February is almost at its end. Notable things I did, included painting with Tab and the house-warming at Quet's place. Mostly was the resumption of KM just after CNY so I have been going intensively, up to 4 times a week as I had asked for a bit of extension for my package which had 77 lessons but unused since Sept.
This period of time, more so towards the end of Jan to Feb, as more of the important rituals, dates and events passed, I have a bit of time gradually to look at myself, feel like myself, and be like myself. It seems weird to think that actually 4 months have passed by and only in the last month, you feel like yourself and feel like you have some time to do something? Isnt it absurd given you technically had 4 months of glorious free time to do anything you want?
All this time, at the back of my mind is the worry about the job aspect. The uncertainty of not having one, no stable income, no direction for career, not being a 'responsible' adult working a full-time job, nagging sense of worry about my age and the whole job issue. It is too complex to explain. A whole sea of voices of worries and fears when I 'tune in'.
Well-meaning friends, colleaguess have offered some advice on what to do - go back to local sch, try out MOlE, do relief... What they dont understand is that there are a few reasons (*some would say excuses) why I havent started on anything on the job front. Partly is I am not ready... there are other things on my mind besides that.
1) I hope to get the Msian things sorted through and on track first. Currently letting things finish up with the SG lawyer before going to the Msian one. Anyone who has dealt with estate issues would be familiar with the timing of the process. It will take some time, and yet nothing else on the messy Malaysian side is initiated... How is my mom to cope alone doing this, like go with her to meet with the Msian lawyer etc and discuss the Malaysian assets and issues when she is not fully aware of the whole picture? I am the one with the picture and details. I know that I also cant be indefinitely out-of-work but this is a big worry I have and I would feel more assured when things are more on-track, just like how the sg things have progressed.
2) There is also the 'keeping an eye' on Mom. Worried and dont want her to be duped by those who might approach, knowing that my Dad had passed on. The bad might immediately think of targeting her share given she is an elderly and not exactly very financially-savvy. Though I might not be exactly productive at home, but I have spent time sorting through the bills, accounts to help ensure the household is running okay without disruption. In terms of household expenses, help her set up Giro for her insurance policies, and also try to settle my Dad's stuff. All these took time and mostly are done and settled by now. As things are slowly being more settled, less worries for her and also normal life can resume. I know eventually I have to be working unless I strike some super lottery prize *pretty-please* Yet for this period of time when suddenly there is no one else at home except her, I want to be around. Though I am not a person she talks very deeply or confides in, I handle the finances and accounts matters and my youngest sister is the one whom cheers her up by acting cute. But at least one more pair of eyes and brains. Can give her the confidence and assurance that I am around, and can handle or discuss things if something crops up. I was contemplating something part-time also to meet this but for now I havent started looking around.
3) How to get a perm job with two more trips upcoming very quickly in early mid-March is the important and early 'first year' of sweeping the grave with a stay back in Muar and at the start of April is the 12-days trip to Taiwan with Mom, sis and her husband? I guess I myself am looking forward to finally having a chance to really just have a breather from everything. Reading through my last post in August, where I had my first and final solo trip to Bangkok, it felt like several lifetimes away. So far the trips in and out of msia mostly have a family errand aspect. A lot of things still on my mind. I myself havent had the time and also the mood to sort myself out. Sort through all the complex emotions, sort myself about the job, my own thoughts, ideas, fears, issues with the career. Sort through my own plans for my life. Everything is put aside to focus on settling things in the family. Even now, as I am slowly resuming just the KM component and also my own share-trading component, trying to lose the 10kg I gained during this period and get my health back - I dare say, I havent given anything else any deeper thought. I know I should but I myself am not ready, mentally and physically.
On hand, I still have a couple of things to do, that will become more when the SG lawyer finally gets the grant. Then that would entail several trips to banks, stock brokerages, CDP to transfer funds and stuff. I would have to accompany my Mom. Hence I gave myself until after the trip in mid-April to start the search. Now that March is almost upon us, I really hope that the Msian side can have some slight start and progress by then.
The question I keep asking myself repeatedly, was if I could have done what I had to do - all the decluttering, funeral and rites things, bank accounts stuff and etc with a full-time job? aka doing what I did from Sept to Oct... I dont know but personally I felt I couldnt. Something might have snapped if I had to do that from Sept to Feb. By Oct, I was drained, worried and exhausted with all the things then and it was not even the full extent of things and events to come. Add in the unhappiness and strain of work issues. Some might say I was taking the 'easy' way out. But I want to reply that 'You dont know cos it didnt happen to you'. Wait until you are in my shoes before judging me. Granted, if I had more help, that I am not the sole person being relied upon to do these, maybe I could handle these with a full-time job but it is what it is. Poor health, lacking capability and responsibility and also trust, meant I had to. It was entrusted to me, so I will see it through despite how it costs my job stability. If I have the chance to go back, I think I will choose the same thing.
At the same time, it did grant me some breathing space. Away from the strain at work and all the upheaval and stress. I had a chance to think through and decided I wont re-contract. Granted I had that idea in my mind and again went about setting up my safety account for dry months before this. The event hastened the date of no income. At least I was prepared then financially. A thrifty life-style for now but I will have to find stable income eventually. Or if I can mould trading and investing to a full-time thing... All these requires some time, some thinking and sorting through, work and effort. Have to really keep praying that things will turn out fine and smoothly... Also remember to do good and kind deeds, treasure family, appreciate friends, be a better person, smile more and be happy, be grateful.
I read somewhere about this simple idea about happiness. It is not something that you achieve or receive. You get it by 'being'. Profound and yet so hard to do. You choose to 'be happy', not something or someone makes you happy. Ask anyone and and this is no easy task, to be the one who is happy. There were times when a sense of simple happiness and contentment came upon me.
Once at night when I came back from KM and had my simple dinner which was kept for me whilst my Mom and sister slept. I ate contentedly though it was really very simple and plain dishes. Washed up and felt kinda of at peace.
Like now, though my body alarm clock has been broken and I should adjust it to normal gradually, by sleeping earlier and waking earlier, sometimes I feel contented that I dont have to worry about waking up late. I can read into the morning if I choose to. But that would affect the next day cos I would wake up later.
So at times remember to be grateful for what you have, not worry about what you dont have. I know the realism of the world, about realistic things like bills and nothing is free. There has to be a sort of balance or else I might be caught up in the grind and become so lost in the realities of this reality.
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