A little bit more until the end

Listening to news about retrenchement, unemployed and also the economic situation about S'pore.

Hmm does it concern me?

I will have to start eventually to look for stuff after my intended break. Dont wish to jump staight into another job. I need and want a break, irregardless.

Hmm my stuff are back in my room, clogging it up with 12 boxes and 2 bags. I will have to sort through once more, once I am more rested. To do a second round of clearing up to reduce the number of boxes left. Its not very efficient to leave them clogging up the room, cos I wont know WHEN exactly I would touch and use the things, though quite a few are pure stationary. Thanks to Quetzal and my Dad for driving my stuff back over 2 rides over 2 separate days.

I am looking at the stockmarket trying to find something to buy. Dont have that much shares on hand to hold out and sell. Hmm... need to monitor very closely next week. I would need to practice thrift and try to lower my expenses from working-level to now bum-level to make sure my reserve can last me until the next income stream is found and stablized.

Now staying at home to rest a bit, still havent fully recovered from the flu from last week. It did flare up midweek, though not as bad. Had expected myself to end up with mc but didnt. BUT TGIF! Its one of the few work acroymns or work maxims that I've picked up and still am grateful for ever since I've started.

A little bit more until the end.

My leaving thoughts... My guitar evaluation

Being an Educator meant one has to do stuff at times that reminds one of National Service or at least the female form of it. There are a few occasions in a year that reminds me of it and I dont really enjoy or like it though I have to do it.

1) P1 registration - educators back up now
- as customer service officiers to help parents fill forms like counter service,
- verify documents like some bank officier,
- photocopy like some admin staff,
- answer queries and even follow-up like customer officer
AND after doing all that,
end up with short break of half an hour before have to do other duties and then on top of that still teach an full day worth of lesson.

*SIGNZ*

2) PSLE Oral Invigilation- again the only benefit is that other levels besides the P6 are around.
- alot of logistical stuff, and duty to do.
- the best is to be the time-keeper or back up time-keeper though its boring cos even if you have nothing to do, you cant do anything else but sit there.
- its bad to be an oral examiner cos its intense.

*SIGNZ*

3) PSLE Marking
This one beats the rest hands-down. No school during the period but educators have to report at office hours type. After long briefing, then sit and mark until dismissal time. Its like a marking marathon and montonous after serveral hours. My neck becomes stiff after all the sitting down and marking. There are times, my eyes hurt after staring at so many scripts for extended timing. This is the ultimate National Service.

*SIGNZ*

and other stuff like "xx anniversary, meet-parents, open house etc"

My hats off to those who are still in-service, going to be in-service, going to NEI, going to contract. They really are unsung heroes for all these "National Service" done in the name of education. Though there are bad apples amongst them, mostly are decent people who wishes to teach well, are laden with lots of admin work that they try to do, cca duties they try to carry out, on top of whatever form teachership entails, all the discipline, behavioural, family issues.

Though I must say this, I cannot say the same about leadership and management. From my own experience, many mistakes, blunders, paper-planning, paper-talk, which often always leave implementation and logistical to educators who have to 'clean up' and carry out all that, on top of all the 'eggs' juggled. They come from an Educator background, they rise up to mgt position. Think they have to go for training in HR and some stuff but WHETHER they are CAPABLE in those areas is really questionable. This should be a strong aspect to be looked very closely into instead of focusing on educator all the time. Focusing at the wrong party in the whole system of things.

Its mind-boggling how some educator can cope at all. There is a sacrifice of time. Many bring things back to mark. They work another 3rd shift after they reach home. Some work up to late at night regularly. Some dont see their family members cos by the time they reach home, they are already sleeping. My hat and heart out to those. I am unable to reach that level of commitment or "work-a-holicism" though its quite common.

As I leave, I will remember those who have been good and kind to me. Forget those who have done me wrong (if cannot forget, curse them with something like financial implosion of shittybank), remember the students whom I have taught though I cant remember the names clearly after a while and didnt have class photos of every form class I had.

Nevermind. Its time to move onto the other step of my life, whichever and whatever it will lead me to.
___________________________________________

Today after a LONG day that almost spanned 12 hours, I ended up very tired and sickly cos my problem flared up in the middle part of the day. AND after all that, I headed down for Guitar Evaluation cos the As5&)&^% coursemate couldnt make it on Friday. Specially bring forward to today, even the timing was set earlier than usual at 7.30pm.

Guess what, I arrived after hurrying from work, travelling straight down, only stopping for less than 5 mins to buy a drink at the 7-11, walked over, went in, went to the toilet to change and put water on my face to try to wake up. Walked into the 'stage' area only to see my instructor. No sign of the other.

