... stares aimlessly at the clock, the watch, the calendar... when will thy day of salvation arrive. Another two weeks and one day more. 11 working days more.

Really suddenly I realized that 6 mths can just whizz past. There are those who are envious and those curious as to why I am not converting. My answer is that I was not offered anything... U mean I had to go and ask? Huh? Nvm, I will just join the pool of unemployed out there.

Anyway I got to know and talk more in Office with a few other interns. Its quite rare, given that I hardly talked in Office. Anyway we all seem to be on the same frequency so the topics were interesting... A bit of a pity that I only got to know them last week, not to mention leaving.

Today's main task was print letter, photocopy letters, then fold and put inside envelopes... The whole task took up most of my time. Did I mention that there was over a hundred envelopes. One of the intern I chatted with, remarked that there are actually machines that can fold docs, insert into envelopes and paste postage. Well what more can I say? This task reminded me again the reason why I am glad to be gone. It helps reinforce the REASON, in case I get too caught up in stuff etc that I forgot why I wanted to leave. Tom will be another letter day.

There are things that I really wanted to do soooo badly while I was working... but as the time of my freedom approaches, I find that I am too tired - mentally, emotionally and physically to do them. Yet I am afraid that if I let myself go too much... ie laze around at home, indulge in games and sleep, then I would lose the focus that I have. The type of focus that working imbugues one with. The DRIVE that was fueled by my anger, dissatisfaction, ambitions and dreams.... not to mention the bitches that almost drove me crazy, but yet I directed all the humilation, seething anger and negative energies into a DRIVE that FOCUSED me to live through the dark days... to look forward to something else. That though I cant find it in my current position, that I will STRIVE to find it elsewhere. I hope not to relax too much...

Once a former collegue asked me why cant I live a free n easy life? Why is it that I am always sooooo serious and tense? My answer from the bottom of my heart: " If I can throw away everything and just lead a life that is not so focused, I might. But why must I be like U? What works for u, what defines u? Should u use that as the parameters to judge me? I am just being myself... I dun really enjoy being me, but just becos there are lesser of pple like me, then I am living life wrongly then? I beg to differ. There are definitely more than 1 way to live a life. Time is fair to all, though life might not be fair. I choose to lead my life the way that is truest to me at that point, at that moment. Though I might look back later and regret certain decisions and actions.... but hey, I am not perfect. I didnt say so. I am Human after all and I err. The only 3 things that I hope for is to be brave enough to charge forward to the unknown, to live in the present and appreciate family and pple around me. Those whom our paths crossed and parted. That we might never see each other again, or meet as strangers somewhere else. But I have lived, laughed and cried, suffered and enjoyed, be true to myself, and that is all that matters... When we die, who is there to judge whether we have led a good life, lived most meaningfully... I believed we are the only judge for our own lives.

(what am I trying to say here? I dunno...)

Today I am really really really down in the pits... Why? Cos early in the morning, after renovating, I have no seat. So I just sat at a chair near to current unit, ie near to the aisle. Basically there are some cupboards, so in the space, there was a seat, so I sat there for 20 mins, watching them unpack, clean their tables etc.

The feeling is not something that can be easily described... its like 'hello, i know i dun have a seat,$^#*$ I worked quite hard here and I dun have a seat... No indications etc... even when my Sup came in and started to tidy her place... so I continue sitting there sms-ing friends. Until Sup of Unit C came and told me to sit at the DE area... I was like, really? there is a DE area... Why the freaking F#*$ didnt anyone tell me anything. Okay so when I sat down, my morale was already super low.... Dammit, shitty Monday. Already I am looking forward to Saturday and my last day at this freak show. Why cant last Friday be the last day...

So I purposely slacked a bit, do things slower and went for more drink and toilet breaks. Then I started... I was given a task to do... basically it involves over a hundred files, and I had to do some stuff with it. So I have been busy doing that for the past 3 weeks. Then my Sup just walked up to me and said that it might not be needed anymore due to some changes... so basically I have some salvage work to do... Got to file back those files, update some list etc. Basically all that I did was almost for naught. So now my feelings are a mix of numbness and darkness cum despair. Well I just went ahead to do slowly... making sure that I can stretch the job to last until dayend. Which I eventually did.

Well lunch was interesting, I got to know the new intern gal in the dept, but different sub-unit. She's just 1 week into the job, and she felt that its SHIT. Yep CRAP I agree with her wholeheartedly. So me, her and another contract staff.. all went to eat lunch, complaining of our jobs. Not the details but abt the general aspects like long hrs, no OT, cannot click with the rest cos really like different frequencies.. I made a remark which I felt is really true...."Previously another contract staff friend told me that I looked unhappy in office. So previously there was only one unhappy person in office, then more pple came in and now we got more unhappy pple." At this point, all of us ended up laughing. (of course, the current count I am sure of is 5, including me. All around the same age, generation, though most try not to show it)I am convinced that there is really a Generation-Gap....

