February is almost at its end. Notable things I did, included painting with Tab and the house-warming at Quet's place. Mostly was the resumption of KM just after CNY so I have been going intensively, up to 4 times a week as I had asked for a bit of extension for my package which had 77 lessons but unused since Sept.
This period of time, more so towards the end of Jan to Feb, as more of the important rituals, dates and events passed, I have a bit of time gradually to look at myself, feel like myself, and be like myself. It seems weird to think that actually 4 months have passed by and only in the last month, you feel like yourself and feel like you have some time to do something? Isnt it absurd given you technically had 4 months of glorious free time to do anything you want?
All this time, at the back of my mind is the worry about the job aspect. The uncertainty of not having one, no stable income, no direction for career, not being a 'responsible' adult working a full-time job, nagging sense of worry about my age and the whole job issue. It is too complex to explain. A whole sea of voices of worries and fears when I 'tune in'.
Well-meaning friends, colleaguess have offered some advice on what to do - go back to local sch, try out MOlE, do relief... What they dont understand is that there are a few reasons (*some would say excuses) why I havent started on anything on the job front. Partly is I am not ready... there are other things on my mind besides that.
1) I hope to get the Msian things sorted through and on track first. Currently letting things finish up with the SG lawyer before going to the Msian one. Anyone who has dealt with estate issues would be familiar with the timing of the process. It will take some time, and yet nothing else on the messy Malaysian side is initiated... How is my mom to cope alone doing this, like go with her to meet with the Msian lawyer etc and discuss the Malaysian assets and issues when she is not fully aware of the whole picture? I am the one with the picture and details. I know that I also cant be indefinitely out-of-work but this is a big worry I have and I would feel more assured when things are more on-track, just like how the sg things have progressed.
2) There is also the 'keeping an eye' on Mom. Worried and dont want her to be duped by those who might approach, knowing that my Dad had passed on. The bad might immediately think of targeting her share given she is an elderly and not exactly very financially-savvy. Though I might not be exactly productive at home, but I have spent time sorting through the bills, accounts to help ensure the household is running okay without disruption. In terms of household expenses, help her set up Giro for her insurance policies, and also try to settle my Dad's stuff. All these took time and mostly are done and settled by now. As things are slowly being more settled, less worries for her and also normal life can resume. I know eventually I have to be working unless I strike some super lottery prize *pretty-please* Yet for this period of time when suddenly there is no one else at home except her, I want to be around. Though I am not a person she talks very deeply or confides in, I handle the finances and accounts matters and my youngest sister is the one whom cheers her up by acting cute. But at least one more pair of eyes and brains. Can give her the confidence and assurance that I am around, and can handle or discuss things if something crops up. I was contemplating something part-time also to meet this but for now I havent started looking around.
3) How to get a perm job with two more trips upcoming very quickly in early mid-March is the important and early 'first year' of sweeping the grave with a stay back in Muar and at the start of April is the 12-days trip to Taiwan with Mom, sis and her husband? I guess I myself am looking forward to finally having a chance to really just have a breather from everything. Reading through my last post in August, where I had my first and final solo trip to Bangkok, it felt like several lifetimes away. So far the trips in and out of msia mostly have a family errand aspect. A lot of things still on my mind. I myself havent had the time and also the mood to sort myself out. Sort through all the complex emotions, sort myself about the job, my own thoughts, ideas, fears, issues with the career. Sort through my own plans for my life. Everything is put aside to focus on settling things in the family. Even now, as I am slowly resuming just the KM component and also my own share-trading component, trying to lose the 10kg I gained during this period and get my health back - I dare say, I havent given anything else any deeper thought. I know I should but I myself am not ready, mentally and physically.
On hand, I still have a couple of things to do, that will become more when the SG lawyer finally gets the grant. Then that would entail several trips to banks, stock brokerages, CDP to transfer funds and stuff. I would have to accompany my Mom. Hence I gave myself until after the trip in mid-April to start the search. Now that March is almost upon us, I really hope that the Msian side can have some slight start and progress by then.
The question I keep asking myself repeatedly, was if I could have done what I had to do - all the decluttering, funeral and rites things, bank accounts stuff and etc with a full-time job? aka doing what I did from Sept to Oct... I dont know but personally I felt I couldnt. Something might have snapped if I had to do that from Sept to Feb. By Oct, I was drained, worried and exhausted with all the things then and it was not even the full extent of things and events to come. Add in the unhappiness and strain of work issues. Some might say I was taking the 'easy' way out. But I want to reply that 'You dont know cos it didnt happen to you'. Wait until you are in my shoes before judging me. Granted, if I had more help, that I am not the sole person being relied upon to do these, maybe I could handle these with a full-time job but it is what it is. Poor health, lacking capability and responsibility and also trust, meant I had to. It was entrusted to me, so I will see it through despite how it costs my job stability. If I have the chance to go back, I think I will choose the same thing.
At the same time, it did grant me some breathing space. Away from the strain at work and all the upheaval and stress. I had a chance to think through and decided I wont re-contract. Granted I had that idea in my mind and again went about setting up my safety account for dry months before this. The event hastened the date of no income. At least I was prepared then financially. A thrifty life-style for now but I will have to find stable income eventually. Or if I can mould trading and investing to a full-time thing... All these requires some time, some thinking and sorting through, work and effort. Have to really keep praying that things will turn out fine and smoothly... Also remember to do good and kind deeds, treasure family, appreciate friends, be a better person, smile more and be happy, be grateful.
I read somewhere about this simple idea about happiness. It is not something that you achieve or receive. You get it by 'being'. Profound and yet so hard to do. You choose to 'be happy', not something or someone makes you happy. Ask anyone and and this is no easy task, to be the one who is happy. There were times when a sense of simple happiness and contentment came upon me.
Once at night when I came back from KM and had my simple dinner which was kept for me whilst my Mom and sister slept. I ate contentedly though it was really very simple and plain dishes. Washed up and felt kinda of at peace.
Like now, though my body alarm clock has been broken and I should adjust it to normal gradually, by sleeping earlier and waking earlier, sometimes I feel contented that I dont have to worry about waking up late. I can read into the morning if I choose to. But that would affect the next day cos I would wake up later.
So at times remember to be grateful for what you have, not worry about what you dont have. I know the realism of the world, about realistic things like bills and nothing is free. There has to be a sort of balance or else I might be caught up in the grind and become so lost in the realities of this reality.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Thursday, February 25, 2016
The concept of Dividend Cover ( D / EPS ) & Dividend Yield ( D / Share Price )
1) Dividend Yield = Total dividends in a year per share / Price of one share currently or bought in
This is a good figure to work out how much dividends you are earning for the amount you want to invest or have invested.
ex CapLand share price is $2.87 the dividends is $90 per 1000 lot share annually
Yield = $90 / $2870 = 3.135% , already better than the bank.
*For illustrative purpose only. This is not meant to be a recommendation and the author will not be held responsible for any losses incurred in those buying CapLand after reading this*
This figure is commonly already calculated as one of the ratios and is easily available. Look out for Yield % as one of the criteria to decide which is a good stock to buy for dividends. Some counters dont offer much dividends and are for capital appreciation only. Some counters are more for dividends, their share prices are not moving much, fluctuates around a small band. Some are a mix, they have decent dividends and have a wider band that allows for capital appreciation. You have to decided on your own list of criteria to narrow your basket of stock counters to follow. Also since yield depends on the share price, so looking out for a quality company with high enough dividends and wait for its price to be lowered before going in.
