Changes in the dynamics of things.....

Within a short week, the dynamics of my current job has changed drastically.

The ball began rolling when my ex-mentor revealed to me that I am viewed very favourably by the P. Frankly I didnt know what I did to impress them. In fact at least for last year, my duties were so light that I was almost doing nothing compared to them. Then last term, though got more lessons and duties, still considered light compared to the perms. Quite concerned that the P even asked my ex-mentor why I look so tired nowadays. I would say its the running around between the projects previously and the weekly cca which the instructor is again causing us stress by overpromising and under-delivering.

Then shortly, I received the Teacher Training letter, which is the bond that trainees have to sign before they go into nie. I got this through the P recommendation. So I was kinda frantically looking around for a sporean gurantor which Krynnder agreed to be. Totemo Arigatogozaimasu!!!!

Just today, I received another letter. This letter is to inform me that I am converted to Permanent and earmarked for the next available nie intake, which means I will definitely go right in. Again this is upon the recommendation of the P.

Actually I dun want to be noticed. Just let me do my thing. I think sometimes its best that I dun know what is going on. Makes things less complicated. But then again, I can put that knowledge to use and steer myself out of harm's way. The good thing so far is that they leave me alone most of the time. I am rather aloof. I dun talk much unless with the few collegues in my area. Lunch, I am rather quiet with collegues that I am not so familiar with or not so trusted. Glad that they let me be thus far.

Hmm.... now i am feeling kinda semi-confused cum resigned state, cos it will be a year in nie plus 3 years of bond after the nie course. Which means 4 years. By the time i am free of the bond, I will be 28 years old. VERY OLD desune! Collegues tell me the years pass quickly. But sometimes on a bad day at work, one day seemed much too long. Well today is one. The current class I am taking is the end class and their behaviour is class is getting quite unmanageable. I wonder is it cos I am away from the class too often and too long, or that they are getting bolder. This one and a half week, I have been reliefing my collegues for all their lessons. Only today got a breather with one relief period.

My ex-mentor remarked that nowadays Educators have become part-time educators and full-time adminstrators. I think this point is valid. Today just had this super long meeting that is mostly crap cos it doesnt concern me (an untrained) but still have to sit in. Yet even for the perms, they dun really understand all the admin stuff that is going on. After that is some IT thingy which to me is a waste of time cos I am not an IT-idiot. One hour. Later is a sharing session which is again crap. So much crap for such a long time. I was listening but trying very very hard not to close my eyes and fall asleep. So tired and xian afterwards that I switched tuition. Even going for tuition is difficult sometimes cos the tiredness seeps in. Nowadays I have been changing the days frequently cos I am so tired that I feel I cannot give my best. Though I try to keep to weekdays but sometimes push to Sat. Just that this Sat got bond thingy so cannot. Otherwise I am very tempted.

Dunno why, been kinda of tired since the term started. Just dun feel as alert. Still doing more new things and learning along the way, but hope that its not empathy that is creeping in. Not really leh, just tired, plain tired. Dun think there will be much time to rest unless the long holidays come. Then its gonna be a crash course in nie. Its a one year course but cramp in more than 12 modules plus practicum within a short academic year that lasts about 9 mths. The other 3 mths are the breaks. I am hearing stories of 5-6 assignments due per week. Guess wont be much of rest either.

Sunday.... much dreaded day cos the day after is Monday and its usual blues.

(Moments ago, I took an innocent life....
............I am greatly saddened....

I thought that insect hovering right infront of my eyes was a mosquitoe and

lashed out. When I opened my palms, I saw an INNOCENT insect lying dead in

my palms. Blood was all over my hands.... Its a fruit fly. Oh no!!!!! I've killed an

innocent life!!!!! )

Okay I am bored. Tomorrow is just a few hours away. I cant play PS cos my sisters want to watch the apprientice. So I am online. Just got kicked out from Gunbound cos of server problems. So I was just surfing around when I took a life. It all happened in a flash. Life is so fragile. Amen.

