This was done last week, the ultimate frustrating week of fixing up internet, horribly late sleeping due partly to dad, adjustment. I just used the phone to type out my thoughts in sms and save them up. Now I want to ink them before I delete them as a reminder just why do I want to get OUT.
*Each number infront represents the order of the sms. Mostly typed over 2 days, on my way to work*
1) Here I am chronicling the entire range of emotions from the moment I wake up until I sleep. Its to serve as a reminder to myself why I really want to leave this job.
2) Its the same range of emotions experienced except there are some days where its better and some that are really negative. When I first open my eyes, the feeling is unwillingness to wake, cursing the fact that I am a light sleeper so cant go back to sleep easily. Also not that much time left to zzz.
3) After walking out from the room to brush my teeth n wash my face, I look into the tired looking reflectionof myself, asking how the F did I get into this?
4) Thirst plagued me yet only drink plain water cos no appetite for anything. Anything else would give me tummy pangs that plagued me for 20mins b4 going to the loo.
5) After a bout of loo-going, the pangs may or may not subside cos there are times have to go again later and even later. Next is deciding what to eat.
6) There's not much at home. At times, drink instant milo , chew half a bread, biscuit. Cos partly due to the stomach pangs, no appetite.
7) Didnt want to aggravate the pangs yet eventually tried to eat something so wont binge at dinner. With that its about time to leave. Got ready and made my way.
*only now with changes to my timing, do I have the chance to even stuff something down. From Jan until now, hardly eat a thing before I leave*
8) Walking towards the lift, I again asked myself why am I doing this? For the $, bond. Dun think its to kill time. No job satisfaction, depressed.
9) these thoughts would be drowned out when I plug in the mp3 and listen to rock music. Then the mind goes into a suspended state of not thinking about anything.
10) yet if the music is slow, my mind drifts back to where it left up. The rock music is like a release for the pent up anger, irritation. Its like having to do a therapy session for myself before I reach work so I can teach without resentment and irritation, deliver the lesson with ideas in my head.
11) By th etime I walk in, I am drained by this entire episode. THen if stomach pangs let up, rush to the toilet to do my 2nd or 3rd biz.
12) NOw I am feeling drained. Today I had to go in early, I buy a bao and eat it. Start up the slow laptop. Try mentally to go thru the things to do.
13) A hectic day of admin work plus meeting n discussions about things to do. NOt much real work done in terms of marking, preparation. See the lack of time? Also unwillingness to do work at home on weekends?
14) Left almost an hour late after dismissal. Marking off quickly 1 set of ws. Then its the mind-numbing routine of mp3 therapy to 'kill' time, cure mood.
15) This thought of whether I can keep doing this, keeps popping up. Would things have been different if there was no bond? Would I even have the stamina to stay in any other job? I do get bored with my job easily esp if its cyclical and things happen without contraol. Also want something without human contact esp customer care. Not that I suck but dun want to handle difficult people. Research, report, data seems to be a strength though boring but avoid the people issues. Also something that does not take up all my waking hours and thoughts. That one can just leave it at the workplace and go back to it the next day.
16) Though the music is relaxing my mind, the issues resurface now and then. I am almost home but mentally exhausted after all these. I am planning to go in earlier to mark the backlog piling up. Have a few errands to do on my way which I am deferring until my travel route matches it, cos there are 3 routes. The sky is dark now. Few more hours to tom and I dun want it to end. Now kinda vulnerable, tired, forgetful, accident-prone, drop things.
17) Just a few more steps to freedom. I reached home well after 8pm. Trying to sleep at 11pm was thwarted by my dad and his loud tv. Only after I kept hearing for an hour, the tv commercials then I went out to see that he had fallen asleep with the tv blaring. Switched off everything b4 I could fall asleep. Woke up near 6am, could hear my first sister going about getting ready. Put the bolster securely around my eyess and ears, slept on. Woke up near 8am, heard my other sister getting ready. By now the room is bright as it faced east, ie the sun. Covered my eyes with bolster and try to go back to sleep. Around 9am then got up. Intended to leave around 10am but was trying to fix up the internet. After lunch (which I had to stuffed down, cos no appetite, I left) Left near 11am. Its not really late but since I have to travel quite far, it meant I arrived near noon.I HATE THE JOURNEY!
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