2) Dividend Cover = Dividend per share / Earnings Per Share (EPS)
same example of CapLand
dividend is $90 per 1000 share Earnings per share $$0.25
dividend per share = $90 / 1000 = $0.09
Dividend Cover = $0.09 / $0.25 = 36%
*For illustrative purpose only. This is not meant to be a recommendation and the author will not be held responsible for any losses incurred in those buying CapLand after reading this*
This is an indicator to see how much of the earnings are being paid out as dividends. Too high, 100% meant the company's dividends are not sustainable. Whilst REITs and Trusts do pay out a high portion, 80% and above, you have to judge whether the company is overpaying dividends. If the dividend policy is unsustainable, the future dividends might be cut in the future. You have to look at this figure, on top of other criteria ex yield, earnings, and so on to help decide and choose better counters from the list of dividend bearing stocks and REITs. Not all of them pay as well. So these are good extra indicators to make better decisions.
I have been reading through some trading books. A common point is that most investors wannabes think it is easy and want to make a fast buck without having to do much. The truth is always that it is not as easy as it seems to make money consistently off the stock market. There is a lot of work to be done and it is a whole learning process. Those who want to do little and earn something would most likely end up losing and their money losses would become someone else's gains. So this part needs a rethink on the part of the investor. So which one are you?
This is a good figure to work out how much dividends you are earning for the amount you want to invest or have invested.
ex CapLand share price is $2.87 the dividends is $90 per 1000 lot share annually
Yield = $90 / $2870 = 3.135% , already better than the bank.
*For illustrative purpose only. This is not meant to be a recommendation and the author will not be held responsible for any losses incurred in those buying CapLand after reading this*
This figure is commonly already calculated as one of the ratios and is easily available. Look out for Yield % as one of the criteria to decide which is a good stock to buy for dividends. Some counters dont offer much dividends and are for capital appreciation only. Some counters are more for dividends, their share prices are not moving much, fluctuates around a small band. Some are a mix, they have decent dividends and have a wider band that allows for capital appreciation. You have to decided on your own list of criteria to narrow your basket of stock counters to follow. Also since yield depends on the share price, so looking out for a quality company with high enough dividends and wait for its price to be lowered before going in.
2) Dividend Cover = Dividend per share / Earnings Per Share (EPS)
same example of CapLand
dividend is $90 per 1000 share Earnings per share $$0.25
dividend per share = $90 / 1000 = $0.09
Dividend Cover = $0.09 / $0.25 = 36%
*For illustrative purpose only. This is not meant to be a recommendation and the author will not be held responsible for any losses incurred in those buying CapLand after reading this*
This is an indicator to see how much of the earnings are being paid out as dividends. Too high, 100% meant the company's dividends are not sustainable. Whilst REITs and Trusts do pay out a high portion, 80% and above, you have to judge whether the company is overpaying dividends. If the dividend policy is unsustainable, the future dividends might be cut in the future. You have to look at this figure, on top of other criteria ex yield, earnings, and so on to help decide and choose better counters from the list of dividend bearing stocks and REITs. Not all of them pay as well. So these are good extra indicators to make better decisions.
I have been reading through some trading books. A common point is that most investors wannabes think it is easy and want to make a fast buck without having to do much. The truth is always that it is not as easy as it seems to make money consistently off the stock market. There is a lot of work to be done and it is a whole learning process. Those who want to do little and earn something would most likely end up losing and their money losses would become someone else's gains. So this part needs a rethink on the part of the investor. So which one are you?
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
The months that kinda of zoomed by in a cloud of fog, trying to remember what I did and why I wasnt as free to do more
Looking back now, I have been on no-pay for almost 4 months, since Nov. Sept and Oct passed in a dark cloud of fatigue, anguish and an ever-high mountain of things to do.
Nov and Dec were mainly about settling things, making sure the rites and rituals were followed and adhered to, dealing with the loss, setting up things for the finances, the accounts and distribution to avoid internal conflicts, lots of roll-eyes at incidents that were so telling of characters and personalities, tidying and clearing out as much of the clutter as possible by the 'divine deadline'. Things I hope I would never have to relive. I met up with friends a few times, keeping as much at home cos have so much to do. Just going through my Dad's entire collection of files and documents and everything and sorting through them was a 9am-5pm job daily. Sorted and filed up all the docs that seemed important and came up with a cupboard full of A4 files. At least now labelled and put together. An epic job that I never want to do again... Through it I got more insight into my Dad's life and also into the whole mess of affairs in Malaysia. I dont have the full picture but I did have a rough idea with some details instead of the foggy picture. But again cos this mess has been brewing for at least 4-5 decades and unresolved, it might take a while and some maneuvering to move things into resolution. Just hope it dont get more complicated due to the words and actions of the other parties involved.
Jan was a quieter month, mainly keeping up with the rites, adhering to the rituals and forbidden things, getting the house clutter cleared before the installation of the air-con, paint job and Taoist rites to mark the end of the mourning period, 100 days. Things were starting with the SG lawyer, and compiled the lists and documents I had and handed over. Most of the accounts for finances were set up and running, and I was sorting through membership subscriptions, newspapers, phone bills, credit card, insurance policies payment, and so on. Had to call here, email there, print out forms and send, go down in person. Kept busy with such things until the final part of the ceremony.
I stared taking a peep or two at my own portfolio, hoping to see how I could make it earn some $ for me whilst I was tied down by all these. Bought in 2 lots of a share before it nose-dived... sian. Imagine being on the roller-coaster ride downwards, a steep one. Also started going out more often with friends for mainly dinners, that did cheer me up more and more. A chance to breathe socially outside. Talked about other topics and just go back to being more me.
Feb was a month of slowly resuming things, left off. I restarted KM to get my fitness back. Had put on 10kg and was struggling to contain my eating and appetite. Unsurprisingly once I restarted KM, my eating went back to the normal meals. Even portion wise, it was reducing two weeks into it. Cos I have to eat by a certain time before the exercise or have to eat after, so my meal times are back to strict timing. I find my appetite has come back to normal from the excessive overeating in the months earlier. Went to see the lawyer, and we went to the temple to pray to Tai Shui just before the 15th.
I am using my Dad's ChromeBook to log into the internet and hence can start monitoring the 'live' prices for stocks and also resume blogging. It is so much easier on a bigger screen, with a keyboard. I did do these on the phone but it wasnt big enough and often end up with typo and auto-correct errors in my posts. Am going out to meet friends more often, like I used to, except being on no pay meant I can meet on weekdays afternoon. We had some notably delicious and value meals - the fish shop at the basement of Taka that had very fresh fish and delicious Oden at a good price, the extra topping bowl of raw fish from Teppei Shyokudo with the heaps of fish that covered the rice and made for a very nice fish-to-rice mouthful every bite.
