Pek Ciak @ everything esp Work

I dunno really if there is only 1 factor, but I have been feeling very Pek Ciak at most things nowadays, especially so at work.

Thinking carefully through, there are many reasons for me feeling frustrated. The frustration is building up to the point that I am rather unsmiley and tired at work. I am trying to come to grips with the underlying issues and hopefully continue to do work without killing myself. I was so close on Friday to just giving in to the temptation of just dropping everything. Had that impulse to drop everything and just be free to sleep and do things that I like...

I've thought through and these are the issues:

1) The workplace is too rigid and sterile. No music to be played. Staffroom is pin-drop silence except for conversations in jap. I just wanna shut everything out at times. Imagine that is the only place to stay in from morning until evening, made even longer on days that I don't / can't go out for lunch meaning my work hours got even longer.

2) A local collegue is leaving. With her gone by the end of this month, the room that we usually hide out at would be gone, thus contributing to more unhappiness. Also I talk to her alot cos the other local collegue is on part-time. With her gone, I am left with myself from 3.30pm onwards. I am not really that sociable but its not easy to have conversations with other collegues about the most superfluous of things. I would rather talk to myself really.

3) The bloody term is super long. 16 weeks! My body is obviously still tuned to local duration of 10 weeks. By now, I am super tired. Facing the "Can it be holiday already" and starting to be plagued by illness due to fatique. Then its only just half way. Jap collegues cannot understand that even though I lived through 1 year of it doesnt mean that I am automatically able to tune my body to that. So the fatique is adding to my unhappiness.

4) The whole contract fisasco left me with a very negative impression and forebaring of this new year of working on full-load. What surprised me was how just adding "Homeroom" to my hours increased the amount of fatique so much more. It meant daily going into the classroom twice (in the morning b4 lessons and in the afternoon b4 dismissal) for 45mins to just be there. There's no role to play inside except just stand and stare. I have resorted to reading a storybook but at the back of my mind, its a great bloody waste of time. Time that could be better used to plan lessons, get Real work done, rest the tired mind and body especially on heavy days. Not let myself have interupted breaks. So I find myself being even more dissatisfied.

5) The whole increase in load for a measley pay increase which includes Home room and being thrown into a committee plus having to attend Subject meeting and that stupid Communication meeting meant that I am doing so much more than before. Even if for some, I am just there, but those all eat into my time and energy. I cant shake the dissatisfaction that I should be paid more for all these. On top of me planning lessons for my own subject.

6) Though they have said that they cant stop us from lunching out. The sheer no of periods on certain days in the timetable meant that I cant go out to eat. That automatically increases my dissatisfaction. Cos I am one of those who need a time-out away from work that lunching-out provides. Its a chance to get out of the place, have a meal, then come back to it. By lunching-in, its not helpful that I dont get to change the mood, also it meant I am just having a half hour lunch instead of an hour. All these just contribute to the feeling of "a fucking long day and week that never seems to end"...

7) Certain potential issues that my counterpart and I mentioned to Mgt regarding this plan for us to teach the subject as a main teacher are now appearing. Due to the practice of just letting each level decide on their own, how each level wants to carry out the course, meant that my counterpart is suffering. For my case, cos the head is more capable and interprets differently, so I havent encountered those. The issues I am unhappy about are the poor planning of the Communication, the added homeroom and my zhuo bo ness in the cca. In her level, her counterparts kept distributing everythng 1/3 to make things 'fair' including asking her to set part of the exam, listening.

The potential problems that we already raised includes the fact that translation and even setting of the exam papers, we cant help much. Mainly because of the fact of not knowing the syllabus (purely in jap) and also language itself. These are genuine concerns we raised. Guess what, they are not relayed down to the respective levels. Though my level is not affected cos I think my head understands this. Her level is encountering it cos things are left up to interpretation. Shouldnt some things be clearly written down? If it is meant to be a system to be set up, shouldnt there be guidelines instead of just leaving things to interpretation? Its very silly and very short-sighted. I am irriatated cos it could affect me also plus it made her seem like the 'bad guy' for raising issues and issues again. We are just instant trees to plug certain holes with very short term.

