Feeling Lost again...

*warning, deep heavy thoughts and issues that writer is currently feeling intensely*

Nowadays I go to work with a heavy heart. In fact the night around eight or nine, my thoughts drift back to work tomorrow. "How should I do this, teach this concept etc, where to get my newspaper article etc" Then I feel very sian. Cos my thoughts are somewhat dominated by observations, lesson plans and other teaching issues. Yet I dun want to think about them in my spare time BUT then again I am 'forced' to do so because there are things to get done.

Underlying this feeling of lost seems to be several unresolved issues or worries. I am still trying to figure them out so dun mind the gibberish.

Maybe one aspect would be this search for something meaningful for me. I want to do something I like. Yet I really wonder if the job I am currently having is really the ONE I wanted? Maybe I am just bored. The workplace is somewhere I have been for almost a year. There is nothing very new or exciting for me. There are still things to learn but not as much as going to somewhere else. Yet that cannot answer this emptiness entirely. Then within the job, I am having doubts of my ability to do a decebt job. Being told that I am too chalk-talk doesnt help this at all too. So somewhat I am a bit discouraged... Yet on a deeper level, I am tired. Mentally and emotionally. Why? Cos I struggle with this emptiness and feeling of lost and sometimes I wonder if there is any meaning in anything at all, and try to pinpoint exactly what I would like to do... So it gets pretty tiring after a while. Why cant I numb myself. Just get on with the drugeries of life, just get through the routine? Why even struggle against things u cannot change immediately? Yet I struggled. And got pretty tired. I guess I will always struggle cos I want freedom. The freedom of choice. Yet sometimes I wonder if this choice of choosing this job was really mine in the first place: not another one planted to me sublimally, something done due to the expectations of others, a choice out of necessity than real choice. Somehow when I look in, I am not sure this was entirely my own choice. Then at work, no choice got to do and finish certain things though I dun even feel like doing eg doing up lesson plans, wrecking my brains for ideas to impress... or to better improve. I guess I am tired of thinking, of reflecting and of doing. But then again who wouldnt want to have more free time.

Yet when I reached home, somehow I am not able to detached work. Am doing work on weekends especially Sundays. Sometimes Saturdays too. My weekends dun feel like weekends anymore. Work encroaches upon it. My free time on weekdays are not much. Reached home around three. Time is taken up by a hour nap, then as soon as I wake up, would start thinking of work issues, lessons. Yet I would not start to do anything, just thinking. Mostly not starting as I couldnt make up my mind on some issues, a sort of paralysis is happening here. It is starting to get to me. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not working 24/7 so shouldnt think about work during my personal time. Like I cannot enjoy anything cos at the back of my mind are these thoughts of work, and even before I fall asleep, work do creep up in my mind, worse still when I wake up the next day. Am I gong mental? Yet the irony is that at my workplace, I am having this mood that I dun feel like doing anything. Well still marked and stuff but my preparations for lesson plans are starting to lag behind. I wonder if this is from the anxiety of the last 2 observations that I would still have to get through? Some sort of ampathy cum anxiety. I've asked the other trainee with me. She shares alot of similar thoughts and feelings and the general tiredness. Occupational hazard?

For now I still cannot pinpoint what exactly is bothering me... There are many issues happening concurrently. Will I be happier elsewhere? Dunno but I do know that if I can stop working. I will stop thinking about all these issues. Am I having some break-down? Maybe just work fatique? Or just trying to break away from the societal chains that bounds my free spirit to a job and an income?

I seek some answers. Do share your thoughts on these issues with me. I think I need some advice...