I headed over to JB with Tab, showing her how to go to CitySquare and JBCC through public transport. I had gone in numerous times since the first time in August, mainly to deal with the accounts in Msia. After that got mainly sorted out, I headed in a couple of times to do a mix of shopping for new year goodies, some more over-sized T-shirts, and so banking. We headed in on a Tues if I remembered correctly. The crowd was surprisingly manageable, luckily so as it was just a few more days to the Lunar New Year and I had expected a huge flood but it seemed we have pre-empted it. Phew. So we went shopping around for cheaper clothes, I needed more bottoms cos my increased weight meant I couldnt fit into my current wardrobe. Think besides my berms and some more plain berms I bought for the mourning period, I cant fit into my jeans. So we spent a long time in FOS, looking and trying out men's wear which on us still looked feminine. We joked about the 'obiang-ness' of some of the stuff we saw and how it would really fit a very 'obiang' theme, reminiscent of the 'Retro-obiang-nerd' dressing we did. I left with 4 bottoms, one which was the same size as Tab's... Okay remind myself not to make that one tight otherwise I am reaching Tab's. So I told her, these are really emergency supplies, even if I lose, I must keep for future days when my weight ballooned excessively again...
We ate at this Jap restaurant, Azuki which I tried with my mom a few weeks back. I had gone in once to do banking and bought a few tubs of CNY goodies, which my sister really liked two of them - an almond nuts, sunflower seeds, thin film waffer biscuit and the fried seedweed. I told her how I struggled and after sampling just one stall, I couldnt taste other stalls. A week or two later, I went in with my mom to stock up more of CNY goodies, and we had a seriously tough time tasting through almost all the stalls for the seaweed she liked cos that stall ran out of that. Omg, it was tough to taste anything else after so many stalls. I kept guggling water to rinse my palate. So after that trip, we had enough goodies. The exchange rate meant that instead of paying $8 for a basic tub, I could pay that and get some real good quality and exotic stuff. The same would have cost like easily $15-$20 back in SG. We discovered the nice Jap place and I prefer it more than Sushi King after that horrendously bad oyakodon. The set meals were delicious, filling and definitely cheap by sg standards. So Tab and I settled inside and chatted. Me mainly eating the set and Tab having a go at the revolving sushi. The tamago with roasted mentaiko sauce is superb. Something so simple yet so flavourful and cheap. Dont see this combination in sg. We walked around JBCC and after some more shopping, Tab was telling me to stop her from buying anymore. We headed back to CitySquare and headed to the bookshop. I bought more CD storage cases for mom. Tab bought 2 books. Lastly we headed to the square filled with CNY goodies. As Tab went about trying some of the samples, I declined quite a bit cos of the prior experience. I showed her that stall that I bought from quite a bit with some of the stuff that were pretty good. Instead I end up buying more from them, two tubs of seaweed, a tub of a tart that had a chewy combination of cashew, jelly, sesame and some flakes. It tasted good to me and is a chewy. The salesgirl told me she recognised me from earlier purchases. Wow, really... I told Tab about the nice crispy sotong seaweed I had tried earlier with Mom while we sampled almost all the seaweed. She tried it and liked it a lot. She took 2 and I took 1 tub to get the offer, 3 tubs for R$50. We were mostly done and headed back via public transport. Definitely had a fun time. Felt good to get some good value stuff and clothes.
On another occasion, we walked through the CNY stalls in Takashimaya while waiting for others for dinner and noted how pricey the goodies were. Superbly expensive, it was easily $15-19.90 and above. Crazy prices and some were very small tubs. And not generous with samples too. Few stalls had samples to try, as opposed to every stall was letting you try everything they had. I regretted not buying the Kueh Lapis in JB but I think my waistline was grateful. Maybe next year. We did leave the Taka stalls buying tea though. I bought the second last box of Ginger Flower oolong that was so fragrant and unique. Definitely worth it.
Painting with Tab was an imprompto affair as Tab asked me over WhatApp earlier in the week whether I would be free on Friday. She laid out the plan to make a replica of the painting that Quet loved so much but that costs at least $5k and above. It was meant as a gift to her. I was alright with it and we decided on when to meet, where to do the piece at and also who to bring what materials. We decided to meet at Dolby to buy the materials (kindly sponsored by FH), pack our lunch so that we can save some food money and meet earlier than the initial 2pm, at 12pm instead. Our venue would be SMU, the benches with access to food and drinks and toilet. We were to channel our most inner uni-student and dress up like one, doing Rag too. But as my sleeping hours are still havoc, I had woken up late, after finally sleeping at 5am. Woke up and it was close to eleven. I had to get ready and packing cardboard box into my KM bag was no easy task. My job was to bring the cardboard, newspapers and cups for painting. Ended up with pencils too when Tab msged me saying she had forgotten those. I didnt have time for breakfast nor pack lunch, so I packed along 5 mini-tarts from the cny, and some chips and ritz biscuit, plus my 1litre waterbottle full of tea. We bought the supplies in Art Friend and joked how extra stuff could be sponsored, like an extra canvas here and there and so on.
Tab wanted to take a train to the Museum area from dolby but I told her it was really walkable. So we headed to the mrt and emerged from the other exit nearer to the Cathay. We walked along the path which I was telling her, reminding me of the days of taking guitar lessons. It was my weekly path. Then we ended up at the SMU campus just opposite from Hotel Rendezvous and settled down at a bench that was sheltered and cooler than the main bench area. Once we settled down, Tab suggested that we eat before starting. I queued for pasta with the rest of the SMU students, decent pasta with a free lemon tea for $4.80. And by the time I got my food and was eating, Tab had finished and was sketching out the outline. The proportions were different tot the original due to the size of the canvas and she made her own original design choices.
Once I had finished eating, I joined in and waited until she was done with the sketch before painting. Within minutes of painting, I had stiff neck, stiff right shoulder from having to lift my entire arm to paint. Kept twisting about and stretching my stiff neck and shoulder. Joked that the costs should include a shoulder massage. After an hour of that, the stiffness went off and it was so much better not to keep feeling the stiffness every few minutes of painting. But there were two workman who were discussing very loudly their plans and etc. I find myself listening in and it wasnt a positive discussion, so I used my hp and played music from Spotify so that my mind can focus on the music instead. Utada Hikaru's R&B is suitable for a rainy day listening. Found a list for FF and ChronoCross soundtrack in symphonic style. It made the mood better despite the loud, complainy discussion, rainy day and a bit of a dark corner with light kinda lacking but it was cool. There were many topics we chatted about whilst mixing colors, painting, that spanned comical to serious to remembrance to downright yellow lines. Reminiscent of Rag days. We kinda fit in so much, some guy came up to me to ask where the nearest toilet was, which I didnt know. Later on when we needed to wash the paintbrush and get more water then I had to look about for one. In fact we could enter down the escalator to the student cca underground part of SMU. Think this one has public access cos its the linkway from the mrt later which we used. I munched on the 5 tarts I bought as we continued on. Though we didnt eat the chips nor the ritz biscuits. Too busy.
We learnt not to underestimate an art piece that 'looks like what a ten year old can do' and how the asymmetrical worked wonderfully into something that looked symmetrical at first glance, how polka dots are a bloody pain to paint, how there were so much texture and details in the seemingly simple picture, how irritating it was to have to keep painting layers to cover the white part of the canvas, how used sponges with paint should stick together and stay one side, how to mix turquoise which to my chagrin wasnt used at all in the painting... How difficult it was to do outlines in markers... Yep a steep and deep learning Art-jamming session. Granted, I havent had a chance to try it out yet. But this gives me an experience for it.
