See the Bigger Picture

Today is the first lesson for the level I am taking. I hammered together a plan of sort and photocopied the ws in the midst of me munching my breakfast. After the form class (more of zhuo bo inside) then got 1 class. I really lost quite a bit of my stamina. After that class, doing the admin. Even more tired.

After all that was done, left a short while for me to rest up before teaching the same thing to another class. Shortened lunch of Subway wrap. Followed by cleaning duty supervision. Then had that communication class, straight after is more form class. Nothing much glitches and actually students were quite positive and its encouraging.

But I was really stoned out after all that. I was really really empty after all that. Followed by the once a month long meeting... that went on until 5.35pm. I was tuning out some parts of jap by then. My brain refuse to translate anymore. End of meeting, finished up some more stupid introduction (I''ve lost count of no of introduction I've done) for the class newsletter. Then before I could move off, a collegue came to talk to me about committee work, left 6pm. Let's just say, there's alot of work and I dont want to do it outside of my work hours. Anyway just telling me verbally is not going to help much, plus telling me when things like budget is vague or even inital plans are not there is not going to help much. So I am not going to put more thoughts into it outside of working hours.

Outside work hours are my own time to do as I please. To exercise, to go for assignment, to go out, to sleep, to watch tv, go for course, to stay at home and talk with family member. Though time and again, I have lesson ideas sprouting out from the blue, I dont make any effort to write it down, cos I dont want work & play to mix. A clear division works better for me. I still feel they are not paying enough to utilise these ideas. I rather just keep them in my brain. If later forget such ideas, forget it, no loss. I dont wanna work from home. I am not that self-sacrificing as an educator.

Was too tired to go to the gym. Instead head to a nearby bookshop to buy some clear binding pockets, a paper memo. Bought bread. My lunch and breakfast was so low on calories (total about 600) that I could afford to eat a Yam bread, then eat rice and stuff, still only 1400 calories approximately. Bought a bread for tom's lunch. Cos these past mornings, I have been eating Ham sandwiches with lettuce, honey mustard, tomatoes. Quite tasty but think the raw food is not good for my stomach and hence my cough. Been coughing quite a bit. I do feel my still-fitting work pants got slightly looser. Still got some way to go to my target weight of 62.5kg (Uni weight) If I can ever reach back to that weight, I wont ever complain about my weight anymore.

I've managed to "siam" the whole workplace dinner. For one, its very over-priced. If its really really fantastic luxury food, I am willing to pay that price. But for zcp, I walk over to a neighbourhood coffeeshop nearby that serves very delicious zcp for just a mere $2.80. At these zcp dinners, I often eat little because its just not nice enough, plus no matter how much I eat, no sense of value. I really dont care much for the 'you know' factor cos usually in practice, attending such dinners is to net-work and build up some goodwill for use later.

But given that last year, after so many dinners, did that lead to anything more? I dont think so. They just needed us to become main teachers so that they can get rid of the contracted vendor for that communication classes. Dont think attending such extremely katok dinners is helping anything. Plus you dont get to sit with your khakis. You have to 'lucky draw' a specific seat. And its really really random where you end up sitting at. Then forced to make small talks with your immediate neighbours. Well its good for exposure but with such different cultures, interests, age-group, gender and plus language barrier and proficiency. So really very very non-important topics of small talk. I ever got to sit right next to the P and another with both VP before. Really suay. Can make small talk but really too different to say anything. Then some would ask you questions about your personal life which I have to circumvate around not to be too revealing and later got to ask a similar qn back. There are some things I really dont want to know about some casual aquaintances or others. I dont want to know about your lives. What's so fascinating about mine? Ya I am ususual but I just wanna be left alone.

Tomorrow's dinner is the first in a whole string. I would just go for the cheaper ones if not, minimally. I am also very tired. I need to use the time to rest. Plus tom night, I have assignment unless its cancelled. So if go is double whammy - eat katok zcp plus lose assignment income. I rather choose not to go, save the money, go and earn the money. Then reach home around 11 pm plus and sleep late until the next day.

On a lighter note, I made the "Peanut-butter banana with chocolate kisses wrapped in Wanton" on Monday. Also missed the gym workout cos of tired. But since I had to climb up and down and even stand in the hot sun during work, I was glad to miss gym. Sufficient. The fried wantons were delicious esp when consumed shortly after cooking. Cos everything is melted and combined inside plus the cripsy wanton skin, is very nice.  Really surprised by how delicious they were. BUT the wantons cannot keep. Once its kept for about 1.5-2hr mark, they start softening and the insides solidify a bit. So not that tasty. So its a nice treat to be finished immediately or shortly. Really easy except for the wrapping up the wantons that time.

Next mini 'cooking or mixing' project is to make my own alcoholic raisins. I checked on the internet that dark rum can be used to soak raisins. Cos dark rum is not easily mixable as a cocktail drink due to its signature taste like whisky. I had bought small boxes of raisins yesterday to try. Not yet, maybe in 10mins time. Yesterday I also bought a can of Anchor Beer Smooth (1 chilled can is $1.85)cos I was paying at Sheng Siong and saw the chilled beer section. Brain was still reeling from the 'overload' and thinking too much stuff, that I decided to get one to sample with dinner so that I can force the overly-hyper active brain to 'relax and stop thinking'. That really did the trick. The beer is very nice too, reminds me of Tiger classic, with little bitter after-taste. More relaxed after and headed for assignment. I really didnt think much on the journey despite the long queues and packed trains and buses. Just numbed. Now I know why some drink so much. Still for health reasons, an occasional beer to numb is fine. Too much is alcoholism.

I know this year I have to make sure I save up more dilligently cos really this position has not much gurantees. If next year they decide on another 'plan' then maybe I would be out of job. So I will be more thrifty. Maximizing savings to hit my next higher level of personal buffer (target is $50k) Also give myself a week or two to firstly build up the stamina (cos after work, I am so dead) to settle things in order before I start looking for a job at the sideline. A pre-emptive move.

Even if later after considering all factors, I might stay on in the future cos after comparing, maybe others are worse, but at least I would feel better to be focusing my efforts towards something. Looking at the 9 reasons I have, its a reminder that sometimes too caught up in small trival things to see the Bigger Picture. Sometimes just have to wait a bit until more stamina built up, less tired and irritated and impatient to see the whole situation.