited?
People around walk forward, bursting with vigor and energy,
but why do I drag my tired husk along?"
Its kinda sad even typing these lines out, but these thoughts did fleet through. I reminded myself that although my BODY was chained, but my SPIRIT is free. The husk that is my body is kept in a small and dark world, with limited view and possibilities but my Spirit is free to move beyond these bounds. IF I let it go...
I will try. It may take some time to completely learn to regain the freedom of the spirit and learn to be free again. I shall try my best to not think about the bounds but at the world beyond. It involve some changes in perspective. I am trying.
Whilst trying to adjust, not worry and living one day at a time, a few weeks have passed. Its almost mid-week now. Think this should be the way to go. But I am still not giving up on my hope, which helps me pass the week with things to look forward to. I like to thank my family, friends and those who truely care about my well-being and tying in their way to help me. I am grateful as these are the things that gives me the strength and energy to brave on.
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