Slowly things came together. Though it didnt look exactly like the real deal, the colors and the piece did stand out. And by 6pm, though there were noticeable flaws, we were too tired to continue on, cos there were many adjustments made repeatedly before that. Such as repainting, repairing, re-outlining. So decided that will be it. The silver part didnt pop as much, perhaps Tab would fix it using silver markers when she goes over to Quet's place. We signed off at the right edge and then we cleaned up quickly, threw the unwanted and headed to the toilet before heading to the mrt to go to Promenade to meet Quet for dinner. Fatigue caught up with me and I wanted to sit down. Saw Tab rest the edge on the floor and told her to rest it on my bag. It was tall enough to hide me behind the painting as I sat for just 2 stops. Interestingly when you look at the painting from the back, through the light, it looks very arty-farty, like Picasso style where you can see the brush strokes.
We went to Teppei Shyokudo cos Tab wanted to try the delicious bowl of raw fish don. We had to queue and wait for seats cos it was a small place and finally got it. Tab turned the painting over to face Quet cos she didnt notice the back of the canvas when she arrived. We waited and it took a while before she noticed. We were making eyes and faces while eating. Finally she did. She was happy with it and we put it at the back of her car. She better not put behind or else it might fly off when she opens the top of her car. We walked around Marina square and went to Homefix to some picture hangers. I was still hungry and we settled down in MacDonalds. I actually ate a Fillet meal. Counting, then I had a brunch, a small snack and a don then a fast food meal... well three meals. Overall it was a good experience and would become another memory of doing something different from the usual. Though we kinda agreed that colour printing a copy might be less of a pain. There are still quite a lot of paint left, 4 small canvases for more art-jamming in the near future at Tab's place. At least, by then my cannot-visit-any-homes-until-15th rule would have lifted.
Nov and Dec were mainly about settling things, making sure the rites and rituals were followed and adhered to, dealing with the loss, setting up things for the finances, the accounts and distribution to avoid internal conflicts, lots of roll-eyes at incidents that were so telling of characters and personalities, tidying and clearing out as much of the clutter as possible by the 'divine deadline'. Things I hope I would never have to relive. I met up with friends a few times, keeping as much at home cos have so much to do. Just going through my Dad's entire collection of files and documents and everything and sorting through them was a 9am-5pm job daily. Sorted and filed up all the docs that seemed important and came up with a cupboard full of A4 files. At least now labelled and put together. An epic job that I never want to do again... Through it I got more insight into my Dad's life and also into the whole mess of affairs in Malaysia. I dont have the full picture but I did have a rough idea with some details instead of the foggy picture. But again cos this mess has been brewing for at least 4-5 decades and unresolved, it might take a while and some maneuvering to move things into resolution. Just hope it dont get more complicated due to the words and actions of the other parties involved.
Jan was a quieter month, mainly keeping up with the rites, adhering to the rituals and forbidden things, getting the house clutter cleared before the installation of the air-con, paint job and Taoist rites to mark the end of the mourning period, 100 days. Things were starting with the SG lawyer, and compiled the lists and documents I had and handed over. Most of the accounts for finances were set up and running, and I was sorting through membership subscriptions, newspapers, phone bills, credit card, insurance policies payment, and so on. Had to call here, email there, print out forms and send, go down in person. Kept busy with such things until the final part of the ceremony.
I stared taking a peep or two at my own portfolio, hoping to see how I could make it earn some $ for me whilst I was tied down by all these. Bought in 2 lots of a share before it nose-dived... sian. Imagine being on the roller-coaster ride downwards, a steep one. Also started going out more often with friends for mainly dinners, that did cheer me up more and more. A chance to breathe socially outside. Talked about other topics and just go back to being more me.
Feb was a month of slowly resuming things, left off. I restarted KM to get my fitness back. Had put on 10kg and was struggling to contain my eating and appetite. Unsurprisingly once I restarted KM, my eating went back to the normal meals. Even portion wise, it was reducing two weeks into it. Cos I have to eat by a certain time before the exercise or have to eat after, so my meal times are back to strict timing. I find my appetite has come back to normal from the excessive overeating in the months earlier. Went to see the lawyer, and we went to the temple to pray to Tai Shui just before the 15th.
I am using my Dad's ChromeBook to log into the internet and hence can start monitoring the 'live' prices for stocks and also resume blogging. It is so much easier on a bigger screen, with a keyboard. I did do these on the phone but it wasnt big enough and often end up with typo and auto-correct errors in my posts. Am going out to meet friends more often, like I used to, except being on no pay meant I can meet on weekdays afternoon. We had some notably delicious and value meals - the fish shop at the basement of Taka that had very fresh fish and delicious Oden at a good price, the extra topping bowl of raw fish from Teppei Shyokudo with the heaps of fish that covered the rice and made for a very nice fish-to-rice mouthful every bite.
I headed over to JB with Tab, showing her how to go to CitySquare and JBCC through public transport. I had gone in numerous times since the first time in August, mainly to deal with the accounts in Msia. After that got mainly sorted out, I headed in a couple of times to do a mix of shopping for new year goodies, some more over-sized T-shirts, and so banking. We headed in on a Tues if I remembered correctly. The crowd was surprisingly manageable, luckily so as it was just a few more days to the Lunar New Year and I had expected a huge flood but it seemed we have pre-empted it. Phew. So we went shopping around for cheaper clothes, I needed more bottoms cos my increased weight meant I couldnt fit into my current wardrobe. Think besides my berms and some more plain berms I bought for the mourning period, I cant fit into my jeans. So we spent a long time in FOS, looking and trying out men's wear which on us still looked feminine. We joked about the 'obiang-ness' of some of the stuff we saw and how it would really fit a very 'obiang' theme, reminiscent of the 'Retro-obiang-nerd' dressing we did. I left with 4 bottoms, one which was the same size as Tab's... Okay remind myself not to make that one tight otherwise I am reaching Tab's. So I told her, these are really emergency supplies, even if I lose, I must keep for future days when my weight ballooned excessively again...
We ate at this Jap restaurant, Azuki which I tried with my mom a few weeks back. I had gone in once to do banking and bought a few tubs of CNY goodies, which my sister really liked two of them - an almond nuts, sunflower seeds, thin film waffer biscuit and the fried seedweed. I told her how I struggled and after sampling just one stall, I couldnt taste other stalls. A week or two later, I went in with my mom to stock up more of CNY goodies, and we had a seriously tough time tasting through almost all the stalls for the seaweed she liked cos that stall ran out of that. Omg, it was tough to taste anything else after so many stalls. I kept guggling water to rinse my palate. So after that trip, we had enough goodies. The exchange rate meant that instead of paying $8 for a basic tub, I could pay that and get some real good quality and exotic stuff. The same would have cost like easily $15-$20 back in SG. We discovered the nice Jap place and I prefer it more than Sushi King after that horrendously bad oyakodon. The set meals were delicious, filling and definitely cheap by sg standards. So Tab and I settled inside and chatted. Me mainly eating the set and Tab having a go at the revolving sushi. The tamago with roasted mentaiko sauce is superb. Something so simple yet so flavourful and cheap. Dont see this combination in sg. We walked around JBCC and after some more shopping, Tab was telling me to stop her from buying anymore. We headed back to CitySquare and headed to the bookshop. I bought more CD storage cases for mom. Tab bought 2 books. Lastly we headed to the square filled with CNY goodies. As Tab went about trying some of the samples, I declined quite a bit cos of the prior experience. I showed her that stall that I bought from quite a bit with some of the stuff that were pretty good. Instead I end up buying more from them, two tubs of seaweed, a tub of a tart that had a chewy combination of cashew, jelly, sesame and some flakes. It tasted good to me and is a chewy. The salesgirl told me she recognised me from earlier purchases. Wow, really... I told Tab about the nice crispy sotong seaweed I had tried earlier with Mom while we sampled almost all the seaweed. She tried it and liked it a lot. She took 2 and I took 1 tub to get the offer, 3 tubs for R$50. We were mostly done and headed back via public transport. Definitely had a fun time. Felt good to get some good value stuff and clothes.