After eating just one Koropo Bawang courtesy of Tab, I started coughing and voice deepened... It persisted until now. Wow. Now both my nose is clogged and my cough is loud with lots of phlegm. Lucky I have a speaker, it has saved me on numerous occasions.

Today is a quiet and slow Sunday. The only thing was that I woke up to the news of the Pope's death. An important religious figure. Dun worry I wont slime him or what. Hope he is with his saviour. My mom was saying that he's a great man cos he could apologise for the church's mistakes. I feel that is true. Okay end.

Anything else, bought and rented manga. Nothing else much happened unless u r interested in my Gunbound exploits. Life is kinda of routine, weekdays are taken up by work plus tuition. Inbetween work and tuition, I would take a nap. After tuition, its already late and time to sleep. Sat is taken up by Jap and going out. Sunday is stay-home day. It entails going out for either lunch or dinner with family, gaming, surfing net, manga or reading. Plain. Nothing exciting. But I am grateful to still spend time with family and friends. Its very easy to grow apart. Sometimes I wonder about how people with exciting lives live one day. Are theirs different from mine or the same? Or is it that I just have no LIFE? I dunno.

Omedetogozaimasu to Candle who has survived in KPO long enough to receive a bonus and sharing part of it with us. Please put the rest to good use cos its hard-earned.

Well for me, i am going back to my original class, really hope no more collegue go off for something and especially request for me to take their class. *keep fingers crossed*

My current mentor spoke to me and wanted to split the current class into two, she will take the weaker ones and me the better ones for maths lessons. Cos during lessons, the weak ones hold back the better ones and disrupt the class very very regularly. The CA tests was very bad. Only two passed for maths, english a handful and science a few. If there is no drastic action, the chance of the entire class going straight to EM3 is almost a certainty. Really, some of the kids just do not want to be saved, though both of us are trying to save them.

So what does this entails for me? Well it means that my teaching periods would go up, though my current mentor mentioned that she would take me out from engish and science. Basically i change from co-teaching to parallel teaching. For the former, it means you take turns to take the class, one is teaching, the other can sit behind or be absent. For the latter, it means class is conducted at the same time, both teaching two separate groups. Oh well at this point, I dun have a choice, its something new for me again. Have to try my best.

Just to mention something else that happened...

Soon next week, I would be signing up for the nie bond. Going into nie is almost a given. I would be bonding myself for a period of 2 or 3 years. Anyway I still have to serve that tuition grant bond thingy- to those uninformed, it means have to work in Spore for 3 years. So far I have knocked off about 1 year and 4 mths. And after my contract teaching ends, that would add up to 1 year 6mths. Still have 1.5 years to go. The good thing is that both can be served at the same time. So until the end of the bonds, I have no freedom to choose whether I want to work or not. What I can do is to make use of this time to open myself to learn more things that might come in useful in the future. Did i mention that my administrative skills acquired from business admin and from banking work experience has given me an advantage so far.

Worth mentioning is the work politics in play. My ex-mentor has been very nice to tell me bits and pieces of what is happening esp those that happened behind closed doors. It has provided me with more information that allows me to steer myself out of harm's way. But my lips are sealed about the information and I have not breathe a word to any collegue at all, even to the other untrained who are seen in a negative light. I try to hint at what is percieved to be wrong about a collegue... but she refused to listen, say she dun care anymore, once she gets into nie, she is free.... Unfortunately that thought which we all share is not really true. Hope she does get in also.

I just hope nothing big will come my way that requires me to put my butt on the line like the previous project. Cos I am happy with status quo and not have to 'prove' anything to anyone. I am still more concerned about the teaching aspect than others. More worried about the kids results and how to improve them and whether they can understand my lessons, whether the delivery is okay. But my hopes may be short-lived, there are a few projects lined up. At least 3 more. And which my cca is involved in two. And which the instructor sucks and I am weary of doing clean-up. Just pay me the $120+ dollars per hour and I will do a good job. Cos during last week's practice, I could control the students better and project my voice louder than the instructor. Then she is not sure of how exactly she wants them to act, so gives slip slop instructions or that she would pause for a fair bit to visualize how the thing is supposed to turn out. It is plain unprofessional. Waste of time. And she has the guts to have a ten mins break which can stretch to fifteen mins. Bloody hell. Pay me, pay me please..... I am only getting less than thirteen bucks an hour!!!!!