I will brave thru my remaining 16 days.

If my senses are as acute as what the earlier job survey said I was, then I know with great certainty that I wont be offered anything... Huh? But it doesnt take much to guess, Mr Sherlock Holmes.

Elementary my dear blog readers.... Lemme analyse the situation on hand. We begin first with the initial assessment: The first clue was that the accused was unknowingly showcasing her unhappiness with the work thru her readable body language, lack of smile and a face that could only be described to be 'as black as a witches' cauldron'.

The next clue came when a few collegues advised that she should 'lighten up' and mix around, 'showcase more personality, u know'.... Following that, there was no feedback cum follow-up with the project. These clues all point to her unpopularity. Not to mention that some bitches just seemed out to get her. Striking when they can.

The accused braved on, inspite of the precariously high levels of crap she was swimming in (Actually I cant swim)... The final and undenialbe piece of the puzzle came when her Sup asked her casually what would she be doing after this? Her reply was pretty much like 'bum around, still have to look for work, if no tuition grant bond, would choose to be a tuition teacher also, want to rest cos worked very hard, want to study some courses but have to find a means to finance them.... blah blah (so not leaving much of any positive impression eh?) To continue, near the end of the day, one nice collegue told her that the entire unit would like to have dinner with her, sometime next mth. (something like a farewell dinner, some sort of appreciation i guess)

So putting two and two together, it seems highly unlikely that the accused would be offered anything at all, with exception of a dinner...

But that's not the end of her story, Dear Watsons... In fact her life's story is just beginning.

My last weekend was one remembered for watching movies and sleeping.

Watched 'Vanhellsling' on Friday after work, while waiting friends, and was sorely disappointed by the paper-thin plot. Even the CG effects were boring after a while. Yep its true that the first 15mins were the best in the movie. Everything is so cliche... I could have written my own 'YennHellSwing' story (a cool, and daring monkey), set in the mytical and dark setting of the Office.... Where moi the lone heroine struggles to find salvation admist eternal darkness pepertrated by numerous evil fiend (bitches). Will she find the evil 'Boredkilla' and slay thee or rescue her 'Measley Salary'? Stay tuned.... ;P

Also watched 'Troy' with Quetzal on Sat. Not really blown away or impressed. In fact, the whole movie seems obessed with showcasing Brad Pitt's well-toned body, torso and butt. Add the other two male lead, orlando bloom and dunno, as well. The story is too narrowly focused on a few characters esp Brad that I felt like I was watching a soap opera. Man, the trojan horse that is the heart of the Troy story we all are familar with made such a brief appearance, that it almost is irrelevant. I really admire the scriptwriter how he could stretch the story for so long.... abt 3 hrs for a story of a horse, city and Archilles... Still intent to go for the up-coming Shrek 2 and Harry Potter.

Everytime I hang around town, I usually reach home around 12am and I didnt want the day to pass just yet, so I might stone, read, exercise... Basically sleep bloody late like 2-3am... Great, until I woke up early, due my biological alarm clock.... only to curse myself for waking up so bloody early in the morning, even though I didnt have to work, no tuition and yet couldnt get back to sleep. My promise to 'sleep like a dead person' or 'dun ever want to wake up' are always eluding me.

Hopefully I can sleep all I want soon........

Today, was another duh day. Some sort of renovation going to come, so unit A needs to pack. Since I finished my work and have nothing to do, first thing in the morning, started packing stuff into boxes. Cleared cabinets, rearrange stuff. In fact I tidied up my 3rd cupboard since I started. At first its okay loh, not that I have not done it before but the irritating one was when at the end of the day, I had to carry some of the packed and heavy box back to a room to be locked up. I was already quite tired by then. Others did help so did my Sup. But for more tedious stuff, they gave bief instructions and I do the packing, rearranging. I hope u all get the picture. Basically I helped do most of the packing until near lunch, then I did data entry and printing.... Then at the end of the day, helped carry stuff back to room. Not that I am against carrying heavy stuff. In fact I help around home alot by carrying heavy stuff, eg grocery shopping, heavy bamboo poles. It is not that cos I am a graduate, I am too TAO to carry boxes and pack. But it is more of the feeling that I am capable of more things, yet asked to do something so menial, mundane. I guess that is that feeling that really cause my dissatisfaction.