On another occasion, we walked through the CNY stalls in Takashimaya while waiting for others for dinner and noted how pricey the goodies were. Superbly expensive, it was easily $15-19.90 and above. Crazy prices and some were very small tubs. And not generous with samples too. Few stalls had samples to try, as opposed to every stall was letting you try everything they had. I regretted not buying the Kueh Lapis in JB but I think my waistline was grateful. Maybe next year. We did leave the Taka stalls buying tea though. I bought the second last box of Ginger Flower oolong that was so fragrant and unique. Definitely worth it.
Painting with Tab was an imprompto affair as Tab asked me over WhatApp earlier in the week whether I would be free on Friday. She laid out the plan to make a replica of the painting that Quet loved so much but that costs at least $5k and above. It was meant as a gift to her. I was alright with it and we decided on when to meet, where to do the piece at and also who to bring what materials. We decided to meet at Dolby to buy the materials (kindly sponsored by FH), pack our lunch so that we can save some food money and meet earlier than the initial 2pm, at 12pm instead. Our venue would be SMU, the benches with access to food and drinks and toilet. We were to channel our most inner uni-student and dress up like one, doing Rag too. But as my sleeping hours are still havoc, I had woken up late, after finally sleeping at 5am. Woke up and it was close to eleven. I had to get ready and packing cardboard box into my KM bag was no easy task. My job was to bring the cardboard, newspapers and cups for painting. Ended up with pencils too when Tab msged me saying she had forgotten those. I didnt have time for breakfast nor pack lunch, so I packed along 5 mini-tarts from the cny, and some chips and ritz biscuit, plus my 1litre waterbottle full of tea. We bought the supplies in Art Friend and joked how extra stuff could be sponsored, like an extra canvas here and there and so on.
Tab wanted to take a train to the Museum area from dolby but I told her it was really walkable. So we headed to the mrt and emerged from the other exit nearer to the Cathay. We walked along the path which I was telling her, reminding me of the days of taking guitar lessons. It was my weekly path. Then we ended up at the SMU campus just opposite from Hotel Rendezvous and settled down at a bench that was sheltered and cooler than the main bench area. Once we settled down, Tab suggested that we eat before starting. I queued for pasta with the rest of the SMU students, decent pasta with a free lemon tea for $4.80. And by the time I got my food and was eating, Tab had finished and was sketching out the outline. The proportions were different tot the original due to the size of the canvas and she made her own original design choices.
Once I had finished eating, I joined in and waited until she was done with the sketch before painting. Within minutes of painting, I had stiff neck, stiff right shoulder from having to lift my entire arm to paint. Kept twisting about and stretching my stiff neck and shoulder. Joked that the costs should include a shoulder massage. After an hour of that, the stiffness went off and it was so much better not to keep feeling the stiffness every few minutes of painting. But there were two workman who were discussing very loudly their plans and etc. I find myself listening in and it wasnt a positive discussion, so I used my hp and played music from Spotify so that my mind can focus on the music instead. Utada Hikaru's R&B is suitable for a rainy day listening. Found a list for FF and ChronoCross soundtrack in symphonic style. It made the mood better despite the loud, complainy discussion, rainy day and a bit of a dark corner with light kinda lacking but it was cool. There were many topics we chatted about whilst mixing colors, painting, that spanned comical to serious to remembrance to downright yellow lines. Reminiscent of Rag days. We kinda fit in so much, some guy came up to me to ask where the nearest toilet was, which I didnt know. Later on when we needed to wash the paintbrush and get more water then I had to look about for one. In fact we could enter down the escalator to the student cca underground part of SMU. Think this one has public access cos its the linkway from the mrt later which we used. I munched on the 5 tarts I bought as we continued on. Though we didnt eat the chips nor the ritz biscuits. Too busy.
We learnt not to underestimate an art piece that 'looks like what a ten year old can do' and how the asymmetrical worked wonderfully into something that looked symmetrical at first glance, how polka dots are a bloody pain to paint, how there were so much texture and details in the seemingly simple picture, how irritating it was to have to keep painting layers to cover the white part of the canvas, how used sponges with paint should stick together and stay one side, how to mix turquoise which to my chagrin wasnt used at all in the painting... How difficult it was to do outlines in markers... Yep a steep and deep learning Art-jamming session. Granted, I havent had a chance to try it out yet. But this gives me an experience for it.
Slowly things came together. Though it didnt look exactly like the real deal, the colors and the piece did stand out. And by 6pm, though there were noticeable flaws, we were too tired to continue on, cos there were many adjustments made repeatedly before that. Such as repainting, repairing, re-outlining. So decided that will be it. The silver part didnt pop as much, perhaps Tab would fix it using silver markers when she goes over to Quet's place. We signed off at the right edge and then we cleaned up quickly, threw the unwanted and headed to the toilet before heading to the mrt to go to Promenade to meet Quet for dinner. Fatigue caught up with me and I wanted to sit down. Saw Tab rest the edge on the floor and told her to rest it on my bag. It was tall enough to hide me behind the painting as I sat for just 2 stops. Interestingly when you look at the painting from the back, through the light, it looks very arty-farty, like Picasso style where you can see the brush strokes.
We went to Teppei Shyokudo cos Tab wanted to try the delicious bowl of raw fish don. We had to queue and wait for seats cos it was a small place and finally got it. Tab turned the painting over to face Quet cos she didnt notice the back of the canvas when she arrived. We waited and it took a while before she noticed. We were making eyes and faces while eating. Finally she did. She was happy with it and we put it at the back of her car. She better not put behind or else it might fly off when she opens the top of her car. We walked around Marina square and went to Homefix to some picture hangers. I was still hungry and we settled down in MacDonalds. I actually ate a Fillet meal. Counting, then I had a brunch, a small snack and a don then a fast food meal... well three meals. Overall it was a good experience and would become another memory of doing something different from the usual. Though we kinda agreed that colour printing a copy might be less of a pain. There are still quite a lot of paint left, 4 small canvases for more art-jamming in the near future at Tab's place. At least, by then my cannot-visit-any-homes-until-15th rule would have lifted.
Monday, February 22, 2016
Two more steps I am using on my current portfolio
This second trading cum investing post is to include some plans that weren't mentioned in the earlier post.
1) I calculated the projected dividends starting last year. Based on the dividends from the year before, or from Bloomberg app, I calculated the dividends I am expected to have if I did nothing and let the portfolio stay on auto-pilot. This number helps me by letting me know realistically how much dividends I am getting. With it, I can decide if it is too high and needs to be higher. This helps me decide whether to buy into more dividend-bearing or REITs. This helps me focus as I do look at the stock prices everyday. This would help me focus and look out for more buy opportunities for these counters.
