My Flaw - The Sense of Frustration

One of the feelings that I really really hate and have low tolerance for is the sense of Frustration. This is one very obvious flaw in me.

This happens especially when I am learning things and I cant seem to get it right. The anxiety to get it right, coupled with the lower tolerance for failure, meant that I feel FRUSTRATED when I cannot get something right. The irony is that I enjoy learning, new stuff, new experience, yet its often most often in the learning aspect where I encounter Frustration.

Yes I experience quite a lot of frustration these few months of learning. In Jap and in Guitar, at times driving. Frustration meant I frown ALOT and my temper flares up. Maybe not so much for driving but alot for guitar and japanese. At times I feel near tears also at the sense of frustration and my inability to get it. I know I am nowhere perfect or talented in all aspects but just that I wish I was at times but yet I am reminded of being a mere mortal when there are things that just dont seem to sink in straight away or even with repeated banging, doesnt seem to go in.

Then I would try to put it aside for a short while before I pick it up again most likely on the same day. I would not go without a 2nd try. Yet there are times when even a 2nd attempt at it doesnt work. The frustration can really magnify. Then at times like these, thoughts of giving up arise. I then really have to 'pick myself up' and 'cheer on' to try again, probably the next day after a sleep-off to let things sink in and also to let the sense of frustration abate. Its easier if there are others to pick one up but think dont have a soul-mate to do that, so have to rely on oneself to dig in to find the strength or just have to re-think certain aspects.

In Japanese, I am frustrated when I cant seem to remember the rules, the forms, the grammar types and been failing in the practice papers for several weeks. What I did was I studied a set of notes before I sleep. Then look through again the following night and add another set of notes. I did that dilligently, keep reviewing and reviewing every set that I finished then add on one. Did that for 7 sets out of 11 sets. Things kinda stalled this week. Keep feeling tired especially this week. No wonder keep hitting brick walls after brick walls of frustration. But the silver lining is that I managed to pass the most recent practice set of paper, failing slightly for the listening. I will try to finish up the remaining 4 sets of notes in the next few days and keep reviewing daily.

In Guitar, I am also frustrated cos of change in instructor hence the style of teaching is very very very different, with alot of extra stuff he teaches his students which I didnt really encounter until I joined, the timing which meant I am feeling sleepy whenever I go for Sat class, esp when go out late on friday and the fact that the things learnt are really tough for me. I must admit IF I can overcome this obstacle and really get it, it would mean I can improve BUT I have to clear through that MT FRUSTRATION. The lack of proper musical theory and foundation and exposure made it much harder for me and it requires skill in application and improvising, rhythmn sense and others. I seriously havent thought about how to 'work it out' except by biting the bullet, meet the frustration head on, the next time I pick it up, and trying to practice until I get it somewhat. It just means alot of frustration everytime I pick up the guitar to practice. I have to split into various times (cos of frustration) and practice a few sessions in a day, that is if I pick myself up enough to pick up the guitar. Then just when I thought I got it, go for guitar class and during it, feel frustration rear up when something else comes up... and at times build-on from the thing that I somewhat only just grasped from previously. Really frustrating when I cant get it that well but the rest can grasp it easily... Sian

After all these rants, I think I somewhat feel better from this whole sense of frustration cloud that hung on me, after I tried to work on the rhythm sense thingy on my way back in the train. End up very frustrated. Then I start to feel very sian, feel like giving up, feel like I am a failure. Then I have to chide myself and tell myeself that DESPITE all these frustration and a sense of helplessness about the brick walls that I am hitting, I am moving forward. OVERALL I am improving, moving forward, just that not at the pace I would like it to be.

I just have to accept that into my thick skull and massage my bruised ego. and pick myself up again to bang at that WALL again.