On the other hand, I find that though I dun care anymore, I feel more relaxed abt the work. Cos I know it will end soon... Another 19.5 days. Then I will rest a while to get rid of all the negative energies, feelings and fatigue before I continue on my way.

Well I was reading thru my latest entry, the one with the test result. It is pretty accurate, abt 85% right, esp since I already realised that I had these types of tendencies. I roughly know my own style, hence I am really trying to find a job/organization that really value these tendencies.

Interestingly or to no surprise, most of the stuff that motivates me are not there in my workplace, but instead it is filled with demotivators.... But the results seem to suggest to me that I am not Daring enough, just want to maintain status quo. I would disagree. Though I respect authority, somehow I am a Rebel in heart. I really hate status quo, esp if it's not broke, dun fix attitude.

In my current workplace, I stayed on at a price..... a price that is very high indeed.... Empathy and despair

At first. I went in wanting to prove something. Wanting to succeed in the project that I was supposed to be involved in... I was highly motivated and focused cos I signed up for it willingly. Then initially nothing abt the project was told to me, I was doing temp work for abt 1.5 mths. Then 'assigned' to another unit to help out with more temp work. Though I was given time to work on the project. I already tried my best then, with my limited time, information and understanding to write a report with recommendations, which I handed over to my Sup. Then nothing happened for the next 2 mths. No feedback, no nothing.

At that time, all I was doing was temp work at the other unit, suffering from unrealistic timing and menial tasks, and stern telling off... with degrading tone used, treated with hostility.... by the few bitches there. Blamed for missing files... Many a times I despaired and contemplated quitting. But what held me back was 2 things: I still had the project, half done, which nothing was told to me, and the willpower n determination, not to give-in to bitches. Though i didnt realize it then, I lost something in staying on. Empathy started to take root, I didnt really care anymore. I didnt have anymore illusions abt them coverting or whatever. I lost the want n will to stay on in the organization. Not anymore. That explains why I cannot picture myself working there anymore after my internship is up. U just dun feel like working there anymore. Somehow I am willing to brave the turmoil of the employment market again.

Now, just a bit more of time before it all ends, and so far the project is stagnating. Frankly after working so hard during the working hours, often beyond. By the time I reached home, I dun want to try to improve on the project. Its no point. No feedback, no nothing.... The last time I asked, I got a not-so-nice response from her..... I also realized later on after working at both units, that the issues that I am trying to tackle are too complex and involves too many parties etc. It is not really implementable with no help from my Sup. The only thing that I got back was a list. Then still no feedback.... I am now guinea pig. Sup trying out new policies eg the list.... Monday is going to be another surprise for me... Just told simply that I was to do something, yet no details provided. Just what do they treat me as. But then again I am becoming too empathic to care anymore. I will still try while I am in office, but beyond the hrs, I guessed I have given up trying. I just try to get enough rest and muster enough courage to face up to work. I feel sadden that I cannot see any progress in the project... I cannot help reduce the workload of the perms in current unit, no long term solution for the problem that I can clearly see, yet have no clear-cut answer for. Sign.... And to think that I had dropped 3 offers to do this internship, cos I genuinely thought that it would benefit me. Bakana saru (stupid monkey)

I do notice that I have become stronger, mentally and emotionally. Maybe I am not as naive or wide-eyed compared to when I just graduated. My pride, ego and feelings have been hurt many a times, that somehow I drew the line, and am not that vulnerable anymore. My dreams and determination still keeps me going, though I may stop at times. Unexpectly I have lost quite some weight. First off I dun eat breakfast cos my stomache not strong in mornings. Then lunch, I just seem to lose my appetite, so its very light. Only dinner is normal, though it can be quite late: I ever had dinner at 11pm before. Then everytime I too stressed, pissed or tired, I would do abt half hour of exercise. Mostly with weights. So somehow I managed to lose weight. But i dun feel different, still as tired, stressed, pissed. Except when I step on the scales, then am surprised tahat I weigh lighter. Never been so 'light' before, oh well, maybe I will reach my ideal weight soon.

" The candidate must have analytical skills, excellent verbal and written communication skills, must know XXX computer software programme.... blah blah...have 2-5 years work experience........"

so says the ABC job ad I saw.....

So lemme reassess myself in light of what the Job wants... and see if I have all that they want.... Of course no lah. They are asking for the PERFECT person. If I have all these qualities, then why am I looking at your job offering. I would have been head-hunted long ago, earning at least 50K per annum. Well I just have to find some means of going into what I want to.