Guess what?

He couldnt make it or didnt show up or whatever. I tell you, I was so irritated, if I see that a55, I am going to tell him that I am not shifting the slot, basket. Always he convenient, then no show. Forget it, the changing of the time for guitar, NOT CONVENIENT for me. Duh.

Anyway I didnt bring my own guitar cos of work, used the guitar over there. Cant sing with playing cos playing more complicated with stuff to remember. So instructor sang, I played. Result, she gave me quite high marks though I felt I didnt do that well. She did say not that strict and 'give water' but I would rather not. Anyway she "encouraged" me to go and perform the same song at the Sat showcase which I didnt want to cos I dont think I would want or need or miss the "stage experience". After declining and asking if really really have to perform, then she replied that if the other a55 does better, he goes.

YAY! He better be better... basket dunno reliable or not.

After sitting through all the pin-pointing of mistakes and some good points, I went off to eat my belated dinner. Wanted to watch a movie cos was feeling kinda tired and wanted to 'treat' myself for the LONG day but nothing much to see. Hence disappointed, took 2 buses home, stoning on the way back.

Reached home, bathed to refresh, practiced a bit more guitar with pointers and go online. Very stoned now. Luckily tom nothing crap last min thing so far. Will ignore if I see any.

Things are on track

Seems there was a mis-com due to admin staff, my last day is still on track.

Today I had to pack up my stuff, threw out at least 3 boxes full of stuff, packed others into boxes. Unfortunately still have about 12 boxes of stuff. I really need to sift through them after my last day to again put them properly. My dad went back to malaysia, so I am not sure if he would be back in time to help me, at least drive my stuff back.

I smsed Quetzal, who has kindly agreed to drive my stuff back before the weekend. Will treat her to a dinner downstairs after.

Today I spent almost 1.5hrs packing and throwing stuff. Just need to bring the boxes back first, find a place, I think under my table to store first. Then have to do a second sifting through. I intend to give away 2 boxes full of stuff that fellow collegues could find useful.

I need to find the advance children's day gift and give it to my class before then. Also have 2 HUGE Mt Marking to do by then.

Still somewhat sickly

Yar the battle with the flu bug is not over yet.

Still unwell, with cough and itchy throat. Still have medicine for 2 more days. Signz tom have to go to work. See how things are tomorrow I guess.

But I am feeling the after-mathe of the whole weekend battle. Still lethargic and stuff and wish to stay home. Soon I guess, that wish will come true.

Just have to brace myself for another week of work. Have some issues to settle regarding that.
_______________________________________________

Think the 'running' around despite being sickly is not that beneficial to me.

Went for guitar, I felt much better then went but by the time I reached home, felt stoned and sickly again.

Sat didnt go out, hibernated at home, mainly sleeping and infront of laptop.

Today went for Jap graduation. Was okay but tired and with cough. After a number of cough drops, it abated. Felt sleepy on the bus ride home, fell asleep. Reached home, ate medicine and dropped dead asleep until 8 plus. Think I shall endeavour to have a much earlier night's sleep.

Life is uneventful at the moment. Things are happening along, some planned, some not. I intend to take a good break without thinking or worrying about stuff, read my books, do my stock analysis and trading, do my Jap, do my guitar, do my driving, all settled somewhat before I start either to look for another job or whatever.

Still Sick

Walao, this is into the 2nd day of flu,

and I am still having it, minus the headache. The oough, the weakness and the somewhat blocked nose are still there. Its like being sick all over again for a 2nd day.

What is my immunity doing?

Had just taken my dose of medicine and wearing my jacket. Starting to sweat out some. Hope it will clear up by tom or I would have to brave another work week feeling this way and that sucks.

Tom is Jap graduation. Thankfully still passed the centre's internal exam though this time I really screwed up the listening part. Wasnt focused. Couldnt focus. Though that day I was on medical leave due to medical appointment. Had met Tab earlier to eat and then revise. Dunno just couldnt perform and some stuff, I got mixed up. So just thankful, I didnt have to take a re-test.

Now watching Naruto online while waiting for the online game to play out. I am playing this online game Evony, which is a building-resource type game that is online and in real-time. Hence at times I just let it run, eg build a cottage takes 5 minutes, so I really have to wait 5 mins. So do something else then.

Been on it for more than a week. So far, okay. Think will continue. Its good to play it while I am monitoring stock prices. Both move in real time. Have something else to do.