2) Taking a controlled-loss to off-set against gains made this year. This is a way for me to help slowly weed out the losers in my portfolio. The reason being the maxim ' Sell the losers and buy the winners'. Unfortunately, most of us do the opposite and actually keep the losers in the portfolio (did not have stop-loss) and sell the winners. The problem doing this is that your portfolio becomes filled with losers over time. As for the losers in my portfolio, I have missed the stop-loss range and mainly because I didn't have an exit strategy in my vocabulary, I have sat on them for quite a while. This year, I am playing around with this step to help me slowly get used to making losses (as small as I can, but still I have to be realistic) from slowly and gradually getting rid of these losers in my portfolio and off-setting them against the gains I have made. So that the effect on me is two-fold. First, my portfolio over time can become healthier, cos the losers are sold off and the capital, though reduced, can be put into the winners. Second, this helps me overcome the loss-aversion by getting me repeatedly having to deal with some loss and this keeps reminding me, in the face, why I SHOULD have had a Stop-loss in place. Cos the losses are definitely bigger than the stop-loss amount if I had done so. The downside is my actual annual gains are lowered cos used to off-set against the losses which has accumulated over the years. This should drive me to make better and smarter buy-decisions, come up with stop-loss target before I buy anything. This process will take some time to see results but I need to learn about the stop-loss mentality and internalise this to avoid more of this sitting on losses.
I am in the midst of starting to read up about trading of stocks with a couple of books. Am trying to adopt certain concepts and come up with a more comprehensive plan. My goal for my portfolio is 10% nett returns and the final and higher goal is 20% return.
1) I calculated the projected dividends starting last year. Based on the dividends from the year before, or from Bloomberg app, I calculated the dividends I am expected to have if I did nothing and let the portfolio stay on auto-pilot. This number helps me by letting me know realistically how much dividends I am getting. With it, I can decide if it is too high and needs to be higher. This helps me decide whether to buy into more dividend-bearing or REITs. This helps me focus as I do look at the stock prices everyday. This would help me focus and look out for more buy opportunities for these counters.
2) Taking a controlled-loss to off-set against gains made this year. This is a way for me to help slowly weed out the losers in my portfolio. The reason being the maxim ' Sell the losers and buy the winners'. Unfortunately, most of us do the opposite and actually keep the losers in the portfolio (did not have stop-loss) and sell the winners. The problem doing this is that your portfolio becomes filled with losers over time. As for the losers in my portfolio, I have missed the stop-loss range and mainly because I didn't have an exit strategy in my vocabulary, I have sat on them for quite a while. This year, I am playing around with this step to help me slowly get used to making losses (as small as I can, but still I have to be realistic) from slowly and gradually getting rid of these losers in my portfolio and off-setting them against the gains I have made. So that the effect on me is two-fold. First, my portfolio over time can become healthier, cos the losers are sold off and the capital, though reduced, can be put into the winners. Second, this helps me overcome the loss-aversion by getting me repeatedly having to deal with some loss and this keeps reminding me, in the face, why I SHOULD have had a Stop-loss in place. Cos the losses are definitely bigger than the stop-loss amount if I had done so. The downside is my actual annual gains are lowered cos used to off-set against the losses which has accumulated over the years. This should drive me to make better and smarter buy-decisions, come up with stop-loss target before I buy anything. This process will take some time to see results but I need to learn about the stop-loss mentality and internalise this to avoid more of this sitting on losses.
I am in the midst of starting to read up about trading of stocks with a couple of books. Am trying to adopt certain concepts and come up with a more comprehensive plan. My goal for my portfolio is 10% nett returns and the final and higher goal is 20% return.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Restarting my journey towards a trader cum investor in 2015 onwards
In the very early month of 2015, I sat down and tallied up the P&L for my investments for 2014. I always do it every year to get an idea of how well I was doing in investments. It was kinda a surprise that the nett gains were less than $5K given my portfolio capital has increased over the years as more of my money (in excess of my buffer) are invested into stocks. Granted I did choose not to sell and realise a gain to make the end sum of close to $10K and was satisfied to live with my decision then.
After a month, I had a 180 degree change of perspective. The dissatisfaction and discomfort from work set me thinking about HOW to generate more income to make up my lowered income, HOW to consistently make gains and become a full-time trader, WHAT do I have to do to end up working for myself as I've realised that actually I work very hard and wholehearted at work, HOW to make my investment work harder since my capital has increased annually.
Then I took another look at the P&L over the years from 2009 to 2014 and realised immediately that the past two years, my portfolio underperformed with very low returns for the amount invested. That didnt make much sense to me. With a new-found sense of perspective, I looked through and realised a few things about my portfolio - definitely mistakes I have made and will hope to rectify.
1) Auto-pilot
My portfolio had been on auto-pilot mode, with very few sells to realise anything. Given it was a side-way market, the old-me kinda of chose not to sell cos the gains were not as high as my 25-30% target. This is kinda unrealistic in the sideway market and cos in my earlier days, there was the market crash in 2008-9 so those initial gains were in such figures. But realistically speaking even 5-10% nett is a good return given the extremely low interest rates. We all dream of buying a stock and holding and that it will appreciate to several hundreds of dollars, eg Google and in effect, become a millionaire. That does happen to people but those chances are rare. Not sure if possible with SG shares. US market perhaps. There are risks for these new shares when they started out as newly listed small companies. Who can identify the next tech giant etc? But if I keep letting it go on auto-pilot, there will be continued low gains because I am not selling and my counters are unfortunately not Google and are not making astronomical capital appreciation. So it's a double-loss in that. Why shouldnt I realise some gains through buying & selling and still be invested?
2) Too attached to the shares
This is one which was mentioned in trading books (started reading them when I relooked my portfolio) is that there are certain familiar counters that I favor over others and am reluctant to sell them off, at times in parts, even completely, unless there are super-high gains. As one of those many who made this mistake, this attachment meant that even when there are gains to be made, I didnt sell. Then prices dropped back to my purchase. In effect, I have missed the opportunity to make a gain. Sell when it went up and buy back when it came back down. So this meant no gains were made though there were chances. I had this problem of attachment cos in my first 2 years, I had encountered a share that shot up to very high prices when I did this, sell it off with the intention to buy back lower. It never came back down and it was delisted with private offer. There is this fear of a repeat for the counters in my portfolio. The thinking mentioned is to overcome this. The goal is to make money, the counters are your means of doing so. Getting attached and not realising gains does not make sense. There are many other counters even if such unexpected event comes in. Learn to let them go, and look to buy back. If its gone, go elsewhere.
3) Not many dividend stocks
As I took advice (foolish of me and I need to learn to bear the consequences of my decision to do so), I bought into some penny-stocks that dont offer dividend. As a bigger part of my capital went in, even as I invested more overall in stocks, my returns were affected when the penny-stocks fell in prices (pain pain) and get trapped inside, with no dividend, some of my other counters yielded some dividend but overall in the whole portfolio the dividend portion is smaller. And when I sell off these dividend counters for capital gains, I dont receive the full dividends, partly cos I dont own them at that period when dividends came. Some are annually, semi-annual or quarterly. I took a hard look at my counters and decided to search for higher yielding dividends counters such as adding more REITs into my portfolio. I expanded from my 2 familiar to 5-6 REITs across retail, commercial, industrial and logistics rental. Reckon a bit of diversification across different rental markets would be prudent. I was purely into commercial and retail reits. But many have the same idea so REITs werent cheap. Had to wait a bit and just jumped in. I did end up with higher prices then cos thereafter the market nose-dived (not the highest price but still higher) But overall it helped my portfolio to have shares that specifically generate dividends and payouts even when I dont sell them and they are just sitting inside my portfolio. So just by this, I have increased the dividend proportion of my portfolio. Even as I put in extra money, they went into these REITs. Until I was satisfied it was better then any extra went to better counters.