As I opened my email, I saw this employment assessment, at JobsDb, so I tried and decided to put in this blog, to remind myself what sort of employee am I. (not to mention that I tire of complaints abt current job)


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Summary Soo Y.L, your responses indicate that you are very persistent, creative, and able to relate to key issues in large scale activities. If you are called upon to develop long-range planning, your keen sense of timing and ability to produce practical, time saving innovations assists you. You communicate in the manner of a teller rather than a persuader, and you prefer to interact in one-on-one relationships and in small groups. You come across as warm and friendly.


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Communication Style Soo Y.L, you are an attentive and perceptive listener. You tend to be sensitive to other people's feelings. When speaking, you avoid conflict by choosing your words carefully. You are especially skillful at maintaining harmony. Your style of persuasion is diplomatic and tactful.
Also, Soo Y.L, you are reserved and prefer to communicate with people one-on-one. You need to be spoken to and listened to in a respectful tone.

Your style of communication is easy-going and indirect. You express yourself in a calm, caring, and consistent manner.

Soo Y.L, you feel that cooperation and teamwork are very important, and you set clear time frames to complete projects. You plan actions carefully, allow for time considerations, and maintain harmonious relations with colleagues.

You function best when reporting to a strong leader. You are good at prioritizing work, establishing routines, and getting things done on time.



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Leadership Style Leadership Style: Mentor
You perform your leadership role by accepting whatever comes your way, adjusting to it and then pushing ahead with persistence. You regard timing as very important and this is reflected in your expertise in planning and then in pursuing your goals. You freely delegate details and may be disinclined to delegate authority. You require some time to be alone in order to think of new methods to accomplish your goals.


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Conscientiousness You balance solid, goal-oriented achievement and a relaxed approach to life. You may fluctuate between periods of highly motivated, achievement-oriented activity and periods of more easy-going behavior. Alternatively, you may demonstrate a sustained, moderate level of effort toward your goals. While you may not demonstrate an intense desire for achievement for its own sake, you are able to summon a sense of purposefulness and self-discipline when needed. The level of your positive motivation toward achievement may depend on the task or situation.


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Motivational Needs Soo Y.L, you tend to be motivated when your personal efforts contribute to overall organizational goals. You prefer that your organization's structure be secure and steady. You desire to work in an environment distinguished by teamwork and compatibility. You are most productive in a harmonious, cooperative, and stable work environment. You respond positively when encouraged to use creativity in projects, and when there are no sudden changes in pace or workload.

You can be demotivated if excessive pressure is exerted on you at the last minute. Personality conflicts among co-workers can negatively impact your productivity. You may be less motivated in environments of rapid or sudden change. You can be frustrated by unrealistic expectations, or by frequent interruptions.
Primary Motivators
• An environment where there is harmony and cooperation.
• A minimum of conflicts and a steady, stable structure.
• A pace set for you with no sudden or abrupt changes.
• Forewarning of changes so that there is sufficient time to adjust.
• Encouragement in regard to creativity.
• Knowing how your personal efforts contribute to overall goals.
• Validation of self-worth.

Primary Demotivators
• Constantly pressured at the last minute.
• There are too many personality conflicts.
• There are too many sudden changes.
• Expectations are too high and/or not clear.



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Emotional Intelligence Soo Y.L, your responses indicate that you tend to recognize your own emotions, moods, and drives as they occur. Furthermore, you tend to understand the emotional makeup of others, and to accurately sense what other people are feeling. You are able to attune your own style to the emotional reactions of others. You perform accurate self-appraisals of your talents and abilities.

Notice that all sounds very positive. If I wanted to know more, the catch is that I have to pay $90 bucks to know. Nope, thank you.

*Heave a huge sign.... anger metre rising, pumping iron... In need of a chill out asap

Why?

I dun know why is it that there are dysfunctional pple around me, and they like to 'takan' me.

Scene of crime 1: Office, Wed, early morning
Suspect: Printer and paper

Had to sit at another seat cos no free terminal at A (current unit - A, other unit where i slogged - B, got another unit -C) so had to sit at C. One dysfunctional B***H behind me. I know of her existence and she knows of mine, but we have not talked before. So using their printer, then printer jam.

B*TCH: " Eh? Our printer never jam for long time already... Why when u first time use, then jam? Dun come and spoil our printer."

Internal Bleeding: "......"

(I was wondering what was the big deal, so I took out the jammed paper. I felt she shouldnt have immediately pointed the finger at me as if my fault. Fault for what, cause a jam? Duh.... But I was irritated that the first thing she says to me, infront of Unit C's Supervisor is to point and blame me for a paper jam. What did I ever do to her? Damn her..... So that nite I pumped iron until my anger subsided. I was wary of her after that.)