Flu relapse

Last night was really torture.

Was already nursing a sore throat dunno was it due to screaming at one of the classes. Discipline was really very koyak the day before. Then forgot to drink warm honey. Then had a very sore throat the next day. A long day of crap later, reached home. I slept early cos I was really zonked out, around 10pm plus.

I woke up in the middle of the night with very sharp pain in the throat. My nose was blocked and couldnt breathe much. Then woke up later at a very early timing cos had to go in early. Started a bit groggy, then it developed into fever with headache. Man I really hate headache. Was considering whether to still go in but decided against when my temp went up and the headache intensified.

Called in sick and slept. It was difficult to get to sleep with all the discomfort. Woke up later to see the doctor, still had traces of headache, blocked nose. Got my medicine and ate it. Now feel things are clearing up a bit more. More alert, no headache. Still a bit lethargic.

My mom was saying its a case of flu relapse cos I had one just 2 weeks ago. So it will be much worse. No wonder.
___________________________________________________

After this, going to sleep for a while until evening. See how things are later.

TMD!

Heard some rumors or not exactly rumors, except I dont have official confirmation regarding the last day.

I am NOT happy about it. I will make a fuss about it when I get the official one. Dont intend to stay longer than I have to. Look, I am already forgoing the Connect thing, the year end bonus. Do you seriously think 3 more weeks of pay, I care that much?

Didnt have the mood to do work after that, as in, wasnt productive in marking books, doing other stuff during my free periods.

Paparazi

Saw ex-collegues when I went back for an event. Its nice to be a guest instead of having to do the work. Do miss some of them though not the work. But I did do less work over there. Now I work way harder than before. Many were surprised when I told them of my decision to leave esp for health reason. Would catch up with them later on when I am more free.

On the insurance front, I am upping my coverage by 100k cos my work-related coverage 300k would terminate once I leave service. It would cost a bit more but still alright I guess. Bo bian bah.

_______________________________________________

*playing with Trap Mouse application on I-touch* when I noticed Tab was aiming her camera phone at me for the upteem time.

"Hey! stop taking pics of me..."

"But its nice what."

"You take so many pics of me, I'm sure you dont have so many pics of DF."

"Hmm I dunno leh. Lets see... *counted only photos stored in memory* err 18"

"That's alot. You have an unhealthy obession taking pics of me."

"But you should be glad next time that I took so many photos of you when you are still young."

"....."

Alright, so next time if I or anyone needs photos of me, have to get from Tab. She would have an entire collection of photos taken mainly without my consent...

"Luckily the mic is not compatible with your first-gen I-Touch. I can just imagine what will happen."

"Yar. HB say something, anything, hello??"

"Yar how many times of F-You do you wanna record? and middle finger pics too?"

Something like that transpired on Sat evening.

Now I know what famous people have to go through and I am not even remotely famous.

Patience

I have about 3 more weeks to go before freedom sets in.

Been rather stoned from my ailments flaring up during the day and then at night I slept late cos I was playing this online game. Feeling blue-black liao.

Then dunno why tonight, I cant login. So guess I will go to sleep soon. Feeling stoned.

Its been another hectic day. Crap not worth recording here but can ask me for details.

I finished practicing my guitar for tom's lesson. Wanted to go play that game but cannot login. Already updated stock prices. Hmm... is this the last wave up? I dunno, that's what my Dad said. I am looking for more rise in prices to hit my break-even before I can decide to Sell. Actually wanted to buy at a bit lower prices but the rebound went up so IF I had acutally bought, very quick profits. BUT no gurantee that it would rise, it might fall and have to live with losses. That's the dilemna that investors have to 'solve' for themselves.

"How LOW is LOW, how HIGH is HIGH?" Low for me is not low for another. High for me is not the same high as another.

Hence if you ask me straight out low enough or not, my own perspective is no, cos I want to buy more with limited capital so though prices has fallen from the high, its not low enough for me. I want more lots, so have to practice "Patience and Refrain" again.

Nevermind, there is always a BUY / SELL opportunity another time. The worst is to try to catch the ride after you've missed it, cos by the time you jump on the bandwagon, the music might have come to a stop and you end up being the last. That's a trap I am trying to avoid consciously.

Yar now I am aiming to sell off UIC cos I have too many lots due to the glitch previously. I sold off 5 lots for $135 profit, left 15 lots which are at a higher price than what I really wanted to pay for. Since I didnt sell off, have to wait it out. Prices fell to $1.70 to $1.68 then rise to $1.70 today. Have to wait some more cos mine are more expensive. I can only cross my fingers and hope that the rise will persist and exceed the price I paid for, so either I can break-even, recover my capital and if go even higher then can consider profits.