A long...............week that never seems to end....

Hey sorry for not blogging as regularly as I liked, but cos both my sisters are using the comp intensively for projects and gaming, hence I am unlikely to be able to touch the comp until a late time like now. Currently I am the only one still awake, hence I quickly blog.

My long week started from last wednesday. I am supposed to take over the class of a collegue until this friday. Minus the good friday, it means 6 days of teaching, not reliefing. The difference between teaching and reliefing is obvious but lemme explain for the benefit of all. When you go into a class for relief, u can just use time-killing activities to fill up the time. When the day ends, u walk out. No homework, no marking. Whereas when u go into for lessons, especially a full-day lesson. Numerous tasks are waiting to be done. First take attendance, then check who didnt hand up homework. Begin lesson intended for the day, monitor understanding, gotta make things interesting, and attend to numerous going-to-toilet calls, "teacher, he touch/hit/shit whatever me" complaints.... Gotta give them some activity time after explaining so that can monitor as well as give them a break, control noise levels..... I think you get the picture.

Well. So far behaviour-wise I am having a bit of time with a couple of boys. If I have it my way, I would have fed them unremorsefully to the crocodile pits we visited on Tue excursion OR flush them down the toilet bowl esp for one particular one. I have to pull his collar, shake a bit and raise my voice infront of the class to reprimand him today, cos he used some chain to hit his classmate. Also didnt do his work well.... I was warned abt him by the collegue. Great, except I was quite ill this few days from monday. It has been getting worse and the class is not helping much esp with this crap.

So from wed until today, I have taught besides Eng and Maths, PE, Music, SS, brought them to comp labs, Art and a full-day excursion to 3 places plus a lesson on borrowing money habitually. *faint* In this short time frame, I have marked 1 spelling, 1 mths worksheet, 2 english wb activity, 1 art. On monday, I had this strong deja vu feeling. In my mind, it was friday but in reality it was Monday only. So I had this funny feeling that my body was teleported from friday to a monday. Damn shack. My ex-mentor says that its becos I am unwell. So the day feels very very long.

Today almost buckled over from feeling sooooo very ill. At first I was alright when I woke up. For the past few days, I have been going home as early as I can to rest. (but i stayed until around 3-4 daily to mark) and concus on bed for the entire day. So I feel better at night. But when I wake up for work. I wake up with a bad cough, blocked nose and it gets much worse into the day. Especially after lessons. Not really during but after. Tomorrow might be an mc cos I really wanted to just throw in the towel. My health is just as impt as the kids yah. If i dun rest, later spoil my body, who pays? (yep so what Tab drew on her blog is true. I do envy full-time tuition sometimes)

On the whole, this is a good exposure to the full load of a teacher. But frankly speaking, I dun want to experience it so early. Basically its 'sai keng' (clean shit) But for the kids, oh well. I have already tried my best. So if tomorrow I cannot make it, i tried. I think the whole staff room know that I am ill, cos i was coughing quite badly and look shack and pale. Damn weather. One moment hot, the next moment cold. See how I feel tomorrow when i wake up, if still like shit, then its time for mc. (the other 2 contract have more mc than me. I have 3 mc for Jan cos very sick then. Its almost April. Even some perms have more mc than me.)

Time flies when U are having a Holiday

and soon the holidays, however long comes to an end. Tomorrow marks the start of another 10 intense weeks of work. THEN it will be BYE BYE and off I go towards nie, i think... Until then I still have to survive out 10 weeks of being a Jack-of-all-Trades and role play my numerous roles.