Crime Scene 2: Office, same seat, after lunch, thursday
Suspect: Hot weather outside and cold air-conditioning in office, coughing fits

After lunch, I started having a coughing fit, cos outside is a bit warmer then I return to office environment, so often I start coughing. Or it was something I ate. But I just kept coughing.... for longer than an hour. But after a few loud coughs.... that B*tch made another comment to another collegue just beside.

B*tch: "Wah she cough like that, before X (the owner of my current seat) returns, have to wipe and kill the germs."

Internal Bleeding: "......cough....cough...." (continue to do work even though hear the statement clearly)

(Lemme ask u. Do u think she has a grudge with me. So what if I cough. Its not in your face. Its not your desk. Who ever asked for ur opnion. Just shut your bloody trap. Me already having a very hard time controlling the coughing fit, and coughing with so much exertion, dun feel so good as keep on coughing, and u still add oil to fire. I really felt like challenging her to a fist fight. What is her fucking problem? Pple cannot cough right. Must ask for permission to do so. Go to hell u bitch. U deserve hell for that poisonous tongue that spills forth hurting remarks thoughtlessly.)

So here I am fuming again at that statement. Okay for the first one, maybe like what my sis said, I am too sensitive. But this second incident only serves to convince me and anyone else that she dun like me and dun want to make me feel welcome. HEY come on, I only sitting there until another seat can be found. I wont interupt ur work, so what is the big fucKing deal?)

In the end, I am here blogging, trying to channel my anger, irritation, and immense dislike n saddness into something more constructive. Maybe I'll kick my bro to play PSII, after this.

Sometimes I am amazed and yet surprised at myself:

AMAZED:

Cos somehow I find the courage and will to face up to another workday even though I was terribly hurt/angered/pissed/xian at the end of the previous workday. I dug deep inside to find the strength to carry on..... Inspite of the very very bad incidents of being blamed, told off by numerous bitches..... pms... dysfunctional... crazy....

For this strength, I am very thankful to my family and friends who listen to me curse and swear at the incidents. Must have numberous complaints already. I must also recognise the contributions by my PSII, Blog, Comics, Gackt songs and Game themesongs, that when I listen, I found some inner peace, and smoothe my anger yet put me in focus again.

Surprised

That somehow I am human with feelings. Huh? why surprised? Cos I always thot of myself as a controlled individual, with little feelings. Not to mention that I dun show much emotional on my 'frowning and stern' face. But once I started work, certain incidents really caused me to flare up tremendously, despair and almost overwhlem with saddness, feel glad that the hard work seems to pay, and lost with no directions feel that everything is pointless and going nowhere. I can feel? But i guess not so much shows, but is inside. So i complain n complain.... Hope friends dun become too burdened by these revelations.

In spite of all these bitches, there are still nice pple around. They are the ones that heals u, and pushes u on. I am very grateful to those in Unit A. Will think of getting something for them when I leave, esp one.

But sometimes I wonder, when I work- Do I belong to the Bitch camp or the other camp that are decent pple who can motivate and help others. Sign I really dun know.....

Small step:

Highlighted my hair ($65)

Middle step:

Bought more alcoholic chocolate ($15)

Big Picture:

Broke saru (monkey) with no peanuts, (:P) but happy? drunk?

Yep just did my hair. Though I chose a dark colour, when it came out, it was quite light. Then when i went to work on mon, a few noticed and commented nice. Some didnt notice until a few hours later.... Well it seems to 'light' up my face. I quite like it also, hmm maybe I should take more pics and wear some 'cool' clothes, metallic jewellery etc. Heheh.... If only I could find the energy to do so.

Today a bit xian cos the day passed so slowly, if only i was in paradise instead. Well lunched with some collegues, the new or not-so-new collegues who are around my age. They did ask me, so i hop along. To my surprise, while they chatted, they also mention that the time pass slowly, hours long. They also felt their brain turning mushy, not much skills used. Hmm i genuinely thot that only I felt this way. They also complain abt leave, and me also, about the lack of leave. One was surprised when i mentioned that sometimes the time passed so slowly... esp when trying to find things to do. There arent no shuai ges to look at. And dun sit facing the window, so no nice view to see. Well so I am human after all, there are pple out there who share my thots. I dun feel so alone anymore?

Well still have a long week ahead, will be gluping down more alcoholic chocolates, gin coke and coffee until the weekends.

Hmm I feel like learning Muay Thai if I have the chance. Need to find info? Anyone? Time, venue, cost.

Lastly hope I dun overspend, otherwise cannot afford my electric guitar at the end.