Hmm a lot of hopeing nowadays. For freedom to come, for share prices to rise high high, for game to work, for sleep to come. Night.

Wheels of Fate & Sands of Time

Quizzes Girls Games

Yep I am fated to like the guitarist of the band. Especially a J-rocker one, provided he is actually talented :P

I can feel the incessent flow of the sands of time. Previously I could tolerate alot more crap, for whatever the reasons, but as time passed. My health is not as good and it affects my energy level.

I go around being tired, looking grumpy cos of the silent struggle inside, that drains me. There are times when I am better.

Am looking forward to the break. Maybe go in and out of Malaysia for a few days at a time cos of my lessons going on. Sat go in, come out either Monday or Tue, for 2 weeks? Yar harder to stay longer due to lessons. Jap and JPLT prep, guitar. I would try to slot driving on the same day as one of these lessons to have a bit more free days.

Hmm good news that things seem to be bottoming out for the economy. But I would like to take a break first before job searching, or whatever things. Nothing is set in stone at this point.

Lazy Sunday

I was hardworking. Finished 1 chpt last nite, slept.

Woke up today and finished 1 more chpt.

Then practised guitar again.

Wanted to go out, its a nice weather today. But remembering to spend more time with siblings plus still had work and 1 chpt, also didnt have a destination in mind, ended up watching tv and sleeping.

I did help to cook though, fried onions with egg and a brinjal aka eggplant. I like the style that Chinese Za Cai hawkers cook brinjal. Its sliced into small pieces, soft, with very nice dark sweet sauce, with bits of minced meat. I was talking with my mom about it. She mentioned should be some normal sauce that add a bit of sugar. So while she entrusted the task of frying the onion egg and brinjal to me. I tried to make my own version of the sauce.

Err a bit of dark soya, light soya, sugar and corn starch, mixed with water. Then added oil to fry ikan bilis then added the brinjal, when its mostly cooked, added sauce and let it stew. I had it stewing for 5-8 minutes. The verdict, it tasted not bad, except it wasnt salty, sauce hasnt stewed into the brinjal enough, though it was soft enough, and also the lack of meat to add to the overall taste. I would give it a 3 out of 5. Note to self, stew more 15-20mins, add minced meat, a bit more light soya sauce.

After that havent done anything productive, watched tv, slept. Waiting for sister to come back and see if we are going to do our 'Stake-Out' to bio a shuai ge. I am trying to rest enough then go do last chpt in one sitting, and still have admin work to do very very reluctantly.

A hardworking weekend

This is just one of those days where one is bored and tired at the same time. My usual routine is to go for guitar, then meet up with friends, reach home a bit late, past midnight. Then I would pick up my guitar and practice what I've learnt. Mostly by the time I finished 1/2 hr or so later, I would have nailed the new strumming, plucking, memorized the melody. Then sleep.

On sat, I wake up and practice again. By then it's to practise playing more smoothly, match the tempo of the song, changing strumming patterns within the song. At times I am bored, stressed, practise longer. Would finish one session, put guitar aside and do other stuff then pick it up again. It's easier to play since I've adjusted the strings nearer to the fret. Today is no exception.

Evaluation is coming in another 3 weeks time. I've chosen my song as did my classmate. The instructor would teach the melody and interlude parts. Now learning the classmate's song of choice, "I'm yours" by Jason maraz. Mine will be taught next week. Okay for the lesson, I kinds got lost, looking and listening to the playing and effects and the muting playing involved. I was confused about the introd and how to adapt that to the verse, PLUS I didn't like the song. I kinda found it irritating cos it's a fake happiness song. BUT I still practises it last nite, got bits of it then continued another 3-4 sessions to somewhat play better. Still doesn't sound as good as my instructor's playing, but is way better than what I was playing last nite. My grouse is that I cannot 'feel' the music cos it's irritatingly fake happiness. I don't mind practising and learning the techniques but still don't like it. I look forward to learning my song "jiang nan" by JJ next week.

Today haven't done anything except sleep late, play guitar, online, nap, watch anime, play guitar, play guitar until finally my fingers felt sore and forefinger grew red from all the friction that sliding up and down the fret to bar that song. Then watched tv, bathed and it's near 10. Left with studying for jap test. I want to clear most to all of the chapters this weekend cos work is too hectic to have time and energy to study, trust me on this, I have studied for the other test during weekdays and of was both tiring and tedious. Less stress on weekend, also more leisure pace.