Events up for this week, 5 days of taking a P2 class, using the pilot method of teaching. Then have to take them for remedial for next monday. Cca might be moved to monday.... still pending and not finalized. Just great.... if i have remedial, then cca, then by tuition, I can just die. Yep and that is happening next monday... (sign) Hmm I am supposed to accompany one class for an excursion trip that was postponed to this term. Dunno when though. Another round of assembly duties, road-crossing duties and recess duties. AND u think that Educators only do admin work.

Hmm anything worth mentioning about my short-lived holidays....

Went to the creative sale and was initially tempted to buy a Zen mp3 player. But after trying out the interface, the sound, the fm radio. Me and my sister both agreed that the key pad is too sensitive. We tried out all of the mp3 players and found only 3 that fitted our needs and demands. However the price tag of $279 and $499 were too much to bear. Not to mention the extremely long queue of people queueing up to pay deterred us from even buying. There were easily 500 plus people... Well in the end, we decided that it was a want, not a necessity so we went home. Incidentally we went down at 8am and was surprised to see over 100 people waiting in line for the star buys. We went to eat breakfast and jalan around. When we went back round 12pm, we were surprised to see another 100 plus people waiting for tomorrow's star buy... Okay I am not as kiasu as them. I value my time more now that I am working. I rather pay a bit more.

Initially I wanted to go back to NUS to go Y-Nan Ren hunting. The mission, to capture his handsome face with a camera and sell the photo to my sister for a fortune. (evil laughter) The rough plan was to first get my hands on a digital camera with an extremely powerful zoom, ie Tab's brother's 12x zoom. But he needed it so no equipment. Okay Plan B, to go down to NUS to bio him instead. Fine except when it came down to that time, I was too glued playing my PS One game and feeling kinda stone from the late nights and long hours... that i decided to procrastinate until another Y-Nan Ren day and predicatably the same thing happens. Or that bioing him does not rank very highly compared to my sleep, my game. Hence in the end, I didnt see him at all. My sister is heart-broken cos he is going on exchange program (damn u rich people.... can have car, have looks, have beautiful gf and go on exchange) I wanted to tell her to follow him to a foreign country, nothing to lose except at least $5-8K poorer. I havent told her yet but I dun think she would do so. We are not as rich as SOME PEOPLE..... We dun want to be a drain to parents.

Hmm anything else, nothing I gamed and gamed. Played PS and this weiqi game that I bought for my sister's birthday. The only thing though, we were each trashed thoroughly through. But it came a bit too late for I bought it only on Friday and installed on Sat. Maybe I will do more intense practice during the June holidays.

Well now eagerly and anxiously awaiting the arrival of GTT (Great Teacher Tan) who is now praying to whatever deities to pray to pass the interview. Hope she gets it. Then can have a friend studying together and stuff. I strongly advise a visit to the GuanYing Temple at Bugis area and qiu qian. Cos its kinda 'lin'. Maybe I should go to pray for a better term ahead. Not anymore of the crap I had last term.

Drugery of Life.........

Its a sad title to an issue that has been stuck deep in my heart for some time. Though try as I might to live out each day as it is, something is stirring deep within. A feeling, an odd one which tells me something is wrong. That this is not way I had intended to live out the rest of my days. But yet I know not how else to live it.

Maybe an appropriate name would be 'Quarter-life crisis', a term coined to describe youths who are in their early twenties, who have just graduated and worked for a few years. It seems that I am a likely sufferer of this.

An education system which encouraged diversity and daring-to-dream churns out cogs of different shapes and sizes, sadly yet they are individually hammered into place, to keep the mega machines working seamlessly. Wherein lies our individuality? Are we to turn a blind eye to what each cog stands for, or forgo that to maintain the order? A superficial order built upon shattered dreams and broken cogs...

Paths that once diverged out endlessly like maendering steams now converge as time seeps by. Dreams that once fuelled ambition now are kept preciously deep within the heart. They are not forgotten sadly, though a better fate. Fated to be taken out and dusted whenever thy heart pains too much...