4) Buying in times of irrational exuberance and over-confidence
I think all investors make this mistake. I find that I had made quite a few poor buy decisions when I managed to get a decent gain from selling. The sense of accomplishment, plus pride and ego and exuberance at my own ability made me itchy to jump straight back into the market to buy something, usually at a higher price. Doesnt make sense to do so. I have learnt an important lesson from reading the trading books, 'Dont always need to be in the market. Dont always need to buy or sell. Having NO position is also a position.' or aka the Cash is King maxim. This is still something I am figuring out. Though before it fully became internalised and conscious, I made the same mistake again.
5) Buying on other's advice...
The book says, just like you dont ask your bartender for stock advice, any unsolicited stock advice one should be weary. Very rarely it pans out. So... I did buy into the counters my Dad were into and seriously regretted and am still in the red. I have to take responsibility for my own actions - which was I chose to follow... I cant keep blaming others and this wont help me grow as a trader and investor. Though I did it again and bought into one counter from discussions with friends and am in the red but at least then the lesson had sunk in a bit and it was a small punt. I had learnt that some trades should be in small amounts for these so-called chances, hence the word punt is more apt. Unfortunately greed got into me and I put in bigger sum in one of the punt after I had made a bit of gains and suffered when the music ran out. I have to take responsibility and learn never ever ever to buy on other's advice. (A couple friends bought into my counter and bought in at high price then which took a big hit when stock prices dropped in mid-Aug 2015)
6) Not taking loss
This is a very foreign concept to me. Tell me which investor or trader looks upon loss positively. Unfortunately I am often caught in this loss-aversion mentality. In human psychology, we are adverse to loss. An equivalent loss is felt much more keenly than a gain. Plus there are other aspects at play, such as ego and pride at having to admit 'I was wrong' (an incorrect decision to either buy or sell) and most of us will throw in more money to 'average it down' lower in hopes of eventually getting a gain ('I was right') when prices finally went up. Problem with this is that the losses can get bigger and bigger. Then the 'averaging technique' meant more and more capital goes in and gets locked up in the losses. And chasing a stock as it plunges is very taxing on the capital, every extra stock you buy in hopes of averaging down, magnifies the losses when prices went further down. A lot gets locked in and one would be unsure of WHEN you can break-even. There are those that rebound and there are those that never comes back up again. A lesson from trading books is that 'The intial Stop-loss is the smallest.' How very very true. This is something I am trying to work on and internalise. I still havent set up the correct stop-loss way of thinking and internalise this concept. But when you have missed the stop-loss target, then you are stuck. Then you have to wait and wait and hope. Then at what limit are you going to say, this is long enough, I think I have made a mistake?
7) Losses are cost of the Business and a lesson
Nobody likes losses, mentioned in the earlier point, period. But making a loss is not the end of the world unless it was a devastating one that wiped out your entire capital. Imagine being in a business, losses are part of the cost of doing business. Hence the goal is to keep losses small and continue to make more gains. So that the overall nett effect is positive. A loss can also be a cost for a lesson. Learn the lesson well cos you have paid for it. Imagine paying fees to learn and train to become better. Gains are not always good too. You might have made the mistake of not 'letting profits run' and at times you learn little from making gains and learn more from making mistakes and losses. Just dont let the chance to learn from it be wasted.
Results in 2015
So with these main ideas in my mind and with new perspective and understanding, I went about 2015 and increased my nett gains significantly, hitting the nett dollar returns I had in my 2nd year of investing (though with a much capital base) Almost tripled my 2014 paltry sum, and my dividends alone was close to $3.3K. Though with the event in my family that took up all my time and attention Sept to Dec even Jan. At least the dividends and payouts from REITs helped alot. Though I did make the mistake of buying on exuberance again, not taking loss, averaging. As any investor would tell you. These are the mistakes we all make. There are still lessons to be learnt, realised, internalised and it feels like a journey. I try to make fewer and smaller mistakes as I learn more about how to set up your own trading system, trading rules (not computer systems), scenarios for decisions, indicators, stop losses and trade size decisions, precise buying or selling decisions , execution, reflection, seeing it through from start to end and repeat it without deviation. After 7 years of investing, finally I think I have grown a little more and will continue to read and try to set up all these. I dont have any hard and fast rules about buying, selling, when to buy or sell and so on. Now that is a challenge and a goal to work towards, not just 2016 but into the future.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Appreciation and a new-found sense of thankfulness
I am thankful and grateful to friends who have stood by me through this very traumatic, stressful and frustrating life event.
The messages to ask how I am getting along, coming personally down to have a meal and provide a listening ear, checking on me as I kept radio-silent ( like what my sister aptly put it, you don't know if you can ever be happy or express happiness during the whole duration of the mourning), and offers of help when needed. All these helped in their ways. Though I did get a few messages from colleagues, but those are not the same. The personal touch of friendship that can provide the emotional support to forge on ahead. It definitely helped to have a listening ear, sound and reasonable advice and opinions, acceptance and non-judgement and most importantly support.
Family was and still is a complicated double-edged affair. The few who actually helped, those who sat by with empty promises of helping, those who complicate matters through unsolicited opinions, thoughtless words, gossips, unwarranted judgement. Some just talk but can't walk the talk. Others kept referring you to another and not get involved. Some things are simple but became complicated. Some things are straight-forward but became so round-a-bout and twisted. Some simple actions became corrupted through the judgemental discussions behind our backs. Threading carefully to avoid blunders and seeking to solve the problems on the Malaysian side. Using them instead of being used. This is not exactly the Game of Throne level but makes you wonder really about family ties especially about the extended family. Not just that, at times with the immediate family too.
So this whole life event has left with a new-found sense of gratefulness and being thankful for the family, friends and health. Things easily taken for granted, lost in the pursuit of things, covered by the dust as life grinds away at work. I am left with a heart that has aged immensely. Feel like an old melancholic soul at times. Have not really sat down and slowly sort through my own things and emotions. The first time I went for KM put a smile when finally I was out of the house and doing something which I was before all these began. Hope to slowly resume other aspects and put in driving lessons. Hope the things in Malaysia can be initiated soon so that I can then focus on the job search. That is another which I have not sort through also. Of course, unless against all probability can strike lottery and live without having to worry or deal with these... Life does go on.
The messages to ask how I am getting along, coming personally down to have a meal and provide a listening ear, checking on me as I kept radio-silent ( like what my sister aptly put it, you don't know if you can ever be happy or express happiness during the whole duration of the mourning), and offers of help when needed. All these helped in their ways. Though I did get a few messages from colleagues, but those are not the same. The personal touch of friendship that can provide the emotional support to forge on ahead. It definitely helped to have a listening ear, sound and reasonable advice and opinions, acceptance and non-judgement and most importantly support.
