Philosophical ramblings II
Hmm lemme change the topic to one which I truely can identify with-Philosophy, esp the branch called Existentialism. To those who see it for the first time, u only need to understand this question that clearly defines Existentialism, "Why do I exist?" . After months of monkey work (will continue story another time), I went for the Matrix Revolution movie and really felt like a person again. Hmm when was the last time I really enjoyed myself....doing something more 'normal'? I dun remember... then again when was the last time I did any shopping.....*mumbles and counts fingers.....sign

So anyway the action was much better than the 2nd one, and very thought-provoking.... Then my rusty brain suddenly jumped to life....thinking about the missing gaps in the story, how the parts fit...and most importantly it settled upon the question of my existence.... really my mind just generated thoughts at break-neck speed.... but it felt good though... The following thoughts are all my own, n if u dont subscribe to them, just read for fun...but at least i know these are MY truths.

"Why does one exists? Unfortunately no one has the answer to this deceptively simple question. There are many schools of thought out there yet no one can try to convince u which is correct. Cos your truth cannot be told to u, u must find your own truth n be at peace with ur own answers. What then is my truth....? Frankly I have always questioned my own purpose for existing.... Is there any purpose that I serve in this life? Can I make a difference in this world? What does life have in-store for me and my future. With these chaotic thoughts, I have tried to forge a purpose for me, a goal for my life....which I believed is to make a difference....leave a legacy... Cos I believed that I was a unique n special individual. As life progressed on, and what was formerly black and white became all grey...then these beliefs have to be modified...

I noticed that people are always seeking a reason for their existence, and most found their answers in religion. They believe that this life is a temporary stop to their journey to everlasting life in the other 'perfect world' and that if they follow through with the rituals n beliefs, they can justify their existence in this world and not question further cos they can move on to the other perfect world, where their existence is not questioned. Undeniably this is a good thing cos even if I do not subscribe to any religion, I believe that the core values of most religion preaches the good and condemns the bad. But unfortunately I do not subscribe to the other argument that we are brought into this world to go into the other world.... I have even questioned why does the other place exist? To house the pure souls...? Anyway who built it n for what purpose? I still strongly believe that things exist for a purpose......

Then there is another school of thought- that we each have a social obligation to fulifll in our lives, that if we each play our part, social harmony is maintained. The reason of one's existence is reduced to roles. eg the role of the father, son, son-in-law in the family, the role of the breadwinner, a worker in society. The successful fulfilment of one's multiple roles would have meant a meaningful existence. One where life is a set of responsibilities to be settled in one's lifetime. I feel that this is true to a certain extent on the micro-level, cos we are interlinked in society and bound by the rules of society. Hence to deviate from the social norm, would result in social problems. But is this reason enough to justify one's exisitence? Did I have a choice to decide what are the roles that I would want to take? No obviously, but does it mean that I wake up to life and then these roles define who I am. I have no higher purpose then to settle all these problems that came with life...and hopefully still found 'myself' admist all these... No. I still felt that there should be more....

Before I talk about what exactly is my truth, I want to mention one more group of people... They focus on the individual pursuits to justify their existence... For some, they do not even question why they exist, they seek to focus on the current life, pursuing, enjoying all that it offers. They might not even be aware that such existentialism exist... To them, they just indulge. Others seek to build monuments, be it a leagacy, an empire, achieve greatness and fame to fulfil the last of Marslow's hierarchy of need; Self-actualization. What is that? I would interpret it as another form of existentialism, which is to seek justifcation and reason for one's life. But sadly, this might just be a partial answer at most, becos the end-goal of this system of justification lies in pleasure, fame, achievements, which are temporial. When the event that gave us pleasure ends, we seek new forms of it; when we finally achieved greatness n riches, who is there to remember us after just 2 generations of people; who is there to say that we have led a most rewarding life...when we passed on? Where is my mark on this planet/society that would prove that I have existed? Sadly all these are transient in nature, and passes quickly....

What is my truth? After thinking n searching for a 'higher purpose' for years, I came upon my truth that seems very logical n real to me. Why do I exist? Well, simply there is no purpose for my existence. Humans have long broken free of Mother Nature's Laws, and have instead found means to manipulate the surroundings. Indeed we have gotten out of Nature's cycle of prey and predator, but are not truely freed, cos we have created our own social systems n norms to enslave ourselves. We need some system in-place to function otherwise what are we to do with the additional humans produced, if there is no way for them to 'fit-in' somewhere for some purpose?...That is why I genuinely believe that there is not much real reason to exist, I did not choose to be conscious and to live my life in this world...(this does not mean that I am sucidal n want to say goodbye)... It just seemed that I woke up, to find that I have to live a life. I have social roles n responsibilities, complex interactions that I am just born into. I have to live through my given lifespan n forge my own future...through my choices. I truely believe that even though I might not have chosen life, but living is one of choices, both conscious and unconscious. How do I make my choices? They are based on my personality which is formed from my judgement and knowledge of things. In my choices, I project a personality that defines the 'real' me. I choose 'yes' cos I have my beliefs and thinking that leans towards that choice, the same for choosing 'no'. If life was just a game of 'yes' n 'no', life would indeed be very easy, but unfortunately its not. We live in a very complex world, of social systems and human interactions. Of action and consequences. Very true indeed, whenever we make a choice; be it conscious or not, there lies a direct impact on our lives and an indirect impact that one cannot forsee.... if I choose to wear nicer clothes, immediately I feel good/broke, the future impact might be the change in dress sense, or even getting the attention of the opposite sex. We have no way of knowing the full extent or repercussions of our every action. Then how do I define my existence....? For one, there is no purpose in exisiting in the first place but there might be reasons to justify one's existence when 'living' the life that has been given. If u r the lucky ones, who already subscribe to the earlier reasons, good. But for me, I am still searching by forging through life, though choices get clouded n difficult, that I may find my real self, a genuine reason to define that I have existed in this world before. -------------------------------------------Yenn Hellbound