Reality and Dreams cannot co-exist, how many of us are really what we set out to be? It is an epic struggle that rages within. When dreams and ideals are shelved into the laden heart, what else does this existence entails? Nothing... but an empty shell of the individual who used to reside within.

When I looked into my heart for my dreams, I am greatly saddened... For all that I have high hopes are shattered, ideals and dreams. Hope seems bleak. Reality did not conform to my dreams and expectations. Sadder still, I know not how else to be. There are any paths it seems yet not one is for me. I trudged on hoping to make progress in life, yet I dare not dream of the future anymore. For now I know, that dreams comes with both a price and a time span. The price counted in hours and minutes, and a validity that fades with passing time.

Just as time passes by so easily, hence more dreams reached their validity and the price pulls higher.

HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally..... after suffering soooooo long under students and a very intensive two solid weeks plus 2 saturdays of 7-5.30 work, the holidays have arrived. Am burnt out cos educators cannot take any leave during the term. So unlike private where just taking a friday or monday off, one can get a super long holiday, we cant. Our time comes when the school holidays are here. So I think it is fair. By right I should have been rejoicing yesterday but today is the day which everything accumulated into. How it went?

Well, really at this point, I dun care. I have reached the nervana of 'bo chiapness' that I wont even blink if the sky collapses. In fact I would be grateful if it happened to let me 'rest' forever, you know :P

Anyway today was another intensive day of 'feng sheng shu' going up and down numerous times. Though my duty for today was to stay at Project A's booth, but I was actually kept running down for Project B's stuff, which was supposed to be assisted by another additional collegue. She was to be in charge of them but then I dun know why the F#@^$ did I have to do her duty also. I was like running up to check on the booth, then shortly run down cos my cca ie Project B was performing and having photo taking at various time slots. That additional collegue was not constantly with the performers. Instead she became photographer and stayed around the photo shoot area. Which is not always busy cos there are designated time for special appearance by performers. So I dun get it why she didnt do more to help. Initially yes, but an hour later I was doing that instead. The thing is I just have to do then, cos if I dun, that would cause more troubles for the cca thingy. I was like the one giving them cues etc, telling them when to go back to resting room, who and who to appear at the photo shoot, to get them into positions.... Bah. The thing was that I was kept so busy or moving around that in the end I didnt take any photos with them. Nvm, the fact that the performing students seem to have enjoyed themselves somewhat is consolation enough, and that we managed to pull off the performance inspite of all the crap and numerous obstacles which kept increasing as the days proceeded.

After the last allocated performance, we started clearing up. The older students helped alot. They have shown responsibility, good attitude and maturity which is more lasting and valued compared to just plain intellect. These are something that one hopes to incalculate in them. Though some of them are slow in their work, but this has shown a different side to me. I am proud of their performance and attitude.

Nvm about the crap that I had to take. I'll just bitch abt it for a while and forget it later. But I will KIV those collegues and avoid working or work taiji with them. Come on, I also know how to SHIRK work, in fact that collegue also told me some of the excuse she used sometimes. I am not an idiot. I guess I am looking at the Bigger picture here than some petty games. Of course there is a limit to game-playing also.... We shall see.

After the event, I went straight for Jap class. Tab dumped me and went off to KL. And Krynnder 'put me aeroplane' (translate into mandarin) and watashi wa hitoride. By then I was already so mentally-incapcitated, that I can listen but not respond fast enough. Then today's lesson was totemo totemo muzukashi desne!!!!! And I couldnt respond at all to her simple question. My brain was on strike. I cant remember. Anyway I dun care. Bo chiap for now. Even if something extraordinary happened right before my eyes now, I will just walk off simply to go home to catch some much needed sleep.

Its such an effort to keep my eyes open now. At least for now can breath easier. Though I havent chill out or worked out all the pent-up stress and irritation. Now I can sleep to my heart's content.