8) The stability of this job also worries me. Things change on a whim. People change every 2-3 years, a new bunch of people come and go. Each new batch has their own ideas. No system, even though they are trying to set up a system, I dont see any progress. It's one step forward then 2 steps backward. Plus the fact that Headless might not be around next year and alot of the competent including my head are returning. Makes me wonder if I still have a job next year. This instability is causing dissatisfaction too.

This also affects how hard I want to work. On one hand, I want to do my job well but as it may not lead anywhere, be it a decent pay raise or even a job gurantee. Its making me very uncertain.

So all these are at the back of my mind. So many issues. Headless was telling my counterpart that she knows that I am irritated at her with the planning, but she has no real power to make changes to some of these issues. She also said that most of them are unhappy.

Its so sad an environment where the system is non-existent, the work environment sucked, the collegues are miserable and unhappy, the work remumeration is not satisfying. The irony its not the teaching aspect, in fact the students are good and lessons are smooth, with little problems. Its the work environment and the people that perpetuate it. Its really sad in that manner. Otherwise I think I would just be contented to stay on and just maybe be contented.

I was toying with the idea of being part-time if there is renewal. I am increasingly kinda sick of doing the cca (very boh) and homeroom (very boh and time consuming) I rather forfeit the $500 difference, and the 1 month bonus, and make it back by doing outside tuition like my collegue suggested. I do have concerns, with regards to future job prospects if I am on part-time. It might affect when moving to other jobs (being single and supporting myself, as opposed to a young working mother) It still meant that I have to work at 2 jobs to make back the income. It meant taking up 2 more assignments doing twice a week. Its at times like this I am thinking about if there are better things to do so I dont have to work so hard to earn just that amount (that is not high by the average standard) It boils back down to feeling 'underpaid'

I remembered how last year, I had more time to bake and cook up something for them. But this year, I have little energy after work. The things I look forward to is lunch and then going home. Today, I decided to make a Rum and Raisins Ice Cream, freeze it in the freezer and bring maybe on Mon or Tue to work to perk everybody including myself up a bit. There's really nothing much in the staffroom to be excited about. Really. I know that its up to oneself to make oneself happier and things easier but sometimes its very hard. Hope they will like it. (There's quite a number of new collegues as a whole bunch of 7-8 staff left, most to return to Japan after 3 years here, some left cos contract not renewed) Kinda sad that time spent to build up certain ties and friendliness are not lasting. Everytime got new people, have to build up again... This fleeting form of working relationship is tiring to keep making and stuff.

Increasingly on especially tiring days, I find myself buying an "Anchor Smooth" beer to drink at dinner time to 'stop' my brain from thinking about all these issues. Its really nice tasting, like a Draft beer. Plus its really cheap! A non-chilled is about $1.80 per can. A chilled one is $2.30. I just bought a half dozen pack yesterday. I was feeling totally pek ciak after a week of the work issues and also guitar lesson was trying... drank one can on the bus ride back home. I actually headed to NTUC to buy food to make my breakfast. I threw a 6-pax Anchor Smooth into my basket, including ham, lettuce. Almost threw in 3 boxes of Magnum Mini cos its a dollar off usual. But luckily I refrained. Why 3 boxes? Apparently they come in 4 different boxes with 2 different flavours per box. Since I've tried the Liquer, there's still the Double chocolate and Double Caramel, the strawberry and choc, and another. Was tempted to buy them all so that I can eat all the flavours in a shot. Maybe that's just my lunch deprivation working again or just my shopping urge. My counterpart collegue was shocked by the sheer amount of canned drinks and snacks I bought to stock our cupboards. I bought 2.5 cartons of drinks, and 4 shopping bags full of snacks. I only drink the drinks, she snacks incessisently. She did pay me $40 for all the snacks and half of the drinks. I havent eaten even 1 small pack of snacks. Its mainly the canned drinks I drink though I tend towards Coke Zero mostly and just the occasional sugared soft drinks. Sighz I need to get back to doing a gym routine and diet soon. I've been eating too good food n need to watch the calories and fat content.