Family was and still is a complicated double-edged affair. The few who actually helped, those who sat by with empty promises of helping, those who complicate matters through unsolicited opinions, thoughtless words, gossips, unwarranted judgement. Some just talk but can't walk the talk. Others kept referring you to another and not get involved. Some things are simple but became complicated. Some things are straight-forward but became so round-a-bout and twisted. Some simple actions became corrupted through the judgemental discussions behind our backs. Threading carefully to avoid blunders and seeking to solve the problems on the Malaysian side. Using them instead of being used. This is not exactly the Game of Throne level but makes you wonder really about family ties especially about the extended family. Not just that, at times with the immediate family too.
So this whole life event has left with a new-found sense of gratefulness and being thankful for the family, friends and health. Things easily taken for granted, lost in the pursuit of things, covered by the dust as life grinds away at work. I am left with a heart that has aged immensely. Feel like an old melancholic soul at times. Have not really sat down and slowly sort through my own things and emotions. The first time I went for KM put a smile when finally I was out of the house and doing something which I was before all these began. Hope to slowly resume other aspects and put in driving lessons. Hope the things in Malaysia can be initiated soon so that I can then focus on the job search. That is another which I have not sort through also. Of course, unless against all probability can strike lottery and live without having to worry or deal with these... Life does go on.
Friday, February 12, 2016
Being inspired to start blogging again, who cares if anyone is reading this.
My blogging came to an abrupt end in August. That was when everything in my life came to a sudden stop.
The reason: My dad's hospitalisation and the subsequent diagnosis.
In my last unpublished post, I was trying to put in words the devastation in the initial stages of events then. Little would I know that there were so much more things behind. That the initial stage of the diagnosis was just the tip of the iceburg.
Having reached the current stage now, where the 100 days are over, can resume most things normally and until the 15th of the Lunar New Year, I can go to other's homes. It has been an epic tough journey. There are still more to go, nothing being settled at the Malaysian side and how there are so many complications for relatively straight-forward things... just that I am not the party overseeing... there are my uncles and aunties and the older-generation to deal with the brewing problem that have stewed for a good 40 years at least.
I dont want to retell the epic story from Sept to end-Jan. There are many epic-fails and lots of eye-rolling involved. Too much for me to say it again. Too many emotions, that certain memories and events still trigger the tearing up and bring tears in an instant. Think I need time to heal those. Time has healed some. So I will just list down the events as a reminder to myself what had happened.
Sept and Oct:
Hospitalised, Diagnosed, Drafting the list of assets, hoping to do a will and searching for financial info, Kept updating the list and kept having to revise and revise, Aunties and Uncles came and complicated some things with their advice, Hesitation and Reluctance, Massive cleaning up for space, Insistence on discharge, more massive decluttering, checking and learning about health equipment, many trips to the SG banks to open accounts, make enquiries, trips and calls to stock brokers and etc, enquiring about getting a maid, finishing the maid online course, numerous trips to the hospital, kept running the errands, asking the workplace for No Pay Leave for 2 months and getting half a year instead until the end of the contract, going into Malaysia on my own using public transport to go the banks and stock brokerage to settle the requests, emailed will-writer, talked with Uncle's lawyer, try to get the money ready for use... so many many things and the eventual passing.
Nov:
The funeral wake, the logistics and costs of the funeral wake, cremation and the process, putting the urn at home until the Gong De and the requirements for offering, folding gold and silver paper for days, more going in to Malaysia to settle banking, the 2 nights of visitation and the preparation, the Gong De itself, the bringing the urn back to put in the grave plot, the complications with the death of the loser uncle and having to deal with the other uncle with negotiations and having to deal with the talking, undependable way of getting things done, continue with the offering requirement until the 100th day, more massive decluttering and sorting through all the things to clean up the house.
Dec:
The Ipoh trip - Pahang road trip and the dramas, the continued decluttering, calling to cancel, change subscriptions to newspapers, membership, coming up with an agreement between siblings about the distribution etc in Singapore, started the litigation process and met with lawyer with regards to SG side of things, have to revise the list of assets on hand and include the complications for the Malaysian side in a list, met up and talked to Uncle.
Jan:
Setting up a couple more accounts, managing the household finances, updating subscriptions and Giro etc. Managing Mom's insurance, bank accounts and pocket money etc, In charge of payment for the air-con, lights and new coat of paint and new doors to brighten the house, continue to keep an eye on Mom and finances, accompany her to the lawyer and etc, prepared for the 100th day ceremony.
Feb:
Accompany her to the lawyer firm, help out with home errands, and slowly resumed Krav Maga.
The reason: My dad's hospitalisation and the subsequent diagnosis.
In my last unpublished post, I was trying to put in words the devastation in the initial stages of events then. Little would I know that there were so much more things behind. That the initial stage of the diagnosis was just the tip of the iceburg.
Having reached the current stage now, where the 100 days are over, can resume most things normally and until the 15th of the Lunar New Year, I can go to other's homes. It has been an epic tough journey. There are still more to go, nothing being settled at the Malaysian side and how there are so many complications for relatively straight-forward things... just that I am not the party overseeing... there are my uncles and aunties and the older-generation to deal with the brewing problem that have stewed for a good 40 years at least.
I dont want to retell the epic story from Sept to end-Jan. There are many epic-fails and lots of eye-rolling involved. Too much for me to say it again. Too many emotions, that certain memories and events still trigger the tearing up and bring tears in an instant. Think I need time to heal those. Time has healed some. So I will just list down the events as a reminder to myself what had happened.
Sept and Oct:
Hospitalised, Diagnosed, Drafting the list of assets, hoping to do a will and searching for financial info, Kept updating the list and kept having to revise and revise, Aunties and Uncles came and complicated some things with their advice, Hesitation and Reluctance, Massive cleaning up for space, Insistence on discharge, more massive decluttering, checking and learning about health equipment, many trips to the SG banks to open accounts, make enquiries, trips and calls to stock brokers and etc, enquiring about getting a maid, finishing the maid online course, numerous trips to the hospital, kept running the errands, asking the workplace for No Pay Leave for 2 months and getting half a year instead until the end of the contract, going into Malaysia on my own using public transport to go the banks and stock brokerage to settle the requests, emailed will-writer, talked with Uncle's lawyer, try to get the money ready for use... so many many things and the eventual passing.
Nov:
The funeral wake, the logistics and costs of the funeral wake, cremation and the process, putting the urn at home until the Gong De and the requirements for offering, folding gold and silver paper for days, more going in to Malaysia to settle banking, the 2 nights of visitation and the preparation, the Gong De itself, the bringing the urn back to put in the grave plot, the complications with the death of the loser uncle and having to deal with the other uncle with negotiations and having to deal with the talking, undependable way of getting things done, continue with the offering requirement until the 100th day, more massive decluttering and sorting through all the things to clean up the house.
Dec:
The Ipoh trip - Pahang road trip and the dramas, the continued decluttering, calling to cancel, change subscriptions to newspapers, membership, coming up with an agreement between siblings about the distribution etc in Singapore, started the litigation process and met with lawyer with regards to SG side of things, have to revise the list of assets on hand and include the complications for the Malaysian side in a list, met up and talked to Uncle.
Jan:
Setting up a couple more accounts, managing the household finances, updating subscriptions and Giro etc. Managing Mom's insurance, bank accounts and pocket money etc, In charge of payment for the air-con, lights and new coat of paint and new doors to brighten the house, continue to keep an eye on Mom and finances, accompany her to the lawyer and etc, prepared for the 100th day ceremony.
Feb:
Accompany her to the lawyer firm, help out with home errands, and slowly resumed Krav Maga.
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