Feeling more accomplished at the moment and still energetic enough to study late into the night. My share book reading is put on hold until after jap test, but still do daily tracking.

Posted using Uru, lazy to just switch on laptop to blog and surf a short while.

A matter of enduring

Now for me, things are a matter of enduring til the end.

I feel rather empty inside, nothing much driving me on, except those in my charge.

My health has been acting up really badly this week. I had gastric and abdominal pains from morning all the way until evening for 2 days in a row inspite of eating some stuff for breakfast and lunch.

Then today my other problem acted out until I had chest pain from doing it so much.

Things at work are reaching ridiculous levels. It would take an abled-bodied, young and healthy individual; with little need for social, personal time and family time, willing to work from morning until night, to outshine and perform, though it doesnt matter for me anymore.

I am trying very hard not to compromise on the study part but the rest, I have little energy reserves to draw upon.

I find, though tom is a very LONG day, but its friday - the start of weekends and I can go for Guitar after that. Look forward to that.

Job versus Calling

"If you do something you really love, then you dont have to work a single day for the rest of your life." A quote by some guy about job.

Job versus Calling. I hate the C word. Its been so misquoted so much that any mention brings cold shivers at the fakeness. There are those amongst who really are under this category. Most are in varying degrees. A few outright on Job aspect. I hate it especially when they keep quoting it as the sole reason why pple take up this position.

Where do I lie? Somewhere in the side closer to job as it has shifted gradually over the years of bondage drew me there. What I dont appreciate are the whole lot of just-do-it-cos-its-your-responsibility for every single thing and the you-cant-screw-up-cos-of-bond thingy. I am not a superwoman, nor a wonderwoman. I tire, make mistakes, am not perfect. But the expectation is that one has to be prim and proper.

Internally I am becoming more rebel over the years. How I long to dye my hair blond or very light brown... Imagine having a tattoo... err that would really have to wait...

I still enjoy learning especially things that I can pick up with my effort be it own self-study, paid courses or even incidental learning. In fact post-jbb, for the rest of the year up until just after CNY even maybe next Mar/April, I intend to and plan to fill up my emptier schedule with time for courses that I have deferred, time spent with parents, siblings, reading up and self study, lots of rest and exercise and tidying up this phase of my life, clearing up my 'rubbish' accumulated over the years. Also wanna aim to head to Japan then. Okay, share trading to target extra $4k for that? Ohanami shitai.

I need some time to brush away the dust of daily life, quench the empty heart, find the motivation, desire and aim for something. That would come with enough rest ba.

For now, I start my counting down.

Divine help with my dilemna

I was still wavering... hence decided to go to temple and qiu a qian.

I headed down with my sister and got the qian. I thought that it was telling me to stay on. Then go and see the sinseh, he told me the interpretation of the qian is to leave. He also told me about his perspective.

Listening to these, it helps clear up the mind and the confusion. I shouldnt link my decision with the pay. With the pay, its hard to come up with a clear perspective.

In the end he asked me, what is it I want? I want to leave. Since the heart is no longer there. Then leave.

"休息是为了走更长的路。”

Whatever it is, if I am at peace with my decision, able to bear the consequences. So be it.

Confused

Signz. These few days, been very troubled.

Only when you want to go, then pple ask to stay.

All the talking to is getting me rather confused. Inside emotionally in turmoil. I have yet to settle down and think through again.

There are fears, anxiety, insecurities, bonds and relation with pple on one hand, my own plans, disillusions, my concerns on the other. I have yet to really settle them.

Have to give an answer next week.

I am going temple again. Also need to chill out a bit and settle this inside. Need to settle so that there is NO REGRET or BAGGAGES left behind.

Is there any op to remove tear duct?

Ya, every since P1, an incident with the P then in my primary school, I tear up whenever I hear a certain tone used on me and/or when I am frustrated. The thing is that I dont feel that sad but it is always interpretted that way and I cant stop it once it starts.

This is very bad for me esp when certain talks with pple in power caused me to tear up... very sian and embarassing and I cant get my points across very clearly... How to remain cool and calm when I cant stop the tears from flowing on their own???

I want to do an op to either dam up the tear ducts or even deactivate them! Basket

I am left wondering whether its mental strength I am lacking or mental resolve or that I am just too inward-looking that in the end, that triggers the stupid tears?

Or that its the tone used, the legacy left behind from the trauma of the incident I was involved at a tender age of P1?

Signz, I hope to be able to get through without tearing up again. I hate that sign of weakness be it my interpretation or others' perception of that.